It seems like we were sitting around all summer, wishing for warm weather and sunny days, and while we waited, the leaves changed. Seeing the oranges and reds, and the apples turning rosy on the branches made me restless. Some people get depressed in the winter, or restless in the summer to get out and "do stuff". Not me. I get this itch as soon as I smell the wonderful hint of decay in the air. The leaves are dying, the year is dying, and I get an urge to pack up and go, to write, to bake, to create, to live. So I made up my mind to go camping.
It seemed like the universe was working against us. I got mandated for a 12 hour shift the morning before we went, Lilah was impossibly needy, Dano had class until 1:00 on Saturday, and I had to do all the cooking, packing, and errands alone and with a baby who followed me around the house, crying and holding up her arms. I finally got everything finished, and picked Dano up from the school. We got a quick lunch and headed to Munising for 48 hours. I was delighted to see our phones didn't get reception. I needed some time away from phone calls, facebook, texts, work, and drama. We picked a beautiful site by Pete's Lake and set up camp. I, with no formal training, created a beautiful fire and felt like I was starring on an episode of "Man vs. Wild". Dano, in setting up the tent, realized the poles weren't in the bag. We had to drive back into town and buy a new tent. I refused to let it get me down. Lilah played happily in her portable crib with her toys, for the most part. Unfortunately, she absolutely and utterly refused to nap. Not in her crib, not in the tent, not in my arms, or the car. There was too much to do and see, and she wasn't going to miss a minute. That got old fairly quickly.
We had a lovely dinner (even though Dano didn't like half of it) of baked chicken and spaghetti, and bakery-fresh Italian bread. S'mores were for dessert, of course, and Lilah even got a taste of marshmallows. Dano played songs on his guitar, and the music carried through the woods and over the water. The stars came out, the fire died down to embers, and it was beautiful. We went to bed pretty early. Lilah finally fell deeply asleep in her basket, and Dano and I laid in our tent talking quietly and listening to the sounds of the woods at night. He drifted off before I did (because I was sleeping on a rock), but I eventually followed.
It was a rough night. 3 different times, large, thumping, snorting animals stomped around our campsite and rifled through our supplies looking for food. They tore through our garbage (which contained only diapers and aluminum foil from dinner), snarled, fought, screamed, and hissed. I was sure a flock of bears was waiting just outside to kill us. Dano woke up a few times with me, tense and alert, but dismissed it as raccoons or porcupines and rolled over again. Pride would like me to say I did the same. Truth, however, prevails, and I did not. I shook with fear, sweat a cold, terrified sweat, held Lilah's basket close to me, and cried hysterically. Lilah never stirred. She was in a deep sleep until the sun came up.
We went on a hunt for local waterfalls the next day. After having a breakfast of stick bread filled with cream cheese and fresh blackberries, we had coffee in a wonderful local coffee shop/bookstore called The Falling Rocks Cafe. The staff was really friendly, took Dano's information to play shows there occasionally, Lilah charmed them, we had our great coffee, and we left. We strapped Lilah into the carrier (thankfully, she's old enough to go on our backs now! Much more comfortable), and headed out. One charged a small fee to get into the falls area, but the rest were free and, as God intended, nestled back in the woods. A few didn't even have signs to tell us where to go. We relied on the advice of friendly locals and helpful fellow-hunters. Some were visible from the road. Some were a short walk over a boardwalk. One was part of a city park. A couple (my favorite ones) were unmarked and a little deeper in the woods. I love precarious trails and steep inclines. I love having to work to get there. It makes it that much more rewarding to round a corner and see a waterfall in all its glory. Lilah even got to stand under one and get wet. She wasn't pleased. At all. I was consistently amazed at God's handiwork, and the beauty of creation. The most magical waterfalls we saw were the ones no one owned or kept up with. They were hidden away like secrets, and we found them.
