This summer, this year. They flew by, and not pleasantly. I felt as if I was being whisked along from one thing to another, an ever-growing to-do list looming. The more items completed, the more items were added. 3am wakings with a gasp of things forgotten during daylight hours. Hot, sticky weeks of short tempers and long days. I longed for Autumn.
It came. With it, the Equinox's gentle, unspoken reminder that balance was coming. It was possible to bring my roiling emotions to harmony. I willingly gave up hours of sleep to seek out the women of my village who had helped me carve my identity out of the battered stone I'd been given. I laughed, cried, complained, gossiped, worked, and loved with them. Hours outside under the stars while children played, drinking wine and choosing bites food from platters passed person to person. Nights whiled away while weaving fiber into garments for our children, for our husbands, for ourselves, while sipping wine by candlelight. I struggled to work with and for my child to find the same balance the Equinox had promised me. Lilah Rose was struggling with her identity as well. How to come under the authority of others while ensuring they understood that she wasn't able to breeze along effortlessly like other children. She gravitated toward some adults, scorning others, and still others she regarded with cautious optimism while forging slow but steady bonds of trust.
I allowed myself to be consumed with the escape that came from books. Sinking into words from times I would never live in. I tried to let go of the anxiety of August and September and embrace October. From Equinox to Samhain, from waning light into gentle darkness. October never brought a darkness I was afraid of. It was a darkness that was deep, and velvety. It meant hearth fires and spicy scents coming from my kitchen. Weekend mornings spent wrapped in wool with hot things to eat and drink and music to play against the cold. Today was such a morning.
I was wrapped in a new, forest green wool wrap. It fell in gentle lines around me, draping with my movement and folding around me with my stillness. It was one of those garments that you feel was created for you, like an extension of yourself. There were bowls of steaming oatmeal, hot cups of coffee in stoneware mugs, music, and reading. Our peace was interrupted by Lilah screaming. Somehow the morning had gone from peace to chaos in moments. She had asked what to do with a few bites she had left of an apple she was munching on, and her dad had told her to throw it outside into the garden. She dissolved into hysterics. No warning and apparently no provocation. These outbursts had become more common since school started. It took 30 minutes of confused shouting from her parents to get anything even resembling order reinstated. Her dad went outside, slamming the door, and she fled sobbing into my arms. I was angry, annoyed, and still had no idea what had brought this on. She took the corners of my emerald wrap and tucked it around herself, rubbing her face against the wool to smear the tears away. I rocked her and asked, without much hope of a coherent answer, what on earth the matter was.
She choked out between sobs, "I wasted food. Mrs. McNeil will be so disappointed and it's all my fault," before breaking down again. Light of understanding dawned on my face. Her former teacher had been in charge of the "Green School" at JFK. She trained her kinders well in caring for the earth, reusing, recycling, composting, supporting endangered animal species, and protecting the environment. Lilah had struggled this school year with forming a relationship with a new teacher, wishing frequently to be under the charge of the teacher she had adored, the woman who knew her in some ways better than I did. She understood the nuances of Lilah's academic brain without effort, while it took all the patience I had to grasp her some days. Lilah brushed her tears away as more flooded from her eyes. I didn't appreciate her screaming at us, but I finally understood it. I wrapped her tightly in the folds of green wool and laid my cheek on her head, closing my eyes. I'm not sure if it was the feel of the fabric, the scent of the mulled wine bubbling in other room, the spiciness wafting from the bowls of oatmeal we had been eating, but when I closed my eyes, I didn't feel like a 28 year old in my living room anymore. It could have been 1000 years ago, or 1000 years from now. I allowed my logical brain the rueful admission that I was probably heavily influenced by the books I'd been reading, but there was something timeless about comforting my child against sadness, cold, illness with warmth, love, understanding. Her sobs grew less frequent. My anger ebbed like a tide. She calmed and explained everything to her dad. He explained that there were many ways to recycle food, and feeding some squirrels, the soil, or more probably, the dog when she went out, wasn't wasting food. The moment passed; peace was restored. I stood over the stove, gently stirring the mulled wine and adding more honey and cloves. I wondered how long I would be able to give my child comfort with just the warmth of my body. I doubted very much that I had many years left of being able to fit her in my arms. I would give her all I had for as long as she needed it, like thousands of mothers before my time, and thousands still to come.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
IEP
I've basically just stopped weeping this week over Lilah's kindergarten graduation, so I'll start small with the updates and just cover her IEP.
I had the official meeting to discuss 1st grade with Lilah's IEP team. It included a speech/language pathologist, her school occupational therapist, her teacher, me, and her principal. I was nervous and didn't know what all to bring, so I brought my notebook filled with accommodations I thought she should have, and an educational journal article from Canada called "They're Bright But They Can't Write: Developmental Coordination Disorder in the School-Age Child". Alexis, the SLP, started things off by saying she was shocked things had been allowed to go so far without an IEP. I told her it hadn't been needed for Kindergarten, that D'Anne had a whole modified environment with special everything. They took all of that information down for her IEP - her "blue table" (a low to the ground, distraction-free workspace set apart from other students, where she is allowed to pick a friend a day for company), her computer and iPad programs that allow her to shift some of the burden of writing and motor planning to electronic devices, how she was getting OT off the books but had made great strides, how her testing is administered in the mornings before her fatigue sets in and when her memory is at its prime. Alexis scribbled everything down, crossing off and rewording in ways that sounded more official.
Derek, her principal, was called in because of one of my requests - alternative equipment for PE. "She comes home with slashes from jump ropes and bruises from kick balls because her brain can't send the message quickly enough to get her hands up to block them. She needs foam or beach balls to keep her safe." He agreed to it. They also agreed to purchase her some of the tech that she'd been working with at home - a color coded keyboard and light up mouse, apps for the iPad and computer to give her low-fatigue writing exercises, they gave her talk-to-text dictation software for assignments. One of the harder sells was D'Anne saying that Lilah needed aids for math. Manipulatives were easy to get, beads or bears or something tangible to count. The harder part was proving her work. Derek was concerned that a computer wouldn't help her there, because a calculator would give her the answers. D'Anne suggested number stamps, so she would still have to select the correct number, but wouldn't have the burden of writing it. He agreed.
I brought up that due to her poor motor planning skills, she should be allowed to go to her locker 5 minutes early upon arrival, getting ready for gym and recess, and dismissal to decrease her tardiness. They agreed to that too.
I listened as more and more ideas were piled onto this magic document. They made a copy of my article so no one would have to guess what the problem was. Of course, someday she would have to write. Someday these accommodations would all go away. But it isn't the teacher's job to show her how to gain a skill that should come naturally. It's now a task for her OTs. Her educational progress couldn't be allowed to suffer while Lilah exhausted herself over every task. Just sounding out and writing a simple word like CAT could take her a half hour and leave her shaky and in tears. But verbally if you ask her to do it, she fires it off in seconds. Ask her to type the word CAT and she regards her brightly colored Crayola keyboard thoughtfully and happily plunks away C-A-T. I watched her write a letter the other day on her keyboard. As she talked herself through the steps, I heard, "...I-N-G-period-spacebar-W with a crayon-h...", the crayon key being shift and her knowing already that she needed to capitalize. We have given up every single traditional teaching tool in my arsenal of homeschooling younger siblings and built everything custom from the ground up here at her Bird Nest. Her IEP team saw the difference in performance with what we were doing at home and what D'Anne had modified in the classroom, and purchased identical everything for first grade.
We gave up sight word flashcards and got her Snapcards. They're flashcards for right brained learners. They have the word encoded in a picture, and each card has a sentence and motion that goes with it. "Want" is a person reaching for sweets, and you hold out your hands and say, "I want some". On the backs of the cards is the word by itself. The instructions suggest letting the child discover the pictures themselves in whatever way they connect with, then choosing a motion either from the suggested one or on their own. Supposedly it not only helps right brained learners grasp the mystery that is high frequency words, but in the long run their comprehension is better because they learn the word and meaning simultaneously. Dubious, we went through all 56 together. Lilah was delighted with them, as she was with her Miyazaki flash cards. She's a sucker for a picture. Every day, she asked to do her Snapcards. After maybe 3 days, I decided to flip them over to the word-only side to see if any of this was actually sticking. She breezed through more than half of them without the picture cues, needing only the occasional hand motion or "What sound does it start with?". Total retention of something we spent the school year trying to teach her. Further confirmation that we needed to leave her the hell alone and follow HER cues with how she learned.
The only thing about the IEP I was truly nervous about was her placement for next year. One 1st grade teacher was not returning. One was a fantastic person and dynamic teacher but very structured in her classroom and a concern was raised that it would lead to frustration if Lilah wasn't able to keep up with the other students. The third teacher was unknown, as staffing was up in the air. D'Anne shared that the teacher I really liked but had concerns about (and truth be told, the one Lilah had announced she wanted and would get) had approached her and asked for Lilah. After discussing all the challenges that getting Lilah would entail, she still wanted her and had even thought up some pretty great ideas for her 1st grade success already. I felt a weight lift off my chest. No one would be saying, "Great, I get the kid that comes with an Apple Genius Bar's worth of equipment and an IEP that doesn't even let her play kick ball." She actually wanted her, wanted to see her succeed. She wasn't going from someone who loved her to someone who'd dread her. She'd go from one set of loving teacher arms to the next. These women amazed me in their strength, patience, and ingenuity. They had kids at home and households to run. But within the walls of JFK, my child was their child. She was their family. They gave her all they had and went home thinking of ideas on how to give more.
