1:45 rolled around. I was talking to Dano online. I fell apart. "What if she needs me and wonders why I don't come? What if she runs out of milk? What if she's miserable for 9 straight hours?" Dano assured me she would have a good time, and if she ran out of milk somehow, I only worked 3 miles away and would be pumping on my breaks.
Fears about my child's well-being quelled, I moved on to fears about my job, like any reasonable person would do. "What if I forgot how to be a nurse? What if *gasp* State comes to do their survey and follows ME?" Dano said nursing was probably like riding a bike, and my supervisors would never let State follow me on my first day back.
So I went to work, after holding a sleeping Lilah and crying, and watching Larry drive her away while biting my quivering lip. At first, my head was in a complete fog. I kept having to have the off-going nurse giving report repeat things. I forgot who my diabetics were, who had MRSA, who was mobile, and who had died. When I met with my staff (my facility has all nurses meet with their staff before a shift, which I really like), I gave them report, and reminded them that they knew the floor better than I did at this point. I believe my parting words with them were, "If you see me doing something stupid, or not doing something I should, cut me a little slack and tell me. If I take my 15 minute breaks (I usually only take my 30 minute lunch, since the short breaks are for smokers), it's because I'm breastfeeding and need to pump. If you find me in the linen closet crying, it's because this is the first time I've left Lilah for more than a couple hours. Just grab what you need and carry on."
All in all, the night went pretty well. Some of my residents remembered I had been pregnant ("You're not as fat as you used to be! Did you have that baby?"). Some did not ("You look different." "I'm not pregnant anymore." "No, your hair's longer. Honey, you people are always getting pregnant. I can't keep them all straight anymore."). My med pass took about 8 years to complete because so much had changed, and I was lucky enough to acquire yet another PEG tube feeder, and I had 3 colostomy bags explode or be exploded by their owners, but overall it was good. I did have a man who had a severe stroke in the morning and was rapidly dying all night, but it was his time and he was courteous enough not to pass away until midnight shift came on to relieve me. I was so busy I only had time to look longingly at the linen closet from time to time when I got sad about Lilah, but it could have been much worse. I even conned one of my more agreeable residents into watching the season finale of NCIS so I could pop in to see how it ended. I thanked her, and she said, "Oh honey, don't worry about it. I love these actioned-packed thriller shows, with gun-fighting and explosions. Keeps me young." My staff and coworkers asked for pictures and cooed and awwed accordingly. All in all, I had forgotten how cute my residents are, how competent my staff is, and how much I enjoy doing what I do. It was a good time.
Toward the end of the night, the following pictures were texted to me.
Lilah and her daddy were obviously having a blast watching the Wings win, and texting me the score. Right before they picked me up, I got this one.
She was sleepy and content. I made it, and she obviously hadn't missed me nearly as much as I missed her. That''s exactly how it should be.