Despite the "bears" (which were really a herd of very angry, very stupid raccoons), sleepless night, rocks under my ass, and tent fiasco, I have wonderful memories of our first camping trip as a family. I'd love to make an early autumn camping trip an annual tradition.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
A monster has been created
Her name is Lilah Rose. She's eating everything! I was fully planning on exclusively breastfeeding until she was 6 months old. We've given her rice cereal several times when she boycotted bottles while I was at work, but that was the extent of it. Around the same time her first tooth came in a couple weeks ago (and another tooth st just below the surface!), she would nurse frantically while flailing and screaming until the milk let down. Typically, this took 30-60 seconds. She would proceed to gulp and suck down every drop of milk she could get. She emptied the breast in 5-10 minutes. She would repeat the performance on the other side. After both were empty, she would ball up her fists, screw up her face, and howl angrily and pitifully until I made more milk. Then she'd do it all again. It got so bad that I called the doctor's office and begged to be able to start her on some solids. I got the okay 2 weeks early.
I've been making my own baby food and it's going great. I created a monster, however, by saying, "Mmm!" as I spooned a bite into her mouth. I thought it was adorable and precocious when she started saying it back to me, or would slap her hands impatiently on her high chair, close her eyes, and yell, "MMM!" if I was taking too long to give her a bite. I always laughed and thought, "How great is this? She can tell me what she's wanting! Wonderful." When we were out for lunch at the Wild Rover, this new skill turned around and bit me. I was having a cup of soup and a pub salad, and I had no sooner lifted the soup spoon to my mouth when I heard a frantic noise coming out of Lilah's carseat. "Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!" I looked at her, and she was flailing her limbs in all directions, and looked like she was about to jump out of her skin. I gave her a bite of broth off my spoon and tried to take a bite myself. "MMM!" She was frantic and wide-eyed. I barely got to eat my lunch. She ate all the carrots and most of the potatoes, and a good bit of broth from my soup. What was once the first verbal communication attempt on the part of my child has now become a habit which often results in hunger on my part and her consuming most of my food. The good part is she's not nursing like a crazy person anymore, and she's back to 4 hours or so between feedings as long as she's getting solids. The bad part is I know I'm not going to get much to eat if I hear rustling from her seat and her shouting, "MMM!"
I've been making my own baby food and it's going great. I created a monster, however, by saying, "Mmm!" as I spooned a bite into her mouth. I thought it was adorable and precocious when she started saying it back to me, or would slap her hands impatiently on her high chair, close her eyes, and yell, "MMM!" if I was taking too long to give her a bite. I always laughed and thought, "How great is this? She can tell me what she's wanting! Wonderful." When we were out for lunch at the Wild Rover, this new skill turned around and bit me. I was having a cup of soup and a pub salad, and I had no sooner lifted the soup spoon to my mouth when I heard a frantic noise coming out of Lilah's carseat. "Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!" I looked at her, and she was flailing her limbs in all directions, and looked like she was about to jump out of her skin. I gave her a bite of broth off my spoon and tried to take a bite myself. "MMM!" She was frantic and wide-eyed. I barely got to eat my lunch. She ate all the carrots and most of the potatoes, and a good bit of broth from my soup. What was once the first verbal communication attempt on the part of my child has now become a habit which often results in hunger on my part and her consuming most of my food. The good part is she's not nursing like a crazy person anymore, and she's back to 4 hours or so between feedings as long as she's getting solids. The bad part is I know I'm not going to get much to eat if I hear rustling from her seat and her shouting, "MMM!"
Monday, August 31, 2009
Clueless
I have come to the conclusion I am clueless as a mother. Until now, until this point in my journey, there has always been an obvious next step. She's hungry - feed her. She's tired - put her to sleep. She's wet - change her. She's teething - soothe her. I have always felt a calling on my life to sustain human life and give the person/people in my charge the best quality life I have to offer them. You could say I'm in the business of keeping people alive until they reach their appointed time to die, then helping them make the crossing over as peacefully as is in my power to do so. I have never in my life encountered a situation where I have felt helpless or without direction in this area of my expertise until this week.