With a full heart, I reported back to Lilah. She asked about her teacher and I said it wasn't settled for sure until August, and I'd let her know (anything could happen and I didn't want to make a promise I couldn't keep). She said, "Well that's okay. I want Mrs. Cover. I know I'll get Mrs. Cover." I laughed and asked why she thought that. "Because Mama. I saw her classroom, and everything on the walls looks like what Mrs. McNeil has. She has the same words." Familiarity. "She always uses nice words with her students. She never yells at them." Kindness and patience. "And..." she got quiet and fidgety. "I think maybe, she would let me use things. Use my computer, and my keyboard." Acceptance. It tugged at my heart to see what simple, but immeasurably important traits my daughter wanted in her next teacher. I agreed with her that Mrs. Cover was certainly all of those things, and we'd see for sure in August. I was happy to tell her that 1st grade would come with her keyboard and mouse, her computer program, her little blue table, slantboard, all her familiar apps and manipulatives, and even some extra surprises like number stamps and new, gentler balls for PE. She jumped up and down all over the room and squealed. "I can't wait to be a 1st grader! I love being a Little Eagle!"
I had the official meeting to discuss 1st grade with Lilah's IEP team. It included a speech/language pathologist, her school occupational therapist, her teacher, me, and her principal. I was nervous and didn't know what all to bring, so I brought my notebook filled with accommodations I thought she should have, and an educational journal article from Canada called "They're Bright But They Can't Write: Developmental Coordination Disorder in the School-Age Child". Alexis, the SLP, started things off by saying she was shocked things had been allowed to go so far without an IEP. I told her it hadn't been needed for Kindergarten, that D'Anne had a whole modified environment with special everything. They took all of that information down for her IEP - her "blue table" (a low to the ground, distraction-free workspace set apart from other students, where she is allowed to pick a friend a day for company), her computer and iPad programs that allow her to shift some of the burden of writing and motor planning to electronic devices, how she was getting OT off the books but had made great strides, how her testing is administered in the mornings before her fatigue sets in and when her memory is at its prime. Alexis scribbled everything down, crossing off and rewording in ways that sounded more official.
Derek, her principal, was called in because of one of my requests - alternative equipment for PE. "She comes home with slashes from jump ropes and bruises from kick balls because her brain can't send the message quickly enough to get her hands up to block them. She needs foam or beach balls to keep her safe." He agreed to it. They also agreed to purchase her some of the tech that she'd been working with at home - a color coded keyboard and light up mouse, apps for the iPad and computer to give her low-fatigue writing exercises, they gave her talk-to-text dictation software for assignments. One of the harder sells was D'Anne saying that Lilah needed aids for math. Manipulatives were easy to get, beads or bears or something tangible to count. The harder part was proving her work. Derek was concerned that a computer wouldn't help her there, because a calculator would give her the answers. D'Anne suggested number stamps, so she would still have to select the correct number, but wouldn't have the burden of writing it. He agreed.
I brought up that due to her poor motor planning skills, she should be allowed to go to her locker 5 minutes early upon arrival, getting ready for gym and recess, and dismissal to decrease her tardiness. They agreed to that too.
I listened as more and more ideas were piled onto this magic document. They made a copy of my article so no one would have to guess what the problem was. Of course, someday she would have to write. Someday these accommodations would all go away. But it isn't the teacher's job to show her how to gain a skill that should come naturally. It's now a task for her OTs. Her educational progress couldn't be allowed to suffer while Lilah exhausted herself over every task. Just sounding out and writing a simple word like CAT could take her a half hour and leave her shaky and in tears. But verbally if you ask her to do it, she fires it off in seconds. Ask her to type the word CAT and she regards her brightly colored Crayola keyboard thoughtfully and happily plunks away C-A-T. I watched her write a letter the other day on her keyboard. As she talked herself through the steps, I heard, "...I-N-G-period-spacebar-W with a crayon-h...", the crayon key being shift and her knowing already that she needed to capitalize. We have given up every single traditional teaching tool in my arsenal of homeschooling younger siblings and built everything custom from the ground up here at her Bird Nest. Her IEP team saw the difference in performance with what we were doing at home and what D'Anne had modified in the classroom, and purchased identical everything for first grade.
We gave up sight word flashcards and got her Snapcards. They're flashcards for right brained learners. They have the word encoded in a picture, and each card has a sentence and motion that goes with it. "Want" is a person reaching for sweets, and you hold out your hands and say, "I want some". On the backs of the cards is the word by itself. The instructions suggest letting the child discover the pictures themselves in whatever way they connect with, then choosing a motion either from the suggested one or on their own. Supposedly it not only helps right brained learners grasp the mystery that is high frequency words, but in the long run their comprehension is better because they learn the word and meaning simultaneously. Dubious, we went through all 56 together. Lilah was delighted with them, as she was with her Miyazaki flash cards. She's a sucker for a picture. Every day, she asked to do her Snapcards. After maybe 3 days, I decided to flip them over to the word-only side to see if any of this was actually sticking. She breezed through more than half of them without the picture cues, needing only the occasional hand motion or "What sound does it start with?". Total retention of something we spent the school year trying to teach her. Further confirmation that we needed to leave her the hell alone and follow HER cues with how she learned.
The only thing about the IEP I was truly nervous about was her placement for next year. One 1st grade teacher was not returning. One was a fantastic person and dynamic teacher but very structured in her classroom and a concern was raised that it would lead to frustration if Lilah wasn't able to keep up with the other students. The third teacher was unknown, as staffing was up in the air. D'Anne shared that the teacher I really liked but had concerns about (and truth be told, the one Lilah had announced she wanted and would get) had approached her and asked for Lilah. After discussing all the challenges that getting Lilah would entail, she still wanted her and had even thought up some pretty great ideas for her 1st grade success already. I felt a weight lift off my chest. No one would be saying, "Great, I get the kid that comes with an Apple Genius Bar's worth of equipment and an IEP that doesn't even let her play kick ball." She actually wanted her, wanted to see her succeed. She wasn't going from someone who loved her to someone who'd dread her. She'd go from one set of loving teacher arms to the next. These women amazed me in their strength, patience, and ingenuity. They had kids at home and households to run. But within the walls of JFK, my child was their child. She was their family. They gave her all they had and went home thinking of ideas on how to give more.
With a full heart, I reported back to Lilah. She asked about her teacher and I said it wasn't settled for sure until August, and I'd let her know (anything could happen and I didn't want to make a promise I couldn't keep). She said, "Well that's okay. I want Mrs. Cover. I know I'll get Mrs. Cover." I laughed and asked why she thought that. "Because Mama. I saw her classroom, and everything on the walls looks like what Mrs. McNeil has. She has the same words." Familiarity. "She always uses nice words with her students. She never yells at them." Kindness and patience. "And..." she got quiet and fidgety. "I think maybe, she would let me use things. Use my computer, and my keyboard." Acceptance. It tugged at my heart to see what simple, but immeasurably important traits my daughter wanted in her next teacher. I agreed with her that Mrs. Cover was certainly all of those things, and we'd see for sure in August. I was happy to tell her that 1st grade would come with her keyboard and mouse, her computer program, her little blue table, slantboard, all her familiar apps and manipulatives, and even some extra surprises like number stamps and new, gentler balls for PE. She jumped up and down all over the room and squealed. "I can't wait to be a 1st grader! I love being a Little Eagle!"
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Working it out
A lot has happened since the last time I posted, and every time I thought, "Man, I need to stop and update all this as soon as ____ settles down," something equally tumultuous would happen to make me put it off. I committed to it today, though.
We had a pre-report card meeting with Mrs. McNeil. She didn't want us to be alarmed by some of the "below grade level" marks we were about to get in the mail. She said in a lot of ways, Lilah had made progress but the fine-motor component was still a big piece that was missing. She'd been looked at by OT, who agreed she needed therapy, and Speech, who said she absolutely did not. In the public school system, you have to have a qualifying diagnoses (Autism, dyslexia, etc) in order to receive OT, or have a problem that requires speech therapy. There is no such thing as standalone OT. We were told that some things just wouldn't connect properly until the fine motor component was there. Mrs. McNeil had even brought in a Lite Brite from her mom's basement and made paper letters for her to put pegs in to strengthen her hands. She wanted to keep an open dialogue about whether first grade was a good idea in May, or if it would just frustrate her and bury in her in work she wasn't ready to do yet. It was a very good, open, honest chat and I was (again) touched by the obvious amount of time and effort that was going into Lilah's day to day education. People whose faces I didn't know would send me messages or stop me in the hallways and tell me what a bright light Lilah was, how much they looked forward to seeing her face every day. For the first time, I felt like there was a dedicated team of individuals willing to do what it took to give her the best education she could get. I left the meeting with an idea.
The next day I called the Special Education Department to have a chat with the director. He reviewed the assessment she had done when she turned 5, and the recent notes on her progress. He recited the laws back to me, acknowledging their faults. I asked him what made more sense, in a district with a financial deficit - wasting another year of resources on a child who was emotionally and socially ready for 1st grade but needed help with her fine motor development, or giving her a few months of the therapy she needs and seeing if it helps.
"No, I get what you're saying, and I agree with you." I was rallying my next onslaught of arguments for when he started giving me the "that's the law" nonsense again. "So here's what I'm going to do. I want to give her OT off the books for the rest of the year." I re-played his words in my head, then covered my mouth because I'd started to cry. He said that he didn't want her to fall behind either, and in May he'd have the therapist write up a report. If they could show definite progress, it might help her get services into 1st grade. I thanked him profusely. He said he would get her started right away. I couldn't stop crying.
