So Lilah learned how to say "Mama" with meaning less than a week ago. Saturday, I believe, was the first time she said, "Mama" in distress, for only me. It was darling to hear her call for me in the middle of the night if she woke up scared (we were house-sitting and she didn't do well at all sleeping away from home for so long). It seems that for every exciting new stage of development, there is a flip-side I never considered.
We're trying to work on "Papa" with her. She'll make the "P" sound, then grin and say, "Mama".
As I type, she is on the couch next to me crying for me. Her blues eyes fill with fake tears and she moans, "Mamaaaa! Mamaaaa!" until I plop her in my lap. Then we're happily playing with toys again. We have hardwood floors, so she scoots after me as fast as she can, crying if I so much as take my eyes off her to make my breakfast. It seems like she was only independent and mobile for a few weeks before hitting this separation anxiety. I feel like house-sitting made it worse, because she was out of her element and insecure. I've been working even less than normal lately, so it can't be added separation. Teething makes her clingy, too, and that's an on again/off again affair. It seems like the gods of motherhood are working against me so I lose my mind.
If Dano wants any "husband time", at this point I honestly feel like slapping him or screaming. Or both. I want to dress in jeans that make my butt look good, NOT wear a nursing bra and easy-to-pull-aside shirt, gather a small assortment of girls (hell, I don't even care if I like them at this point), and go do something fun. Gone are the worried days of new-motherhood where I checked my watch continually and imagined my poor child suffering without me. I love my daughter dearly and realize this is a normal stage of development that we will work through as a family, but other than going to Bible study once and out for drinks once, I haven't had any time away from work, Dano, and Lilah in almost 8 months and I'm a woman on the edge.
The walls are closing in. In my mind, I see Marquette as an island floating in a sea of pines. Driving here at night scares me because there aren't the brilliant lights of the city to guide me. Nashville had its faults, but it was so easy to navigate. The interstate ran north/south, so no matter where I was, I could jump on I-65 and get home. I feel panicky here. I have water on all sides of me, and miles between gas stations and tiny towns. I fear becoming delusional but I feel like even Lake Superior is menacing with over 350 shipwrecks to her name. She's a bloodthirsty empress with complete and irrevocable sovereignty and I feel trapped.
I think of the friends I want to rescue me - Bekah, Deidre, Kalli, Kim, Danielle, Sarah, Richelle, Mia, Sara, Kristina. Bekah is the mother of Sofia Milan, born only days ago, and in Texas. Deidre is in Ohio. Kalli is adjusting to life with Mellisa Sophia, and I know full well how crazy that transition is from newborn to infant. Kim is in Ireland having amazing adventures. Danielle is in Coldwater and going through her own trials right now. Sarah is tending to 7 month old Gavin in middle-Michigan. Richelle is in Utah but keeping me from becoming a homicidal maniac with her enlightening online chats. Mia is wonderful, but also a full-time student (and I always feel like Dano's friends are friends with me out of pity). Sara is wonderfully 12 1/2 weeks pregnant with Emma's little brother or sister in Hillsdale. Kristina is working hundreds of hours in Nashville. I'm here in Ishpeming singing a song by City in Colour, a band I don't even like. "Someone come and, someone come and save my life. Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead but now it's like the night is taking up sides with all the worries that occupy the back of my mind...Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide will swallow me whole. I'm breaking down."