Lilah will be 24 weeks old on the 8th of September. She's nearly 6 months old now, has nearly doubled her birth weight, has a tooth, is crawling, and has met all her milestones. I realize now that's what I was concerned with - assisting her to meet her milestones. There's nothing wrong with that, since she is a somewhat advanced, if not right on schedule, baby. This week, however, I came to the startling realization that what was once a small bundle of raw emotion was now a cognitive person. Lilah's first developmental task according to Erikson (the psychologist I most closely adhere to) is Trust vs. Mistrust.
Lilah will be 24 weeks old on the 8th of September. She's nearly 6 months old now, has nearly doubled her birth weight, has a tooth, is crawling, and has met all her milestones. I realize now that's what I was concerned with - assisting her to meet her milestones. There's nothing wrong with that, since she is a somewhat advanced, if not right on schedule, baby. This week, however, I came to the startling realization that what was once a small bundle of raw emotion was now a cognitive person. Lilah's first developmental task according to Erikson (the psychologist I most closely adhere to) is Trust vs. Mistrust.
"first stage which corresponds to Freud's oral stage centers around the infant's basic needs being met by the parents. The infant depends on the parents, especially the mother, for food, sustenance, and comfort. The child's relative understanding of world and society come from the parents and their interaction with the child. If the parents expose the child to warmth, regularity, and dependable affection, the infant's view of the world will be one of trust. Should the parents fail to provide a secure environment and to meet the child's basic need a sense of mistrust will result."
That was hugely important to me. For at least the first 6 months of her life, if was my entire job as a mother in a nutshell to provide that safety and security that would not only shape my relationship with my daughter in the future, but also dictate how she would view the whole world her entire life! This week, I realized she had mastered that. She knew when her parents or grandparents had her, she was safe, and therefore happy and willing to explore the world around her. With that exploration has come a new challenge that I feel I am unprepared for as a mother - autonomy.
Lilah has a routine that we stick pretty closely to. She goes to bed, eats, naps, and plays at specific times of the day. This happened naturally, and she's thrived on routine and habit. Now, she's started exerting her will more and more each day. I put her in her swing to take her nap as usual, and she looks straight at me and whines (not cries, just whines) until she gets picked up. Sometimes she even manages a tear or two. It never occurred to me it was a behavior issue until I watched her smile even as I was reaching for her. Now, I know you can't spoil a baby with love, cuddles, or security. If she was in need of reassurance and needed a snuggle from Mama, that's perfectly all right and what I'm here for. But after cuddling her and putting her back in her swing, the whining picks up again. It only stopped when I A) Let her lie on the couch next to me and hold my leg for her nap or B) Put her upstairs in her crib. If I kept her on the couch, she slept poorly and mostly played. If I put her in her crib, she understood it was nap time and went down with barely another noise. It's easier for me to keep her on the couch so I can pay bills, fold laundry, or do whatever else needs to be done. It's better for her if I take the time to put her up in her crib and tuck her in.
Situations just like that have popped up more and more. She knows what she needs (sleep, playtime, food, etc.) and she knows how her routine dictates the need will be met (part of the trust she's mastered already). But she's pushing the limits. I can see it in her eyes, too. She'll look straight at me and whine for a variation, something - from her purely emotional point of view - more desirable. She doesn't do it when Dano is alone with her. He was home one morning and watched her do it and watched me give in to her. "Why do you give in? Why don't you put her in her crib?" "It's easier..." I was horrified to hear myself say. I have since stopped doing it and putting her in her crib to nap. She's too young to be "naughty", or to push limits to get on her parents' nerves. She's just learning cause and effect. "If I push the belly of my musical seahorse, he sings and lights up!" In the same way, she's learning, "If I make these awful noises at Mama, she picks me up and I don't have to put myself to sleep in my crib!" This is just the next stage in her ongoing exploration of the world around her. It's just a stage I'm not entirely ready for, and one in which I highly doubt my own abilities.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Slow down already!
Today I was looking over pictures of Lilah's first month of being alive and wondering, "Who was that alien little creature we brought home?" She was tiny and helpless, and never made a peep. Somehow, that baby went away, and was replaced by a big girl who sits up, crawls and rolls around, and talks to us every day. She attracts people to her like moths to a flame.