Lilah DID start OT, and did make progress. However, her therapist discovered a few things that were shared at Spring conferences. Dano and I had barely sat down in the tiny chairs with Mrs. McNeil when she asked, "Have we talked about the floating?" Apparently Lilah had mentioned (or they had somehow unearthed) that she always feels like she's floating. It was not uncommon for people with coordination and motor problems to feel off center and have a difficult time with grounding. Lilah had difficulty crossing her midline (this we knew), and had issues with executive function and motor planning. Mrs. McNeil brought out a typical Lilah worksheet, where she had difficulty cutting a straight line. Then she showed us one with her name written neatly, two hands traced, colored, and cut out. "When is this one from?!" I asked, hoping I wouldn't be told she'd hit up another child to do her printing and coloring (it's happened).
"The same day. We brought in phone books so her feet were flat and didn't dangle, and when she cuts, I have her stand now. This is what she did, on her own, with only verbal coaching." I couldn't stop staring at the little hands she'd cut out. On her own. Between the OT interventions, and her teacher asking us to send a copy of her Miyazaki flashcards into class, I was amazed at what had happened to Lilah in 2 months.
I talked to her pediatrician, who agreed with me to send Lilah to a neurologist for evaluation for something called Developmental Coordination Disorder. If we could show that she had a true coordination problem, she could get an IEP to guarantee her future services and accommodations in the district. I couldn't ask for a better experience from Kindergarten, but I couldn't just cross my fingers and hope that her 1st grade teacher would be as wonderful. If he/she wasn't, I needed accommodations in place that would allow her to rest frequently, stand if needed, not let her feet dangle, continue OT, and that was just in early elementary schools. DCD kids need help their whole lives. But it confirmed what we already knew. There was no cognitive problem, she wasn't lazy, defiant, or defective. Her learning style and coordination issues just needed creative workarounds.
Lilah asked to write her letters on her chalkboard this week, so I had her standing straight, resting her non-dominant hand against the chalkboard while she wrote, positioned in the proper way. The majority of letters looked like letters, but any that involved her crossing her midline like X or Z, she would look at the letter chart, look at the chalkboard, attempt, but nothing legible would happen. By the end of the alphabet, her arms and legs were shaking. It takes so much physical effort for her to do things that come effortlessly to some kids, but she keeps trying and getting better.
Lilah's enthusiasm for learning only continues to grow under D'Anne McNeil. I'm an advocate for my daughter, and in turn, Ferndale Schools for making sure she didn't fall through the cracks. I took giant platters of coffee cakes to the Special Ed department and the JFK staff lounge with thank you cards. I haven't felt this indebted to another woman since Leanne Hatfield, the woman who delivered Lilah into my arms. I look at this community of women who has formed this protective hedge around me since I became a mother - doctors, friends, family, teachers - and I am so grateful. To my mother-in-law for never criticizing me or my parenting, even though I'm sure there have been things she hasn't agreed with. To my sister-in-law for being an example of a loving, supportive mom who advocates for EACH of her boys as individual people, whether they have personalities like her or not. To the doctor who made me a mother, not just by giving me my baby girl but also by empowering me to firmly close the door on any past ghosts and not let them haunt my present. She treated ME, the whole person, not just my body. To the doctors I work for who pointed me in the right direction to get her the educational services she has benefited so much from, who taught me how to advocate for my child, who let me call them any time when she was sick, potty training, or just plain naughty and I didn't understand why. To the moms from my past who know the good, the bad, the ugly, and stand by in love and support. To the nurse I work for who mothers me when I need it but doesn't push me when I don't. To the tribe of women in my community who doesn't judge, who helps me with problems in the garden or problems with my knitting, who helps me survive the long winter. When the days come where I've overwhelmed by the guilt over my frustration with Lilah when she was smaller because I didn't understand a brain so different from mine, when the self-doubt and self-loathing creep up, this tribe stands with me so I don't fall, when I'm smart enough to let them. There was a quote on Twitter this week that I loved. "Family is an accident of DNA. If your family doesn't love or respect you, make a new family that does." While I was too either proud or ashamed (oh, what contradictory motives) to make a new family of my own, I am starting to see through my willfulness that I really do have an amazing one.
We had a pre-report card meeting with Mrs. McNeil. She didn't want us to be alarmed by some of the "below grade level" marks we were about to get in the mail. She said in a lot of ways, Lilah had made progress but the fine-motor component was still a big piece that was missing. She'd been looked at by OT, who agreed she needed therapy, and Speech, who said she absolutely did not. In the public school system, you have to have a qualifying diagnoses (Autism, dyslexia, etc) in order to receive OT, or have a problem that requires speech therapy. There is no such thing as standalone OT. We were told that some things just wouldn't connect properly until the fine motor component was there. Mrs. McNeil had even brought in a Lite Brite from her mom's basement and made paper letters for her to put pegs in to strengthen her hands. She wanted to keep an open dialogue about whether first grade was a good idea in May, or if it would just frustrate her and bury in her in work she wasn't ready to do yet. It was a very good, open, honest chat and I was (again) touched by the obvious amount of time and effort that was going into Lilah's day to day education. People whose faces I didn't know would send me messages or stop me in the hallways and tell me what a bright light Lilah was, how much they looked forward to seeing her face every day. For the first time, I felt like there was a dedicated team of individuals willing to do what it took to give her the best education she could get. I left the meeting with an idea.
The next day I called the Special Education Department to have a chat with the director. He reviewed the assessment she had done when she turned 5, and the recent notes on her progress. He recited the laws back to me, acknowledging their faults. I asked him what made more sense, in a district with a financial deficit - wasting another year of resources on a child who was emotionally and socially ready for 1st grade but needed help with her fine motor development, or giving her a few months of the therapy she needs and seeing if it helps.
"No, I get what you're saying, and I agree with you." I was rallying my next onslaught of arguments for when he started giving me the "that's the law" nonsense again. "So here's what I'm going to do. I want to give her OT off the books for the rest of the year." I re-played his words in my head, then covered my mouth because I'd started to cry. He said that he didn't want her to fall behind either, and in May he'd have the therapist write up a report. If they could show definite progress, it might help her get services into 1st grade. I thanked him profusely. He said he would get her started right away. I couldn't stop crying.
Lilah DID start OT, and did make progress. However, her therapist discovered a few things that were shared at Spring conferences. Dano and I had barely sat down in the tiny chairs with Mrs. McNeil when she asked, "Have we talked about the floating?" Apparently Lilah had mentioned (or they had somehow unearthed) that she always feels like she's floating. It was not uncommon for people with coordination and motor problems to feel off center and have a difficult time with grounding. Lilah had difficulty crossing her midline (this we knew), and had issues with executive function and motor planning. Mrs. McNeil brought out a typical Lilah worksheet, where she had difficulty cutting a straight line. Then she showed us one with her name written neatly, two hands traced, colored, and cut out. "When is this one from?!" I asked, hoping I wouldn't be told she'd hit up another child to do her printing and coloring (it's happened).
"The same day. We brought in phone books so her feet were flat and didn't dangle, and when she cuts, I have her stand now. This is what she did, on her own, with only verbal coaching." I couldn't stop staring at the little hands she'd cut out. On her own. Between the OT interventions, and her teacher asking us to send a copy of her Miyazaki flashcards into class, I was amazed at what had happened to Lilah in 2 months.
I talked to her pediatrician, who agreed with me to send Lilah to a neurologist for evaluation for something called Developmental Coordination Disorder. If we could show that she had a true coordination problem, she could get an IEP to guarantee her future services and accommodations in the district. I couldn't ask for a better experience from Kindergarten, but I couldn't just cross my fingers and hope that her 1st grade teacher would be as wonderful. If he/she wasn't, I needed accommodations in place that would allow her to rest frequently, stand if needed, not let her feet dangle, continue OT, and that was just in early elementary schools. DCD kids need help their whole lives. But it confirmed what we already knew. There was no cognitive problem, she wasn't lazy, defiant, or defective. Her learning style and coordination issues just needed creative workarounds.
Lilah asked to write her letters on her chalkboard this week, so I had her standing straight, resting her non-dominant hand against the chalkboard while she wrote, positioned in the proper way. The majority of letters looked like letters, but any that involved her crossing her midline like X or Z, she would look at the letter chart, look at the chalkboard, attempt, but nothing legible would happen. By the end of the alphabet, her arms and legs were shaking. It takes so much physical effort for her to do things that come effortlessly to some kids, but she keeps trying and getting better.
Lilah's enthusiasm for learning only continues to grow under D'Anne McNeil. I'm an advocate for my daughter, and in turn, Ferndale Schools for making sure she didn't fall through the cracks. I took giant platters of coffee cakes to the Special Ed department and the JFK staff lounge with thank you cards. I haven't felt this indebted to another woman since Leanne Hatfield, the woman who delivered Lilah into my arms. I look at this community of women who has formed this protective hedge around me since I became a mother - doctors, friends, family, teachers - and I am so grateful. To my mother-in-law for never criticizing me or my parenting, even though I'm sure there have been things she hasn't agreed with. To my sister-in-law for being an example of a loving, supportive mom who advocates for EACH of her boys as individual people, whether they have personalities like her or not. To the doctor who made me a mother, not just by giving me my baby girl but also by empowering me to firmly close the door on any past ghosts and not let them haunt my present. She treated ME, the whole person, not just my body. To the doctors I work for who pointed me in the right direction to get her the educational services she has benefited so much from, who taught me how to advocate for my child, who let me call them any time when she was sick, potty training, or just plain naughty and I didn't understand why. To the moms from my past who know the good, the bad, the ugly, and stand by in love and support. To the nurse I work for who mothers me when I need it but doesn't push me when I don't. To the tribe of women in my community who doesn't judge, who helps me with problems in the garden or problems with my knitting, who helps me survive the long winter. When the days come where I've overwhelmed by the guilt over my frustration with Lilah when she was smaller because I didn't understand a brain so different from mine, when the self-doubt and self-loathing creep up, this tribe stands with me so I don't fall, when I'm smart enough to let them. There was a quote on Twitter this week that I loved. "Family is an accident of DNA. If your family doesn't love or respect you, make a new family that does." While I was too either proud or ashamed (oh, what contradictory motives) to make a new family of my own, I am starting to see through my willfulness that I really do have an amazing one.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
The most wonderful time?
