For Lilah, later

This won't be a long post. It's just something I need to get out.

I kept Lilah up far too late past her bedtime tonight, and in response, she started to get naughty. We were snuggling and watching Peter Pan. She kissed my face, then bit my cheek (lightly, but we don't tolerate any biting) and laughed. She got her warning. She played "Got your nose" and pinched my nose, then pinched my cheek hard. I picked her up and set her down firmly on the floor.

"Since you're being mean to me, I don't want to snuggle with you anymore. No one wants to snuggle with mean little girls." Her face contorted in a sequence of emotional masks - hurt, anger, confusion. She hit herself on the knee and watched for my reaction. I kept watching the movie, not wanting to give her any attention for the negative reaction. She hit the couch several times (which I am fine with. I've had to beat some pillows before in my life). I made eye contact with her and she approached the couch. I told her no. She picked up her teddy bear (who had been watching Peter Pan with us) and threw him on the floor.
"You can't lay with me," she shouted at the bear. Her eyes filled with tears and she ran to him, cradling him and rocking him. "Sorry. I'm sorry." My eyes filled up, and Dano came to put her to bed. She had forgotten her tantrum and her punishment by then (only moments later. Oh, the joys of being 2 1/2). She told me she loved me and said, "Sweet dreams!"

Being an emotionally trying time of month for me hormonally speaking, I proceeded to bite my lower lip and choke back the tears that had been backing up my lachrymal glands. Dano came back down and knew something was wrong. He stroked my back while I cried. I felt terrible for being the cause of Lilah's negative emotions, even though I knew it was most important that she suffer natural consequences for her actions. Aggressive behavior wasn't even slightly tolerated in the house, and no one wants to be around a little girl who's mean. I felt miserably unhappy for having witnessed her acting out her hurt feelings on her bear. It seems stupid to most, I'm sure.

I wondered how many other mothers had cried alone after making a decision that hurt their child. Knowing it was best for her was literally zero comfort. It only kept me from changing my mind. I wanted to write it out, not to make me feel better, but to somehow assuage my guilt. Maybe someday when she was older and I'd hurt her feelings with another unpopular decision, she'd read this and know that it hurt me as much or more.

Oddly enough, I wondered about a benevolent Creator. To create life with freewill seemed the most beautiful curse you could possibly bestow. Why in the world would He need to punish us Himself when natural consequences were so painful to watch if you loved the lives you created. Who needs damnation to hell when your children were suffering and dying by their own hands. I don't know how God isn't driven insane by grief.  As for me, my tears were spent after just a few minutes and I settled in to watch Westerns with Dano. Lilah was peacefully asleep with her bear and doll. I breathed a silent prayer that no matter how many hurtful decisions I had ahead of me, Lilah would always know that they hurt me too.