"How old is she?"
"Isn't she a doll!"
"Is she a good baby?"
"Does she sleep through the night?"
"What's her name?"
Those are the usual ones I get. She'll never remember how many times I answer them every time I take her out. All she knows now is that humanity, it would seem, was created to pay homage to this tiny being. It's absurd, the amount of fawning and adoration she's subjected to, and she just soaks it all up. If every person on earth were a separate planet, they've spent the past 5 months revolving around a tiny, baby-shaped Sun.
"How old is she?"
"Isn't she a doll!"
"Is she a good baby?"
"Does she sleep through the night?"
"What's her name?"
Those are the usual ones I get. She'll never remember how many times I answer them every time I take her out. All she knows now is that humanity, it would seem, was created to pay homage to this tiny being. It's absurd, the amount of fawning and adoration she's subjected to, and she just soaks it all up. If every person on earth were a separate planet, they've spent the past 5 months revolving around a tiny, baby-shaped Sun.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Where did the summer go?
I've been telling myself to blog for a week now, before I get so behind I forget something. Every time I sit down to do it, I think to myself, "I could spend time on the computer, or play with Lilah" and I always end up playing with Lilah. She's sleeping now, so it seems like the opportune time to do it.
She's eating cereal before bed nearly every night now, because she was waking up famished in the middle of the night. She sleeps in her crib every night, as well. Mostly it works out well. She always wakes up around 7 and realizes there are toys within reach, so one of us has to drag our lazy butts out of bed and retrieve her. Whenever it's my turn, I find a grinning baby with chubby arms wrapped around one of her favorite stuffed animals in place of the peaceful, sleeping baby I had left in the crib 8 hours earlier.
She loves to experiment with her voice. She always seems surprised at what weird and bizarre noises she can make come out of her own mouth. Her first sounds were just squawks, which evolved into "conversations" with us. Then she learned she could screech like a hawk, and liked to wake us up that way. Then she taught herself to whisper. She sounded possessed. She would roll over to me and nurse in the morning after we got her from her crib, then roll over to Dano and proceed to grab his beard, smack his cheeks, or just grab both sides of his head and whisper menacingly until he woke up. Now she's moved on to the deeper range of her vocal cords. She sounds exactly like a mourning dove when she makes those sounds. Larry swears she said "Mama" when she was upset the other day. I think 5 months is still a little young for that.
She's crawling! It blows my mind to think about. A week ago, we could put her down on the floor and she'd have so much fun rolling around and playing with her toys. She'd occasionally give a half-hearted effort to scoot a few inches, but didn't seem too interested. About 3 days ago, she discovered that if she got her knees under her and her butt in the air, she could go about a foot if she pulled herself along with her arms outstretched in front of her. It was cute to watch her try. I guess I didn't realize she was getting better and better at it until last night. We were at Ann's and Larry's house, and Lilah was on a sheet on the floor (she likes to put fistfuls of dog hair in her mouth) and every time I looked up, she was off the sheet and headed somewhere else. We laughed at her the first few times, but then it became very clear: Lilah Rose Marie Alexander could crawl, and was very good at it. God help us all.
She's eating cereal before bed nearly every night now, because she was waking up famished in the middle of the night. She sleeps in her crib every night, as well. Mostly it works out well. She always wakes up around 7 and realizes there are toys within reach, so one of us has to drag our lazy butts out of bed and retrieve her. Whenever it's my turn, I find a grinning baby with chubby arms wrapped around one of her favorite stuffed animals in place of the peaceful, sleeping baby I had left in the crib 8 hours earlier.