It feels like a lifetime since I posted last. Only 3 months in reality but it feels like ages. I guess I should recap versus waxing poetic about any one topic.
As the days crept on toward Parent/Teacher Conferences I grew more and more anxious. This was despite the fact that Lilah's teacher had been keeping me updated frequently about her progress. When the night came, I was sick and shaky. We sat down in the tiny plastic chairs and talked. Areas of concern included fine motor skills and delay in initiating work. Lilah preferred to look around the room and watch everyone else instead of doing her own work. When she got started, she usually completed it to some degree of accuracy. Modifications had been put in place, like allowing her to write on a white board to prevent fatigue and encouraging her to pick up cotton balls with tweezers to strengthen her hand (an activity she adored for some reason).
Areas of praise included her sweetness, attentiveness, quietness (!!), self-control, and what a good friend she was. I voiced concern about the Common Core requirement for the children, to be reading when they leave kindergarten. I saw some fiery Irish spirit come out as Mrs. McNeil walked to the bookshelf and said, "They not only want them to be reading, but reading at THIS level." She thrust a picture book at me, and let me tell you, it wasn't See Spot Run. It was a complex book for a 5 year old. We were assured that not every child is developmentally able to meet that requirement and the 1st grade teachers were well aware that not every incoming student would be reading.
Socially, Lilah is blossoming but navigating some difficult waters for someone so small. Whether it was the boy with the probable crush who woos by punching or the boy with anger problems who pulled out a fistful of her hair "to take home" or the girl no one likes because she's mean who reacts to loneliness by being meaner, there were new situations every day that required a nigh-adult level of maturity to understand. Lilah has had two meetings mediated by the teacher to reach an understanding with someone who harmed her physically. Both times she was prompted gently to say she accepted an apology in lieu of "That's okay," because the behavior was definitely not okay.
When she was being teased that she didn't really have a baby in her tummy and wasn't really a mommy during free choice time, I tried to lessen her anger by cautiously reminding her that her "baby" didn't have a father, so was probably just a pretend fetus. She tossed her blonde hair and said, "Maia (her friend) has two mommies and no daddy and she's not pretend." So I quit while I was behind and let her go back to cramming Eloise up her sweatshirt and walking around with one plastic leg hanging down like a strip of forgotten toilet paper trailing behind her.
Thanksgiving was a quiet, Alexander-only affair. The week after I took Lilah to do some Christmas shopping for cousins. She was dressed in her holiday dress from the year before, a red velvet and lace concoction with a matching ribbon-bedecked cloche. We had barely entered Somerset when she announced, "I need to see Santa." She had always shied away from the experience in years past so I was surprised, but shrugged and queued up to see the big guy. We hadn't been waiting long before an Elf greeted us to usher us back to the holding pen where all the other children and parents were being kept. Lilah told the Elf, "My daddy couldn't be here with me today." The Elf aww'd accordingly and asked if he had to work. "No, he drank too many beers and is throwing up in the bathroom." The blood drained out of my face and I assured the Elf (who had her eyebrow raised at me) that he only had the stomach flu and had not consumed ANY beers. She nodded, clearly not buying it, and gave Lilah a pitying glance before we went in to see Santa. She told him what she wanted for Christmas - an Elsa bag for ballet, fuzzy blue Frozen slippers, a new dress for Eloise and Caroline, and the Lego figures of Emmet and his friends from the Lego Movie. The other Elves were trying to get a picture of her but she wouldn't look up. I snapped one of her explaining her list to Santa and it was very genuine and sweet. They got a few half-baked smiles. I suggested they tell her to stop smiling and look angry instead. They got the big, defiant Lilah grin I knew they would. When we were checking out, the first Elf whispered to the others what Lilah had told her about her drunk daddy. After seeing Santa, all children were given 3 "Santa coins" and a list of stores in the mall where they could redeem them for things like hot cocoa, ornaments, and cookies. They patted her on the head and said, "Poor thing," before handing her 7 Santa coins and sending her on her way with looks of disgust for her mother, who was clearly in denial of her father's drinking problem. I shook my head and shuffled her along, the little liar.
We were invited to the Larsen Christmas celebration with my aunt and cousins this year. It was such a special thing for me to be able to attend a gathering of my family members. Other than my grandmother's funeral, it was the only time we'd all been together since well before I got married. Lilah was recovering from pneumonia after a nasty run-in with Thanksgiving Day croup left her immune system pretty ravaged. She was bundled in a flannel nightgown and snuggled on top of an old trunk covered with pillows and blankets. She watched the other kids play, joining in now and again before going back to her perch. She said a few times, "I didn't know there would be so many girls." Her dad's side of the family is definitely boy-heavy when it comes to cousins. On my side, Isaac and Bentley (5 and 3) were then only small boys in a flock of girls. Most of the children were blonde. For the first time since I had her, it actually felt like she belonged to my family too. In addition to the kid gift exchange where she received a Frozen-themed board game and was over the moon, she listened to a reading of the Nativity and received a gift from my Aunt Beth. There was a copy of the children's book The Box House that she wrote recently (excellent, by the way), and a new outfit for Caroline - a beautiful dress and hooded cape. She ran off to get Caroline to change her, clutching her gifts and smiling. Even Dano and I received a gift of several new movies and a cookbook. I was caught off guard and so thankful. It was more than I'd grown to expect out of Christmas, getting to be in a family setting where I didn't inherently feel like an outsider graciously allowed into someone else's family circle.
I'm not sure if it was the contrast of going back to feeling like an outsider, or if it was just the holiday itself, but actual Christmas was a little bit awful for me this year. Dano had parents, grandparents, and siblings in town for a big celebration. There were several dinners, outings, and the usual holiday gift exchanges and cookie decorating afternoons. I spent 100% of my spare time either shopping, cleaning, or preparing for those different obligations. I cut my sleep by 1-2 hours per night. I wrapped gifts, knitted furiously, cooked, and cleaned until sometimes late into the night. In his defense, I couldn't have done it without Dano. He pulled more than his weight and tried to keep my sanity in check as well. It felt like as soon as I'd met one obligation, the clock started ticking to the next one and I hated the feeling. I'd be plunged back into work for 8 hours, only to resurface gasping (it's flu season) and launch into the next scheduled activity. I finished up all my work for Christmas Eve and raced home, only to have Dano tell me Lilah was with cousins decorating cookies. It hurt my heart a little that she was, once again, making all these Christmas memories this year without me. She was still having fun, but I felt like I was missing everything in an attempt to do it all. I got a text that she was worn out and weepy so I picked her up and took her home. We changed into pajamas, I threw a gingerbread in the oven, and we crawled into bed. I held her and she said, "You know, I think I just needed some Mama time." Tears trickled down my nose into her hair.
"I definitely needed some Lilah time. What do you want to do?"
"Um, can we watch Gilmore Girls and do a craft?" So that's where Dano found us 2 hours later, hands covered in glitter.
We had Christmas Eve at his sister's house later that night and it went fine. I was a little subdued but tried to fake it. I wasn't joyful, I wasn't merry. I just was. It didn't feel good. I tried to relax on Christmas and take the day to enjoy the people I loved. It wasn't bad, as long as I kept pushing the fact I had to go right back to work the next morning out of my head.
On the 26th, Lilah was morose and sulky all morning. She said she just wanted her family to be home with her. I told her she could tell her Grannie if she felt bad and she'd take care of it. I got a text at 8:38 that she missed her mama, along with a sad face picture. I'm sure Lilah was just being dramatic but it still hurt me. She called me shortly after that to say she was lonely and she missed me. I stepped out and cried. What was the point of all the rushing around and planning and events if I couldn't even spend time with my kid? What if she'd gotten pneumonia because I was too busy to take care of her properly over Thanksgiving? I got it together and worked as hard as I could to get out early. I sent my mother-in-law and Dano a text at 2:30 that I'd probably be able to leave at 3. I was elated. I could spent 2 hours with Lilah just playing, and then the adults were supposed to go out to dinner around 6. At least I'd get some playtime in. I called my father-in-law on the way home to let him know I was out of work and see where they were. He told me they were all at the DIA downtown. My heart sank. It was one of my favorite places, and I was missing that too. It didn't sound like they were anywhere near done. There was just silence on the phone. "Well." I swallowed hard to keep from crying. "I guess just let me know when you're back?" He said he would and hung up. I burst into tears. When I got home, I just turned out all the lights and crawled into bed, feeling miserable. Dory was concerned and confused but couldn't get her short legs up on the bed, so just kept trying to jump up and falling halfway down like an idiot. Dano tried to talk to me and pat my back but nothing made it better. I felt like I was trying to do everything everyone wanted and doing none of it well. I had seen status updates and photos of the Ferrell Christmas and that hurt came rushing back fresh, that I was an outsider in my own family as well as the family I married into. I just stayed in bed when someone finally brought Lilah back around 5:30. Dano said we weren't going out to dinner, which I told him was a mistake. We'd already committed to it. He said he didn't care and declared it a family night. He got takeout and we watched Peg + Cat's Christmas special. I sorted all my new yarn, which helped cheer me up. I did crafts with Lilah and we snuggled. I still feel this lingering sadness hovering on the edge of my life right now. I'm keeping busy at work and home to avoid it like a healthy American adult. I have some time off around the New Year I'm hoping can breathe some life back into my, well, life. I'm tired of feeling like an exhausted ghost, just floating listlessly from one event to another. I don't know where along the way I lost my joy, but what is a holiday worth without it? I can say from experience, not very much.
