Dark days

I started taking birth control again a month ago. I had tried before, and I had been very sick, no sex drive, headaches, and other problems. I talked with my doctor and said, "I don't want to puke or lose my sex drive. If you've got something for that, I'm willing to try it." He prescribed Yaz, which was supposed to be more mild than some of its predecessors. I decided to give it a try.

Within the first 3 days, I got the first yeast infection of my life, so I had to treat that. I got nauseated frequently but not to the point of vomiting. The vertigo got bad, and I had blood pressure fluctuation. I broke out badly and my already-frequent headaches were a daily companion. Within a week, I had gone from my usual outspoken self to downright antagonistic. Someone could say something that wouldn't normally bother me and instead of it not even being a blip on my radar, I would go off at them. In my head, I was thinking it was a good opportunity to speak my mind and tell people how I really felt and even if they were upset at first, it was just because I was being honest and they'd come to appreciate it in the long run. That's how it started anyway.

Within two weeks, I was just plain irritated. At everyone. Everything. I could have three days off and I'd return to work snapping and perturbed like I'd been there 6 days. My coworkers were taking notice. My staff was unimpressed with my irritability. My friend Melissa even said one night, "What is wrong with you? We're having a good night and you've still been nothing but crabby." I shrugged it off. "Just burnt out I guess."

By the third week, I was taking active steps to sabotage my closest friendships and nip any new relationships in the bud. I couldn't get off the couch. I cried at the drop of a hat. In my head, I was a constant victim but at the same time the sane part of me knew I was the root of the problem. We went to Zedd's soccer game and I got mad at Lilah for not wearing a hat. I looked at her and thought of how all the other kids looked clean and cute and she just looked rough and raggedy with her crazy hair and play clothes.

This photo was taken that day and I looked at it later and thought, "She's beautiful just like always! What was I thinking?!" I was good at masking it when people were around, primarily because then I was distracted from being alone with myself. But I hated being on my own because I knew something was wrong. I didn't feel like me anymore. I could recall the best memories of my life and they were oddly tainted by negativity. Pictures of me everyone complimented, I looked at in disgust. I weighed myself constantly, feeling like I was getting fat. Thoughts started creeping in my head that I was ruining everything I touched and my family would be better off without me, except for the fact they needed the income from my job to survive. I was staying up at night online to distract myself until I truly couldn't keep my eyes open anymore so I wouldn't have to lay in bed and think because my thoughts were starting to scare me.

Dano finally had a few talks with me after being my constant voice of reason for weeks. He wanted me to go off the pill. I agreed that was probably best. Even after three days of not taking the pill, I'm not all right. In fact, I feel like I'm getting worse. It just feels dark in my head. Dano is the only thing keeping me functioning, and that's only because he can talk me out of my moods where I think the world would be better off without me. I tried going to bed at a normal hour last night and we ended up arguing and I sobbed for an hour until I was exhausted. I'm not even sure what I said to him. I remember hearing breaks screeching on the highway and wondering what it would be like if it was me in the car. I want to get better. I want to feel normal and happy again. I don't know what else I can do. I feel like I'm drowning in my own head.