She loves to experiment with her voice. She always seems surprised at what weird and bizarre noises she can make come out of her own mouth. Her first sounds were just squawks, which evolved into "conversations" with us. Then she learned she could screech like a hawk, and liked to wake us up that way. Then she taught herself to whisper. She sounded possessed. She would roll over to me and nurse in the morning after we got her from her crib, then roll over to Dano and proceed to grab his beard, smack his cheeks, or just grab both sides of his head and whisper menacingly until he woke up. Now she's moved on to the deeper range of her vocal cords. She sounds exactly like a mourning dove when she makes those sounds. Larry swears she said "Mama" when she was upset the other day. I think 5 months is still a little young for that.
She's crawling! It blows my mind to think about. A week ago, we could put her down on the floor and she'd have so much fun rolling around and playing with her toys. She'd occasionally give a half-hearted effort to scoot a few inches, but didn't seem too interested. About 3 days ago, she discovered that if she got her knees under her and her butt in the air, she could go about a foot if she pulled herself along with her arms outstretched in front of her. It was cute to watch her try. I guess I didn't realize she was getting better and better at it until last night. We were at Ann's and Larry's house, and Lilah was on a sheet on the floor (she likes to put fistfuls of dog hair in her mouth) and every time I looked up, she was off the sheet and headed somewhere else. We laughed at her the first few times, but then it became very clear: Lilah Rose Marie Alexander could crawl, and was very good at it. God help us all.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Where did July go?
I felt like I barely sat down one time last month. One day, we're hanging out with Max on July 4th eating Veggie Burgers, and the next day, I'm doing documentation at work and saying aloud, "Is it really 8-1? Are we sure?"
So much happened last month. We were busy every single weekend and many times throughout the week. We celebrated Lilah's first Independence Day with brownies and strawberry daiquiris. Even Max got a virgin one. We went to Pioneer Day fireworks and had a great weekend hanging out with Dano's high school best bud Brent (whew! That's a lot of B's!). We went hiking and had a cookout with Dano's cousin Sam and her little girl, Ada. Lilah loved her second cousin and they giggled together all evening. We picked my friend Bronson up from the airport and went to L'attitude for martinis and snacks. He spent the night, then we drove to Gay, MI to spend a day with his family there. While in Gay, we explored the ruins of an old iron ore mill, watched his kids play Wii, and had an awesome campfire on the beach. That same weekend was Hiawatha weekend, a traditional music festival. We ran into Mike Waite on a bus, where he held Lilah and had a few minutes of folk-bonding. She camped for the first time and did wonderfully. The weather went from 40s at night to 75 during the day. Lilah got the full hippie experience complete with songs around a campfire and her very first tie-dye dress! Thanks Grandpaman! She loved it. She got to play with her good friend Talula Ravani, and they both wore their tie-dye and played in a hammock. She got to see her cousins, Zedd and Ephraim, and met her second cousin Kelsey and her Uncle Chris and Aunt Karen for the very first time! The last weekend in July, we stayed with Max for the weekend again so Ann and Larry could camp and bike. It was mostly rainy, but we all went shopping and had a laid-back, good time.
What's Lilah been doing during all of this? She's been growing, mostly. She started boycotting bottles when I went back to work, so now and again she gets rice cereal, which she loves and devours. She now weighs 14 pounds even, and she's 24 1/2 inches long. She's more than met her milestones. She has the cutest belly laugh at inappropriate moments (like when Mama is talking to Daddy about "old people sex" at work), a smile that darn-near takes up her whole face, she can sit up nearly unassisted, and she rolls like a boss. She never stays where you put her anymore. She always ends up 5 feet away. She's also attempting to scoot across the floor by pushing with her toes. I have a feeling she'll be a mover early, this one. The doctor definitely thinks it's possible she's got a tooth trying to pop through, since she's a drooly mess and eats everything. She sucks on her fists until she gags. We were outside playing today and exploring nature, and she ate a flower. One minute she was looking thoughtfully at it, and the next minute it was gone. I nearly dropped her and started to search for the number to Poison Control when she made a face and spit it out again. I told her not to do that again and she grinned. She's very vocal and has a lot to say about the world around her. She'll go to anyone who wants her, and she's an absolute darling 90% of the time. That other 10%, well, it makes you very thankful for the 90%.