Merry Christmas to all...
As the days crept on toward Parent/Teacher Conferences I grew more and more anxious. This was despite the fact that Lilah's teacher had been keeping me updated frequently about her progress. When the night came, I was sick and shaky. We sat down in the tiny plastic chairs and talked. Areas of concern included fine motor skills and delay in initiating work. Lilah preferred to look around the room and watch everyone else instead of doing her own work. When she got started, she usually completed it to some degree of accuracy. Modifications had been put in place, like allowing her to write on a white board to prevent fatigue and encouraging her to pick up cotton balls with tweezers to strengthen her hand (an activity she adored for some reason).
Areas of praise included her sweetness, attentiveness, quietness (!!), self-control, and what a good friend she was. I voiced concern about the Common Core requirement for the children, to be reading when they leave kindergarten. I saw some fiery Irish spirit come out as Mrs. McNeil walked to the bookshelf and said, "They not only want them to be reading, but reading at THIS level." She thrust a picture book at me, and let me tell you, it wasn't See Spot Run. It was a complex book for a 5 year old. We were assured that not every child is developmentally able to meet that requirement and the 1st grade teachers were well aware that not every incoming student would be reading.
Socially, Lilah is blossoming but navigating some difficult waters for someone so small. Whether it was the boy with the probable crush who woos by punching or the boy with anger problems who pulled out a fistful of her hair "to take home" or the girl no one likes because she's mean who reacts to loneliness by being meaner, there were new situations every day that required a nigh-adult level of maturity to understand. Lilah has had two meetings mediated by the teacher to reach an understanding with someone who harmed her physically. Both times she was prompted gently to say she accepted an apology in lieu of "That's okay," because the behavior was definitely not okay.
When she was being teased that she didn't really have a baby in her tummy and wasn't really a mommy during free choice time, I tried to lessen her anger by cautiously reminding her that her "baby" didn't have a father, so was probably just a pretend fetus. She tossed her blonde hair and said, "Maia (her friend) has two mommies and no daddy and she's not pretend." So I quit while I was behind and let her go back to cramming Eloise up her sweatshirt and walking around with one plastic leg hanging down like a strip of forgotten toilet paper trailing behind her.
Thanksgiving was a quiet, Alexander-only affair. The week after I took Lilah to do some Christmas shopping for cousins. She was dressed in her holiday dress from the year before, a red velvet and lace concoction with a matching ribbon-bedecked cloche. We had barely entered Somerset when she announced, "I need to see Santa." She had always shied away from the experience in years past so I was surprised, but shrugged and queued up to see the big guy. We hadn't been waiting long before an Elf greeted us to usher us back to the holding pen where all the other children and parents were being kept. Lilah told the Elf, "My daddy couldn't be here with me today." The Elf aww'd accordingly and asked if he had to work. "No, he drank too many beers and is throwing up in the bathroom." The blood drained out of my face and I assured the Elf (who had her eyebrow raised at me) that he only had the stomach flu and had not consumed ANY beers. She nodded, clearly not buying it, and gave Lilah a pitying glance before we went in to see Santa. She told him what she wanted for Christmas - an Elsa bag for ballet, fuzzy blue Frozen slippers, a new dress for Eloise and Caroline, and the Lego figures of Emmet and his friends from the Lego Movie. The other Elves were trying to get a picture of her but she wouldn't look up. I snapped one of her explaining her list to Santa and it was very genuine and sweet. They got a few half-baked smiles. I suggested they tell her to stop smiling and look angry instead. They got the big, defiant Lilah grin I knew they would. When we were checking out, the first Elf whispered to the others what Lilah had told her about her drunk daddy. After seeing Santa, all children were given 3 "Santa coins" and a list of stores in the mall where they could redeem them for things like hot cocoa, ornaments, and cookies. They patted her on the head and said, "Poor thing," before handing her 7 Santa coins and sending her on her way with looks of disgust for her mother, who was clearly in denial of her father's drinking problem. I shook my head and shuffled her along, the little liar.
We were invited to the Larsen Christmas celebration with my aunt and cousins this year. It was such a special thing for me to be able to attend a gathering of my family members. Other than my grandmother's funeral, it was the only time we'd all been together since well before I got married. Lilah was recovering from pneumonia after a nasty run-in with Thanksgiving Day croup left her immune system pretty ravaged. She was bundled in a flannel nightgown and snuggled on top of an old trunk covered with pillows and blankets. She watched the other kids play, joining in now and again before going back to her perch. She said a few times, "I didn't know there would be so many girls." Her dad's side of the family is definitely boy-heavy when it comes to cousins. On my side, Isaac and Bentley (5 and 3) were then only small boys in a flock of girls. Most of the children were blonde. For the first time since I had her, it actually felt like she belonged to my family too. In addition to the kid gift exchange where she received a Frozen-themed board game and was over the moon, she listened to a reading of the Nativity and received a gift from my Aunt Beth. There was a copy of the children's book The Box House that she wrote recently (excellent, by the way), and a new outfit for Caroline - a beautiful dress and hooded cape. She ran off to get Caroline to change her, clutching her gifts and smiling. Even Dano and I received a gift of several new movies and a cookbook. I was caught off guard and so thankful. It was more than I'd grown to expect out of Christmas, getting to be in a family setting where I didn't inherently feel like an outsider graciously allowed into someone else's family circle.
I'm not sure if it was the contrast of going back to feeling like an outsider, or if it was just the holiday itself, but actual Christmas was a little bit awful for me this year. Dano had parents, grandparents, and siblings in town for a big celebration. There were several dinners, outings, and the usual holiday gift exchanges and cookie decorating afternoons. I spent 100% of my spare time either shopping, cleaning, or preparing for those different obligations. I cut my sleep by 1-2 hours per night. I wrapped gifts, knitted furiously, cooked, and cleaned until sometimes late into the night. In his defense, I couldn't have done it without Dano. He pulled more than his weight and tried to keep my sanity in check as well. It felt like as soon as I'd met one obligation, the clock started ticking to the next one and I hated the feeling. I'd be plunged back into work for 8 hours, only to resurface gasping (it's flu season) and launch into the next scheduled activity. I finished up all my work for Christmas Eve and raced home, only to have Dano tell me Lilah was with cousins decorating cookies. It hurt my heart a little that she was, once again, making all these Christmas memories this year without me. She was still having fun, but I felt like I was missing everything in an attempt to do it all. I got a text that she was worn out and weepy so I picked her up and took her home. We changed into pajamas, I threw a gingerbread in the oven, and we crawled into bed. I held her and she said, "You know, I think I just needed some Mama time." Tears trickled down my nose into her hair.
"I definitely needed some Lilah time. What do you want to do?"
"Um, can we watch Gilmore Girls and do a craft?" So that's where Dano found us 2 hours later, hands covered in glitter.
We had Christmas Eve at his sister's house later that night and it went fine. I was a little subdued but tried to fake it. I wasn't joyful, I wasn't merry. I just was. It didn't feel good. I tried to relax on Christmas and take the day to enjoy the people I loved. It wasn't bad, as long as I kept pushing the fact I had to go right back to work the next morning out of my head.
On the 26th, Lilah was morose and sulky all morning. She said she just wanted her family to be home with her. I told her she could tell her Grannie if she felt bad and she'd take care of it. I got a text at 8:38 that she missed her mama, along with a sad face picture. I'm sure Lilah was just being dramatic but it still hurt me. She called me shortly after that to say she was lonely and she missed me. I stepped out and cried. What was the point of all the rushing around and planning and events if I couldn't even spend time with my kid? What if she'd gotten pneumonia because I was too busy to take care of her properly over Thanksgiving? I got it together and worked as hard as I could to get out early. I sent my mother-in-law and Dano a text at 2:30 that I'd probably be able to leave at 3. I was elated. I could spent 2 hours with Lilah just playing, and then the adults were supposed to go out to dinner around 6. At least I'd get some playtime in. I called my father-in-law on the way home to let him know I was out of work and see where they were. He told me they were all at the DIA downtown. My heart sank. It was one of my favorite places, and I was missing that too. It didn't sound like they were anywhere near done. There was just silence on the phone. "Well." I swallowed hard to keep from crying. "I guess just let me know when you're back?" He said he would and hung up. I burst into tears. When I got home, I just turned out all the lights and crawled into bed, feeling miserable. Dory was concerned and confused but couldn't get her short legs up on the bed, so just kept trying to jump up and falling halfway down like an idiot. Dano tried to talk to me and pat my back but nothing made it better. I felt like I was trying to do everything everyone wanted and doing none of it well. I had seen status updates and photos of the Ferrell Christmas and that hurt came rushing back fresh, that I was an outsider in my own family as well as the family I married into. I just stayed in bed when someone finally brought Lilah back around 5:30. Dano said we weren't going out to dinner, which I told him was a mistake. We'd already committed to it. He said he didn't care and declared it a family night. He got takeout and we watched Peg + Cat's Christmas special. I sorted all my new yarn, which helped cheer me up. I did crafts with Lilah and we snuggled. I still feel this lingering sadness hovering on the edge of my life right now. I'm keeping busy at work and home to avoid it like a healthy American adult. I have some time off around the New Year I'm hoping can breathe some life back into my, well, life. I'm tired of feeling like an exhausted ghost, just floating listlessly from one event to another. I don't know where along the way I lost my joy, but what is a holiday worth without it? I can say from experience, not very much.
Merry Christmas to all...
Monday, September 8, 2014
For good
I know I just posted, but it really does seem like so much has changed. Lilah Rose has changed.
