As many of you know, I spent quite a bit of time during the last few weeks of my pregnancy worrying about my milk-producing abilities. Out of the six kids my mother had, she wasn't able to nurse any of them for long. She didn't attempt it with the first handful, and when she tried it, her milk wasn't able to sustain a baby. They tested it, and I can't remember exactly what was wrong with it, but the baby would eat and eat and not get fat.
So when Lilah came out, my doctor helped me with the first nursing session, getting her latched right and sucking. I was told that she might only want to nurse for ten minutes or so, but that was okay. When she came back in about 45 minutes later, Lilah was still going at it and had switched to the other breast. Everyone was very impressed with her.
My milk came in about three days after giving birth, and I didn't have much engorgement to deal with. I mean, they swelled up and made it look like I'd visited Dr. 90210 for implants and was planning on stripping my way through college, but they never hurt like people had told me they would. Lilah was gaining weight, milk kept on coming, things were good.
About eight days in, I noticed a spot on the outsides of both nipples that looked raw, for lack of a better word. It burned a little when she'd latch on, but no big deal. As the days went on, the raw areas cracked and I'd cry every time she started nursing. I asked a few people for advice, and was told it was normal, would go away, and to grit my teeth and be patient.
A day or so later, it was so bad that I would literally cringe and tear up when she'd cry to be fed. Dano would sit by me and help me get her latched properly, and rub my shoulder or hold my hand while she ate ravenously and I cried. Finally on Sunday night, I asked him to call his sister for help. I couldn't do it anymore, and felt like a complete failure as a mother for it. Kim told us that my nipples had fissures, and it was important to rest them for a few days or they could get infected. Her friend Danielle asked to talk to me. She has a three month old, and had experienced the same thing. It was so nice to talk to someone who hadn't just been a naturally perfect food source right off the bat, not a seasoned mother who had already been there and succeeded. Dano went out at 10:00 that night and lowered himself by going to Wal-mart (he refuses to shop there, on principle) to get me a breast pump. I was able to pump about five oz right away.
I started bawling again when I saw her attack the bottle. I know my milk was probably being affected by the stress of how painful nursing was, and she wasn't latching right because of my nipples having those cracks, but to see my baby take food from something that wasn't me broke my heart. I had no idea how emotional nursing was for the mother, not just the baby.
It's been three days, and we're going to try nursing again as soon as she wakes up from her nap. Pumping has gone really well, but I still feel an actual ache inside when I'm holding her and she opens her mouth and turns toward my chest, and I have to give her a bottle instead. I know it's still my milk, but it's so different. She's been more clingy, too. She wants to touch my skin at all times. When she's sitting there sucking on her bottle and staring at me with those big, blueberry eyes, I feel so judged. I know it's just hormonal weirdness, but I'm imagining her thinking, "Why won't she feed me like she always does? Why do I have to take this weird thing instead?" and I feel like an awful mother.
Wish me luck, and prayers for healing would be great. I'll let you know how it goes.
Update: SUCCESS!