So much happened last month. We were busy every single weekend and many times throughout the week. We celebrated Lilah's first Independence Day with brownies and strawberry daiquiris. Even Max got a virgin one. We went to Pioneer Day fireworks and had a great weekend hanging out with Dano's high school best bud Brent (whew! That's a lot of B's!). We went hiking and had a cookout with Dano's cousin Sam and her little girl, Ada. Lilah loved her second cousin and they giggled together all evening. We picked my friend Bronson up from the airport and went to L'attitude for martinis and snacks. He spent the night, then we drove to Gay, MI to spend a day with his family there. While in Gay, we explored the ruins of an old iron ore mill, watched his kids play Wii, and had an awesome campfire on the beach. That same weekend was Hiawatha weekend, a traditional music festival. We ran into Mike Waite on a bus, where he held Lilah and had a few minutes of folk-bonding. She camped for the first time and did wonderfully. The weather went from 40s at night to 75 during the day. Lilah got the full hippie experience complete with songs around a campfire and her very first tie-dye dress! Thanks Grandpaman! She loved it. She got to play with her good friend Talula Ravani, and they both wore their tie-dye and played in a hammock. She got to see her cousins, Zedd and Ephraim, and met her second cousin Kelsey and her Uncle Chris and Aunt Karen for the very first time! The last weekend in July, we stayed with Max for the weekend again so Ann and Larry could camp and bike. It was mostly rainy, but we all went shopping and had a laid-back, good time.
What's Lilah been doing during all of this? She's been growing, mostly. She started boycotting bottles when I went back to work, so now and again she gets rice cereal, which she loves and devours. She now weighs 14 pounds even, and she's 24 1/2 inches long. She's more than met her milestones. She has the cutest belly laugh at inappropriate moments (like when Mama is talking to Daddy about "old people sex" at work), a smile that darn-near takes up her whole face, she can sit up nearly unassisted, and she rolls like a boss. She never stays where you put her anymore. She always ends up 5 feet away. She's also attempting to scoot across the floor by pushing with her toes. I have a feeling she'll be a mover early, this one. The doctor definitely thinks it's possible she's got a tooth trying to pop through, since she's a drooly mess and eats everything. She sucks on her fists until she gags. We were outside playing today and exploring nature, and she ate a flower. One minute she was looking thoughtfully at it, and the next minute it was gone. I nearly dropped her and started to search for the number to Poison Control when she made a face and spit it out again. I told her not to do that again and she grinned. She's very vocal and has a lot to say about the world around her. She'll go to anyone who wants her, and she's an absolute darling 90% of the time. That other 10%, well, it makes you very thankful for the 90%.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Memories
For some reason, I've been having flashbacks from being pregnant lately. Maybe it's just talking a good friend through her first and second trimester that's doing it. I remember all too well being afraid that every sneeze, every indulgence in Chinese food, every day I went without the money for insurance would kill the little thing inside me. I don't miss being pregnant, per se. Every day is a new adventure. I just realize (especially in my line of work with Alzheimers) how unfaithful memories can be. They might not be as vivid later on as they are today. I decided to jot down a few of them now. Maybe I've been reading too much L'Engle lately, where every little memory might be important later on in saving the world. However, since this is for me, and perhaps someday for Lilah, the "why" doesn't really matter.
Memory #1
I was still in school, and we were doing our geriatrics rotation in clinicals. No one knew I was pregnant, and I was still very sick. I was in the room of an unresponsive, comatose patient, and Tabitha, Jill, and I were washing him up and changing his linens. Tabitha had told me a few days earlier she was pregnant. Jill had told me a few minutes earlier she was pregnant. I felt like it might be a good idea to let them know, since we could help each other out and cover for me, since the instructors didn't and couldn't know. Policy dictated that we present a physician's note clearing us for clinical work in order to graduate. That was problematic, since Jill and I couldn't afford insurance but made too much for state aid, and Tabitha was a high-risk pregnancy and no sane doctor would ever clear her. My hands were sweaty, which was inconvenient, since I was holding a naked man steady on his side so the other girls could wash his back. He nearly slipped out of my grasp. I was shaking when I told them I was the rumored "Fourth". Gossip in school had whispered there were 4 pregnant girls in a class of 16. The instructors were going student to student trying to get them to rat out the ones the instructors didn't know about. Nikki was the third, but there were no problems with her pregnancy and she had insurance, so hers wasn't a secret. Both of them were so excited and swore secrecy. The rest of the class knew before the week was out.