She hasn't been helpless in a long time, but she has always vacillated between independence and laziness, wanting to do everything for herself except when it comes to chores and boring things she should actually be doing. But I am astonished at the change in my child after only 4 days in kindergarten.
The first 4 days I walked her to her hallway and every day, she wanted to do more and more on her own. She wanted to hang up her own backpack, despite the hook being taller than she was. She remembered to mark herself down for bag lunch. She tried hard every day to remember her routine, to get her lunch bag into the correct bin, get everything she brought back into her backpack to take home. By Friday it was apparent she didn't need to be walked in. She kept telling me, echoing Chihiro's last line in Spirited Away, "I can handle it."
Lilah helped me all weekend with anything I needed, from chores to shopping to baking. She visited her cousin in the hospital. She spent 4 hours making muffins and bread with me. She slept in and snuggled in the mornings, but kept talking about how she couldn't wait to be back at school. My heart felt so at ease. She said she was so happy she chose Kennedy to be her school.
On the way to the store, she requested (per usual) her Pandora station instead of whatever I was listening to at the time. I switched it on. She chirped song after song until For Good from Wicked came on. I looked in the rear view mirror at the happy face of the little lady in the backseat and my eyes blurred. I was so proud of who she was, small as she was. She was my every shortcoming made right and I was so blessed she had chosen me to be her mother. I have always felt like she was my redemption, and few times more than that moment, for whatever reason. Half in jest but half in earnest I sang the first few lines to her.
"I'm limited. Just look at me. I'm limited. And look at you, you can do all I couldn't do." Never to be outdone, of course she joined in with equal parts drama and sincerity.
"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, as we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. Now I don't know if I believe that's true. But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun. Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good." She cocked her head and widened her eyes, nodding at me to cue me in. I laughed at her.
"It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: so much of me is made from what I learned from you..." I choked and stopped. It was wholly how I felt. No, of course we weren't separated friends never to meet again like Elphaba and Glinda. But we were inexplicably linked to one another and she has truly taught me as much as I could ever hope to teach her and now she was making her way in the world without me. No tears escaped, but I couldn't sing the next line and shook my head. Lilah knew. She always knows. She picked it up.
"You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart." She smiled and laid one hand over her heart. I got it together and by the last chorus, we sang it together.
"Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea. Like a seed dropped by a bird in the woods. Who can say if I've been changed for the better. I do believe I have been changed for the better. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
This morning, Lilah Rose took a rolling backpack filled with zucchini and dark chocolate muffins for snack as well as her own backpack, lunch, and water bottle. I unloaded her from the Versa and nudged her across the parking lot once there was a break in the line of cars snaking their way through the drop-off line. She went in with a friend, waving behind her. I told her to have a good day, and that I loved her, and she disappeared into the school. I had a harder time with that than her first day of kindergarten. I texted Dano how she'd gotten on, what she'd done. He asked how I was. He, like Lilah, always knows. I thought about it. How was I doing? I looked at the double doors of the elementary school and pictured my only child walking confidently down the hallways, happily looking forward to learning and friends and her teacher. Such a strong, amazing girl. I truly am who I am today because of this tiny human. I texted him back.
"I'm just so proud of her."
She hasn't been helpless in a long time, but she has always vacillated between independence and laziness, wanting to do everything for herself except when it comes to chores and boring things she should actually be doing. But I am astonished at the change in my child after only 4 days in kindergarten.
The first 4 days I walked her to her hallway and every day, she wanted to do more and more on her own. She wanted to hang up her own backpack, despite the hook being taller than she was. She remembered to mark herself down for bag lunch. She tried hard every day to remember her routine, to get her lunch bag into the correct bin, get everything she brought back into her backpack to take home. By Friday it was apparent she didn't need to be walked in. She kept telling me, echoing Chihiro's last line in Spirited Away, "I can handle it."
Lilah helped me all weekend with anything I needed, from chores to shopping to baking. She visited her cousin in the hospital. She spent 4 hours making muffins and bread with me. She slept in and snuggled in the mornings, but kept talking about how she couldn't wait to be back at school. My heart felt so at ease. She said she was so happy she chose Kennedy to be her school.
On the way to the store, she requested (per usual) her Pandora station instead of whatever I was listening to at the time. I switched it on. She chirped song after song until For Good from Wicked came on. I looked in the rear view mirror at the happy face of the little lady in the backseat and my eyes blurred. I was so proud of who she was, small as she was. She was my every shortcoming made right and I was so blessed she had chosen me to be her mother. I have always felt like she was my redemption, and few times more than that moment, for whatever reason. Half in jest but half in earnest I sang the first few lines to her.
"I'm limited. Just look at me. I'm limited. And look at you, you can do all I couldn't do." Never to be outdone, of course she joined in with equal parts drama and sincerity.
"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, as we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. Now I don't know if I believe that's true. But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun. Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good." She cocked her head and widened her eyes, nodding at me to cue me in. I laughed at her.
"It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: so much of me is made from what I learned from you..." I choked and stopped. It was wholly how I felt. No, of course we weren't separated friends never to meet again like Elphaba and Glinda. But we were inexplicably linked to one another and she has truly taught me as much as I could ever hope to teach her and now she was making her way in the world without me. No tears escaped, but I couldn't sing the next line and shook my head. Lilah knew. She always knows. She picked it up.
"You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart." She smiled and laid one hand over her heart. I got it together and by the last chorus, we sang it together.
"Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea. Like a seed dropped by a bird in the woods. Who can say if I've been changed for the better. I do believe I have been changed for the better. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
This morning, Lilah Rose took a rolling backpack filled with zucchini and dark chocolate muffins for snack as well as her own backpack, lunch, and water bottle. I unloaded her from the Versa and nudged her across the parking lot once there was a break in the line of cars snaking their way through the drop-off line. She went in with a friend, waving behind her. I told her to have a good day, and that I loved her, and she disappeared into the school. I had a harder time with that than her first day of kindergarten. I texted Dano how she'd gotten on, what she'd done. He asked how I was. He, like Lilah, always knows. I thought about it. How was I doing? I looked at the double doors of the elementary school and pictured my only child walking confidently down the hallways, happily looking forward to learning and friends and her teacher. Such a strong, amazing girl. I truly am who I am today because of this tiny human. I texted him back.
"I'm just so proud of her."
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Leaving the nest
A little back story. We all went to the kindergarten Open House and Ice Cream Social the week before school started. Lilah got to meet her teacher, find her locker, and explore her classroom. She found that they did indeed have toys (we weren't sure. Public school these days seems all business). She cuddled a baby doll, played with a kitchen and cash register, built something at a work bench, and found at least 4 toy phones to talk on. One had princesses. She asked her new teacher, Mrs. McNeil, why there were so many phones and where they had all come from. She informed Lilah that parents through the years had donated phones, and her own boys had grown out of their phones and they had all made their way to the classroom. "Everybody likes phones." Something about this conversation drew Lilah in, because she left what she was doing and meandered over to where I was filling out questionnaires.
"Mama, I have school questions."
"Well babe, I don't have those answers. How are you going to solve this problem?" She thought about it and walked cautiously to her teacher.
"Excuse me. I have some questions." I stopped writing and watched. She smiled at Lilah and asked what kind of questions she had. "How is school going to work?" Mrs McNeil laughed. I tried to beam my thoughts into her head. Don't blow her off. Make her trust you. Let her know you can solve problems she has. This means more to her than you know. This is a test. I watched her take Lilah to a little table. She got down and had a chat with her. She told Lilah that it was her job to teach Lilah about letters and their sounds, and Lilah's job to be a curious learner, to learn how to learn, that they would be scientists and mathematicians and scientists. The list went on and Lilah beamed, telling her she was already working on those things. "I'm really glad I'm in your class!" She happily went back to playing and I choked back tears but a few got out. She was excited to start school, learn, and have a new teacher. She was nervous and wanted to know what to expect and this woman had put her mind at ease. It might just all be okay.
That day I was mentally avoiding crept up on me, mostly due to Dano's surprise party being my primary occupation for the holiday weekend. A great crowd of people, burgers and brats, water balloons and cake made for a memorable birthday and Labor Day. I spent the latter part of the evening wandering around like a ghost, trying to find more stuff to clean so I wouldn't have to think about the next morning. Which inevitably came.
Lilah Rose was up and out of bed with bright eyes and a smile. She poked ceremoniously at her raspberry scone, got dressed in a crazy-looking, mismatched outfit before remembering she had laid out a back to school outfit the night before. Uncharacteristically for me my stomach didn't hurt with anxiety. I was just focused on getting us all out the door on time. My stomach did start to hurt on the drive there. Dano and I walked her to her hallway, to her locker. I took so much comfort from seeing other parental anxiety on the faces of parents I've known and grown with through preschool, birthdays, snow days, and sick days. Now our kids were in school together for the foreseeable future. There were seasoned parents with encouraging smiles and friendly nods. Lilah walked confidently into her classroom and started building a tower, proudly sporting a name hat. She hugged us, we stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, and just sort of backed out of the room. I followed Dano down the hallway to the cafeteria where the PTA brunch was about to start. You know that feeling when you leave your purse or your phone someplace, that naked, exposed, forgetful feeling? It was like that, times a thousand. Dano said how proud he was of her, that we'd given her all the tools she needed to handle today. We mingled during brunch then drove home. We spent the afternoon at Ikea replacing flood losses and buying Lilah a big girl twin bed to surprise her after school. I checked my phone a hundred times. We went home to put the hellish Ikea furniture together. I checked my phone some more. The last time she had been at a school, she'd gotten a concussion.
