For good

I know I just posted, but it really does seem like so much has changed. Lilah Rose has changed.

She hasn't been helpless in a long time, but she has always vacillated between independence and laziness, wanting to do everything for herself except when it comes to chores and boring things she should actually be doing. But I am astonished at the change in my child after only 4 days in kindergarten.

The first 4 days I walked her to her hallway and every day, she wanted to do more and more on her own. She wanted to hang up her own backpack, despite the hook being taller than she was. She remembered to mark herself down for bag lunch. She tried hard every day to remember her routine, to get her lunch bag into the correct bin, get everything she brought back into her backpack to take home. By Friday it was apparent she didn't need to be walked in. She kept telling me, echoing Chihiro's last line in Spirited Away, "I can handle it."

Lilah helped me all weekend with anything I needed, from chores to shopping to baking. She visited her cousin in the hospital. She spent 4 hours making muffins and bread with me. She slept in and snuggled in the mornings, but kept talking about how she couldn't wait to be back at school. My heart felt so at ease. She said she was so happy she chose Kennedy to be her school.

On the way to the store, she requested (per usual) her Pandora station instead of whatever I was listening to at the time. I switched it on. She chirped song after song until For Good from Wicked came on. I looked in the rear view mirror at the happy face of the little lady in the backseat and my eyes blurred. I was so proud of who she was, small as she was. She was my every shortcoming made right and I was so blessed she had chosen me to be her mother. I have always felt like she was my redemption, and few times more than that moment, for whatever reason. Half in jest but half in earnest I sang the first few lines to her.
"I'm limited. Just look at me. I'm limited. And look at you, you can do all I couldn't do." Never to be outdone, of course she joined in with equal parts drama and sincerity.

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, as we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. Now I don't know if I believe that's true. But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun. Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good." She cocked her head and widened her eyes, nodding at me to cue me in. I laughed at her.

"It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: so much of me is made from what I learned from you..." I choked and stopped. It was wholly how I felt. No, of course we weren't separated friends never to meet again like Elphaba and Glinda. But we were inexplicably linked to one another and she has truly taught me as much as I could ever hope to teach her and now she was making her way in the world without me. No tears escaped, but I couldn't sing the next line and shook my head. Lilah knew. She always knows. She picked it up.

"You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart." She smiled and laid one hand over her heart. I got it together and by the last chorus, we sang it together.
"Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea. Like a seed dropped by a bird in the woods. Who can say if I've been changed for the better. I do believe I have been changed for the better. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

This morning, Lilah Rose took a rolling backpack filled with zucchini and dark chocolate muffins for snack as well as her own backpack, lunch, and water bottle. I unloaded her from the Versa and nudged her across the parking lot once there was a break in the line of cars snaking their way through the drop-off line. She went in with a friend, waving behind her. I told her to have a good day, and that I loved her, and she disappeared into the school. I had a harder time with that than her first day of kindergarten. I texted Dano how she'd gotten on, what she'd done. He asked how I was. He, like Lilah, always knows. I thought about it. How was I doing? I looked at the double doors of the elementary school and pictured my only child walking confidently down the hallways, happily looking forward to learning and friends and her teacher. Such a strong, amazing girl. I truly am who I am today because of this tiny human. I texted him back.

"I'm just so proud of her."