Memory #2
It was my first day of my mental health rotation at the state mental facility. I was throwing up constantly, and more than a little resentful of this tiny cluster of cells causing my constant discomfort. We were told to be careful, that the patients there weren't as innocent and harmless as they might seem at first. They were all there for a reason. My group was walking through the hallways, very bored. No one wanted to talk to us. The only thing they seemed interested in was whether or not we had cigarettes. Out of nowhere, my boredom ended as I felt a strong, wiry arm reach around my neck and tighten. I'd heard of fight or flight mode, even studied it, but never experienced it. I dug my fingers into the arm and twisted out of its grasp. I put plenty of distance between me and it before looking to see its owner. I identified him and told my instructor, who removed us from the area and alerted the staff. Later, when I could think again, I wondered at how my brain had immediately responded, and my only thoughts had been for the safety of my growing baby - the baby I hadn't planned, and didn't even want at first. I think that was the first time I really loved her. I didn't know who she was, or even if she was a boy or a girl baby at this point. All that mattered was that she was my baby, and it was my job as her mother to protect her from everything harmful. That included mental patients with half their brain removed trying to choke her mother.
I'll record more as they come to me.
Memory #1
I was still in school, and we were doing our geriatrics rotation in clinicals. No one knew I was pregnant, and I was still very sick. I was in the room of an unresponsive, comatose patient, and Tabitha, Jill, and I were washing him up and changing his linens. Tabitha had told me a few days earlier she was pregnant. Jill had told me a few minutes earlier she was pregnant. I felt like it might be a good idea to let them know, since we could help each other out and cover for me, since the instructors didn't and couldn't know. Policy dictated that we present a physician's note clearing us for clinical work in order to graduate. That was problematic, since Jill and I couldn't afford insurance but made too much for state aid, and Tabitha was a high-risk pregnancy and no sane doctor would ever clear her. My hands were sweaty, which was inconvenient, since I was holding a naked man steady on his side so the other girls could wash his back. He nearly slipped out of my grasp. I was shaking when I told them I was the rumored "Fourth". Gossip in school had whispered there were 4 pregnant girls in a class of 16. The instructors were going student to student trying to get them to rat out the ones the instructors didn't know about. Nikki was the third, but there were no problems with her pregnancy and she had insurance, so hers wasn't a secret. Both of them were so excited and swore secrecy. The rest of the class knew before the week was out.
Memory #2
It was my first day of my mental health rotation at the state mental facility. I was throwing up constantly, and more than a little resentful of this tiny cluster of cells causing my constant discomfort. We were told to be careful, that the patients there weren't as innocent and harmless as they might seem at first. They were all there for a reason. My group was walking through the hallways, very bored. No one wanted to talk to us. The only thing they seemed interested in was whether or not we had cigarettes. Out of nowhere, my boredom ended as I felt a strong, wiry arm reach around my neck and tighten. I'd heard of fight or flight mode, even studied it, but never experienced it. I dug my fingers into the arm and twisted out of its grasp. I put plenty of distance between me and it before looking to see its owner. I identified him and told my instructor, who removed us from the area and alerted the staff. Later, when I could think again, I wondered at how my brain had immediately responded, and my only thoughts had been for the safety of my growing baby - the baby I hadn't planned, and didn't even want at first. I think that was the first time I really loved her. I didn't know who she was, or even if she was a boy or a girl baby at this point. All that mattered was that she was my baby, and it was my job as her mother to protect her from everything harmful. That included mental patients with half their brain removed trying to choke her mother.
I'll record more as they come to me.
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