I counted down the hours until I was finally on my way to pick her up after the longest day ever. It had felt so wrong. Like having a phantom limb. We'd spent 5 years keeping her alive and close by. Leaving her with strangers all day felt counter intuitive. I collected her from the line of tiny people, re-entered the school to collect most of her things that she'd forgotten to grab, and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to extract information about the day. She'd loved everything. The worst part of her day was leaving school. The tiny anxiety voice in the back of my head whispered, "They still aren't learning anything yet. It all might change then." She did have a blue note in her backpack indicating she'd broken a rule and we were supposed to talk to her about it and return it the next day. It didn't say which rule or what had happened. Lilah had circled "Safety" and "show respect" and drawn a stick person on it. My heart sunk and I emailed Mrs. McNeil, who apologized for the mix up and said it was just in the scrap paper pile the kids colored, not to worry.
Today Dano picked her up, and while I made dinner I again asked 50 questions in hopes of getting 5 answers. She told me that she'd felt upset at one point and had missed me, so she took a break in the bathroom to cry and calm down. This broke my heart, but I took comfort in the fact the teacher hadn't mentioned it, so it couldn't have been too bad and she had handled it on her own. During her bath she kept going on and on about the letter B. I asked her what she was talking about Bs for.
"B is for Belle, Mama. Mrs. McNeil asked me to go get a B, and I did, and I brought it to her and we talked about Bs. They say ba ba ba, B B B. Ba ba ba. I know all about Bs and she said 'Great job!'" I was brushing her hair after her bath at that point, and for the first time I had to fight hard to keep the tears from flowing. She had learned so much, grown so much over the summer. We had found a great learning/fun balance and she had come far with her letters, numbers, shapes, and colors. It's not reading or anything, but the first learning-related thing I'd heard about, it sounded like she'd done what she was supposed to do. It was all happening so fast but she was doing so well. I couldn't be sad in good conscience. She loved school, loved her teacher, was excited about learning and trying new things. I liked seeing her principal very present at the school, high-fiving kids and greeting parents. The school and PTA was excellent at communicating goings-on with parents. Lilah was eating her whole lunch and playing hard, coming home and eating ravenously. She was happy and well adjusted and we're so proud of her. I'm taking it one day at a time, emotionally. It doesn't feel real, or maybe it feels a little too real. How on earth did we get here?
"Mama, I have school questions."
"Well babe, I don't have those answers. How are you going to solve this problem?" She thought about it and walked cautiously to her teacher.
"Excuse me. I have some questions." I stopped writing and watched. She smiled at Lilah and asked what kind of questions she had. "How is school going to work?" Mrs McNeil laughed. I tried to beam my thoughts into her head. Don't blow her off. Make her trust you. Let her know you can solve problems she has. This means more to her than you know. This is a test. I watched her take Lilah to a little table. She got down and had a chat with her. She told Lilah that it was her job to teach Lilah about letters and their sounds, and Lilah's job to be a curious learner, to learn how to learn, that they would be scientists and mathematicians and scientists. The list went on and Lilah beamed, telling her she was already working on those things. "I'm really glad I'm in your class!" She happily went back to playing and I choked back tears but a few got out. She was excited to start school, learn, and have a new teacher. She was nervous and wanted to know what to expect and this woman had put her mind at ease. It might just all be okay.
That day I was mentally avoiding crept up on me, mostly due to Dano's surprise party being my primary occupation for the holiday weekend. A great crowd of people, burgers and brats, water balloons and cake made for a memorable birthday and Labor Day. I spent the latter part of the evening wandering around like a ghost, trying to find more stuff to clean so I wouldn't have to think about the next morning. Which inevitably came.
Lilah Rose was up and out of bed with bright eyes and a smile. She poked ceremoniously at her raspberry scone, got dressed in a crazy-looking, mismatched outfit before remembering she had laid out a back to school outfit the night before. Uncharacteristically for me my stomach didn't hurt with anxiety. I was just focused on getting us all out the door on time. My stomach did start to hurt on the drive there. Dano and I walked her to her hallway, to her locker. I took so much comfort from seeing other parental anxiety on the faces of parents I've known and grown with through preschool, birthdays, snow days, and sick days. Now our kids were in school together for the foreseeable future. There were seasoned parents with encouraging smiles and friendly nods. Lilah walked confidently into her classroom and started building a tower, proudly sporting a name hat. She hugged us, we stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, and just sort of backed out of the room. I followed Dano down the hallway to the cafeteria where the PTA brunch was about to start. You know that feeling when you leave your purse or your phone someplace, that naked, exposed, forgetful feeling? It was like that, times a thousand. Dano said how proud he was of her, that we'd given her all the tools she needed to handle today. We mingled during brunch then drove home. We spent the afternoon at Ikea replacing flood losses and buying Lilah a big girl twin bed to surprise her after school. I checked my phone a hundred times. We went home to put the hellish Ikea furniture together. I checked my phone some more. The last time she had been at a school, she'd gotten a concussion.
I counted down the hours until I was finally on my way to pick her up after the longest day ever. It had felt so wrong. Like having a phantom limb. We'd spent 5 years keeping her alive and close by. Leaving her with strangers all day felt counter intuitive. I collected her from the line of tiny people, re-entered the school to collect most of her things that she'd forgotten to grab, and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to extract information about the day. She'd loved everything. The worst part of her day was leaving school. The tiny anxiety voice in the back of my head whispered, "They still aren't learning anything yet. It all might change then." She did have a blue note in her backpack indicating she'd broken a rule and we were supposed to talk to her about it and return it the next day. It didn't say which rule or what had happened. Lilah had circled "Safety" and "show respect" and drawn a stick person on it. My heart sunk and I emailed Mrs. McNeil, who apologized for the mix up and said it was just in the scrap paper pile the kids colored, not to worry.
Today Dano picked her up, and while I made dinner I again asked 50 questions in hopes of getting 5 answers. She told me that she'd felt upset at one point and had missed me, so she took a break in the bathroom to cry and calm down. This broke my heart, but I took comfort in the fact the teacher hadn't mentioned it, so it couldn't have been too bad and she had handled it on her own. During her bath she kept going on and on about the letter B. I asked her what she was talking about Bs for.
"B is for Belle, Mama. Mrs. McNeil asked me to go get a B, and I did, and I brought it to her and we talked about Bs. They say ba ba ba, B B B. Ba ba ba. I know all about Bs and she said 'Great job!'" I was brushing her hair after her bath at that point, and for the first time I had to fight hard to keep the tears from flowing. She had learned so much, grown so much over the summer. We had found a great learning/fun balance and she had come far with her letters, numbers, shapes, and colors. It's not reading or anything, but the first learning-related thing I'd heard about, it sounded like she'd done what she was supposed to do. It was all happening so fast but she was doing so well. I couldn't be sad in good conscience. She loved school, loved her teacher, was excited about learning and trying new things. I liked seeing her principal very present at the school, high-fiving kids and greeting parents. The school and PTA was excellent at communicating goings-on with parents. Lilah was eating her whole lunch and playing hard, coming home and eating ravenously. She was happy and well adjusted and we're so proud of her. I'm taking it one day at a time, emotionally. It doesn't feel real, or maybe it feels a little too real. How on earth did we get here?
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Girl meets world
I've seen a lot in the media lately where moms post something heartwarming, outrageous, or emotionally moving, people rally around them, and it turns out to be at least partially fabricated in order to gain attention. Random mom posts an anecdote about how she hates her body, but her kids tell her she's beautiful, stretch marks and all. These got a lot of negative commentary, claiming the women only posted so a bunch of strangers would comment on how beautiful they were to boost their egos. Fabricated stories or not, women's bodies have garnered a lot of attention in the media lately. Not just women's bodies, but women in general. Their health, sexuality, independence, public voice, and ability to stand up for themselves have been hot topics in the past few months. I've found myself swept up in it, not only because I'm a woman myself, but because I'm raising a small one.
Now obviously I don't think a man should make more than I do simply for having a penis, and I'll shout as loud as anyone if a bunch of cranky old white dudes think they should have ANY say in the goings on inside my uterus. I don't take kindly to cat-calling and street harassing, and I will call out any man who thinks it's his prerogative to do so, unless he wants to call out how I look like I'd be a good friend, or let me know I have a nice smile or that my sandals really bring my outfit together. Unfortunately, I've never heard a "Damn, girl. You are wearing those glasses," or a "I bet you'd bake a mean cake," but I'm holding out hope.
It's been a weird week in a weirder month. Well, I guess last month, since August just happened. But this week certainly wrapped up one of the more discombobulated months of my existence. In an day I talked back to a street harasser at lunch time, and after dinner had to break up a fight between two moms in Barnes and Noble, there came a lot of opportunities to discuss things with Lilah. I don't dumb things down for her, but I also don't want to overwhelm her with information she isn't able to process. It's a difficult balancing act sometimes. I also try extremely hard to never criticize my body or appearance in front of her. Of course there are those days where I stare sullenly into the mirror and loathe the reflection. There are the times I try on three outfits and each one fits me awkwardly in all the wrong places. But I swear, those are the times I leave the bathroom or bedroom and hear, "Mama, you look beautiful, or "I love those earrings!" In an effort to not appear a total hypocrite when I tell her excessive makeup only hides a beautiful face, it doesn't make one, I've scaled way back on the amount I wear myself, sticking more with nude tones, clear lip gloss, moisturizing creams, and SPF-enhanced mineral powders, saving the war paint for extremely special occasions. To my surprise, my skin is healthier and I look like myself in the mornings, not a weird, naked version of myself who wouldn't get the mail, let alone go out without "getting ready".
Lilah Rose and I talked a lot yesterday about the moms who got in a fight. Why grownups lose it too, how sometimes even parents freak out and act like kids, push in line, yell and call names. Lilah said, "You would never act like that, Mama." I told her she was probably right (I can't see myself putting my hands on another woman's face and shoving her back because she told me to get in line to get a Frozen bookmark), but that she'd seen me lose my temper plenty of times, snap at her or fight with Dano, say rude things or swear instead of taking a break and using nice words. I don't want her feeling like adults are infallible, or thinking we succeed without failing or royally screwing up. I don't want her respecting me because I'm her mother. I want her to respect me because I'm honest when I screw up, I can scrape up enough humility to apologize when I freak out. I want her to show me respect because I showed it to her first, and that's life. Sometimes there are people in charge of you that you don't respect or agree with, but they're still in charge. If you want respect, you show it to other people first. And unfortunately, she's already had to learn of several adults that no matter how they act or what they say, it's okay not to listen to them because they aren't in charge of her, or what they're telling her isn't right. That's tough to process at 5.
Today we were driving on the way to pick up Rowan for his birthday outing, and Lilah said something out of the blue that caught me completely off guard.
"Mama, I can't wait until I'm big and I turn into a person like you." I laughed, trying to keep derision out of my voice, but let me tell you. It was hard.
"Why would you say that, pumpkin?"
"Because. I like you, I like how you look and how you are, and I want to be like you too."
"Like me, how? You know sometimes I don't act right. Sometimes I'm stubborn and I throw tantrums and have bad days and lose patience when I shouldn't. There are things about me that I know you can do better." I wasn't fishing for an ego boost, I was just terribly curious what on earth had brought this up.
"You would never be like that all the times. And I like how you look. I like the kind of clothes you wear and that you look like a grown up." I laughed again, derision-free this time.
"Well, I am a grown up. But you can wear dresses and things now, same as me. You don't have to wait to be a grown up to dress nicely. You always look good in whatever you wear."
"Yeah. But I like how you wear them. And I want to wear them that way when I'm big." I never got a clear idea what she meant by that, so I switched gears.
"Well when you're big, what kind of a person do you want to be?" She was quiet a bit before replying.
"I want to be an actual, real, me kind of person. You know?" I didn't. "I want to be me, only a grown up me. But still Lilah."
Not wanting to lose her identity in the process of getting older and entering the adult world. I hear ya, sister. I've been struggling with my own identity this year. Actually liking who I am, but realizing with chagrin that my body is changing. Not drastically, not even necessarily in ways I dislike, but definitely aging. Maturing. Realizing this with some distress that my partner won't agree that it's a positive or neutral change. Realizing that 7 years into a marriage, relationships sometimes stall out and I'm not sure how to jump start it with the tools I have. Putting on a new outfit that makes me feel confident and stepping out of the bedroom smiling, only to be met with indifference and having to ask later if it met with actual disapproval or he just hadn't noticed. Getting really weary of having spent so many years with opposite schedules, having sacrificed time together to raise a child without daycare and neither of us being good at making each other a priority. Spending a lot of evenings alone and missing my best friend, forging on to figure out who I am without him but liking myself a lot better when complemented by him (not verbally, but emotionally). There was a time I literally unable to sleep without him next to me, to wake me up when I sobbed through the nightmares that came almost every night. I can sleep now. No more nightmares. But I still sleep best with him. It's weird being a feminist whose life is made better in every way by a man. It's weird thriving in a career where I'm respected, happy, a trusted voice, an authority figure, but knowing I never could have gotten to this place without the person who sacrificed and struggled along side me to get me there. It's another balance issue, how to teach Lilah she can do anything without needing a man, but her having grown up watching me do everything with a male partner.
At the end of the conversation, Lilah said she wanted to be a doctor when she grew up. Not a doctor who listened to coughs and things. "They're too hard to inspect. I want to be in charge of skin because I can see what's wrong, I don't have to listen to it. Kid skin. If it's infected, I'll make it better." I told her those are called pediatric dermatologist, and they take a lot of school and math and science to become. After trying the title out a few times, she nodded. "Okay. A dermatologist. I like school, and I already know math. That's what I'll be then."
Now obviously I don't think a man should make more than I do simply for having a penis, and I'll shout as loud as anyone if a bunch of cranky old white dudes think they should have ANY say in the goings on inside my uterus. I don't take kindly to cat-calling and street harassing, and I will call out any man who thinks it's his prerogative to do so, unless he wants to call out how I look like I'd be a good friend, or let me know I have a nice smile or that my sandals really bring my outfit together. Unfortunately, I've never heard a "Damn, girl. You are wearing those glasses," or a "I bet you'd bake a mean cake," but I'm holding out hope.
It's been a weird week in a weirder month. Well, I guess last month, since August just happened. But this week certainly wrapped up one of the more discombobulated months of my existence. In an day I talked back to a street harasser at lunch time, and after dinner had to break up a fight between two moms in Barnes and Noble, there came a lot of opportunities to discuss things with Lilah. I don't dumb things down for her, but I also don't want to overwhelm her with information she isn't able to process. It's a difficult balancing act sometimes. I also try extremely hard to never criticize my body or appearance in front of her. Of course there are those days where I stare sullenly into the mirror and loathe the reflection. There are the times I try on three outfits and each one fits me awkwardly in all the wrong places. But I swear, those are the times I leave the bathroom or bedroom and hear, "Mama, you look beautiful, or "I love those earrings!" In an effort to not appear a total hypocrite when I tell her excessive makeup only hides a beautiful face, it doesn't make one, I've scaled way back on the amount I wear myself, sticking more with nude tones, clear lip gloss, moisturizing creams, and SPF-enhanced mineral powders, saving the war paint for extremely special occasions. To my surprise, my skin is healthier and I look like myself in the mornings, not a weird, naked version of myself who wouldn't get the mail, let alone go out without "getting ready".
Lilah Rose and I talked a lot yesterday about the moms who got in a fight. Why grownups lose it too, how sometimes even parents freak out and act like kids, push in line, yell and call names. Lilah said, "You would never act like that, Mama." I told her she was probably right (I can't see myself putting my hands on another woman's face and shoving her back because she told me to get in line to get a Frozen bookmark), but that she'd seen me lose my temper plenty of times, snap at her or fight with Dano, say rude things or swear instead of taking a break and using nice words. I don't want her feeling like adults are infallible, or thinking we succeed without failing or royally screwing up. I don't want her respecting me because I'm her mother. I want her to respect me because I'm honest when I screw up, I can scrape up enough humility to apologize when I freak out. I want her to show me respect because I showed it to her first, and that's life. Sometimes there are people in charge of you that you don't respect or agree with, but they're still in charge. If you want respect, you show it to other people first. And unfortunately, she's already had to learn of several adults that no matter how they act or what they say, it's okay not to listen to them because they aren't in charge of her, or what they're telling her isn't right. That's tough to process at 5.
Today we were driving on the way to pick up Rowan for his birthday outing, and Lilah said something out of the blue that caught me completely off guard.
"Mama, I can't wait until I'm big and I turn into a person like you." I laughed, trying to keep derision out of my voice, but let me tell you. It was hard.
"Why would you say that, pumpkin?"
"Because. I like you, I like how you look and how you are, and I want to be like you too."
"Like me, how? You know sometimes I don't act right. Sometimes I'm stubborn and I throw tantrums and have bad days and lose patience when I shouldn't. There are things about me that I know you can do better." I wasn't fishing for an ego boost, I was just terribly curious what on earth had brought this up.
"You would never be like that all the times. And I like how you look. I like the kind of clothes you wear and that you look like a grown up." I laughed again, derision-free this time.
"Well, I am a grown up. But you can wear dresses and things now, same as me. You don't have to wait to be a grown up to dress nicely. You always look good in whatever you wear."
"Yeah. But I like how you wear them. And I want to wear them that way when I'm big." I never got a clear idea what she meant by that, so I switched gears.
"Well when you're big, what kind of a person do you want to be?" She was quiet a bit before replying.
"I want to be an actual, real, me kind of person. You know?" I didn't. "I want to be me, only a grown up me. But still Lilah."
Not wanting to lose her identity in the process of getting older and entering the adult world. I hear ya, sister. I've been struggling with my own identity this year. Actually liking who I am, but realizing with chagrin that my body is changing. Not drastically, not even necessarily in ways I dislike, but definitely aging. Maturing. Realizing this with some distress that my partner won't agree that it's a positive or neutral change. Realizing that 7 years into a marriage, relationships sometimes stall out and I'm not sure how to jump start it with the tools I have. Putting on a new outfit that makes me feel confident and stepping out of the bedroom smiling, only to be met with indifference and having to ask later if it met with actual disapproval or he just hadn't noticed. Getting really weary of having spent so many years with opposite schedules, having sacrificed time together to raise a child without daycare and neither of us being good at making each other a priority. Spending a lot of evenings alone and missing my best friend, forging on to figure out who I am without him but liking myself a lot better when complemented by him (not verbally, but emotionally). There was a time I literally unable to sleep without him next to me, to wake me up when I sobbed through the nightmares that came almost every night. I can sleep now. No more nightmares. But I still sleep best with him. It's weird being a feminist whose life is made better in every way by a man. It's weird thriving in a career where I'm respected, happy, a trusted voice, an authority figure, but knowing I never could have gotten to this place without the person who sacrificed and struggled along side me to get me there. It's another balance issue, how to teach Lilah she can do anything without needing a man, but her having grown up watching me do everything with a male partner.
At the end of the conversation, Lilah said she wanted to be a doctor when she grew up. Not a doctor who listened to coughs and things. "They're too hard to inspect. I want to be in charge of skin because I can see what's wrong, I don't have to listen to it. Kid skin. If it's infected, I'll make it better." I told her those are called pediatric dermatologist, and they take a lot of school and math and science to become. After trying the title out a few times, she nodded. "Okay. A dermatologist. I like school, and I already know math. That's what I'll be then."
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