Nightmares

I just need to get this out.

Two days ago, I was under a lot of stress from work. They gave me an extra day off, then after my shift started, tried to call me in to cover for someone who didn't show up. I was worried they'd find a way to write me up as a no-call to keep from giving me my bonus in two weeks. I was also worried this would somehow affect my ability to transfer to my new facility - a stealth operation on my part that's been in the works for a month now.

That same day, Lilah had woken up on the wrong side of bed. She was just unpleasant from the time she opened her little blue eyes to the time she closed them that night. I spent my day off practically 100% with her. We played. Read stories. Ate snacks. Snuggled. She was even sitting on her customary stool in the kitchen while I made tacos for dinner. She would get down off my lap while we were reading stories to cross the living room, look straight at me, and smack my laptop (big no-no in this house). She would have 100% of her needs met and still emit a high-pitched whine. She terrorized the cat, yelled for no reason, tried to smack me with picture frames, and was just generally naughty. I tried everything and concluded she was just having an off day because of the stormy weather (changes in barometric pressure really affect my little one). There were many one-minute time outs, stern looks, and gritting my teeth and going about my business without making eye contact during the shrieky whines. I was exasperated at the end of the day and more than ready to put her to sleep for the night. I was counting down the hours until bedtime. I kissed her haphazardly, told her I loved her, and Dano took her upstairs. I breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed for the rest of the night.

Late that night, I fell into bed, mentally and physically exhausted. I had the most terrible nightmares I've ever had in my life. They won't get out of my head now, and I need an outlet. I don't want to talk about them because they're truly horrifying to me and I can't even think about or write them without crying, but I need to exorcise them in some way. I decided to write them out here.

 I was home and distraught. It wasn't our house now. It was an older, darker house with 70's wood paneled walls and shabby, scratchy furniture. There were sheets over the dim windows and dust everywhere. Work had fired me days before my bonus was due and denied my transfer. I had begged and pleaded. I told them I had a family, a small daughter to feed. They were my same administrative staff, only bigger, colder, and more powerful. They didn't even hear what I was saying, and said I should have thought about all this before taking an extra day off I wasn't entitled to. I had come home and put Lilah distractedly in the bathtub. I was talking to Dano in the kitchen, very upset, and asking him what we were going to do. I was going back and forth between the bathroom and the kitchen, but not paying attention to Lilah. I don't even remember seeing her in the tub while going back and forth between the rooms.  Finally Dano just said we'd figure something out and went into another room to lie down on the couch with his laptop. I went in with a towel to get Lilah out of the tub, and I knew instantly that she was dead. I don't remember much of this part of the dream. Just that I felt something break in my mind. Something that was everything good, my sanity, my happiness, my will to live. I called for Dano in a broken voice that wasn't mine. He blamed himself for distracting me and not watching her in the tub. His face was contorted in horror and he couldn't drag his eyes off her. He backed out of the room.  I remember holding her in my arms and feeling how heavy she was. I covered her and dried her off, thinking calmly that I was glad her eyes were closed so I wouldn't have to see the lack of light behind them. I took her upstairs and chose an outfit for her. I put a diaper on her and dressed her, combed her hair. I tucked her next to me on my bed and closed my eyes. I remember thinking that I was no mother. I was a murderess, and if God had any mercy in him, I'd never open my eyes again so I could be with her forever. I woke up from my nap because I felt something cold next to me. I knew what it was and held her tightly to me, tears spilling out of my eyes. The sick, dead feeling that had started in the pit of my soul was spreading to the rest of my body and I felt a panic rising. I just rocked my poor child and remembered every moment I could recall from the time I laid eyes on her for the first time. Hours went by. I had to pull myself away from her as I felt my sanity slipping more and more, but I didn't care. I stood up and something in me needed Dano. My feet felt leaden. I closed the door quietly so I wouldn't wake her and walked down the stairs into the room where Dano was lying on the couch. Facebook was open on his laptop, and he'd updated his status moments before. "She's really gone. She's never coming back and I always knew it would be my fault." He had a dull look in his eyes, and an empty bottle of pills next to him. I realized that I was about to lose the only other thing worth living for, and I collapsed on the floor next to him and laid my head in his lap. He folded his arms around me distractedly and almost resolutely, and something inside me was screaming. Screaming so loudly that it drowned out every other thought, emotion, and feeling. There was most certainly a hell, and I was in it. Suddenly I felt like I was rising from deep water, a familiar feeling while I'm dreaming and it always means my consciousness is rising to the surface. My dream-mind felt a swell of hope that none of this had been real and maybe I had hope of redemption after all. I waited. It always feels like a baptism. Whether the dream was good or bad, I feel like I'm leaving it behind for a new life in reality. I felt my body rise with my consciousness, and I opened my eyes to find myself sitting up and sobbing wildly. Dano woke abruptly and reached for me. I can't remember how I ended up in his arms, but he held me tightly and stroked my hair. I had a death-hold on his arms and just sobbed. "Honey, honey it's okay. It was a dream. Calm down. You're okay." Snapshots from my dream kept flooding my mind, like a unique kind of torture. He was shushing me, and I quieted for a moment and heard Lilah's soft, rhythmic breathing in the next room. The image of her lifeless body invaded my mind and I relapsed into hysterical tears again. "I can't get it out of my head. It won't get out of my head!" I was almost shouting at this point. I don't know how long it took him to get me calm enough to sleep, or if I just wore myself out. But I passed into a dreamless sleep for a few more hours.

In the morning, I walked downstairs and Dano looked at me as if he was trying to read from my face how much I remembered. He mentioned something about me having nightmares, and I nodded and burst into tears again. He held me and I tried to get myself under control. He got up to get me coffee and I reached for Lilah Rose. She crawled into my lap and nestled her head into my chest and I held her desperately. She reached for the Xbox controller Dano had set down, unpaused Mass Effect, and fired a few rounds at an unfortunate alien who happened to be standing too close to Commander Shepherd. I laughed and dried my tears. She was my crazy, sweet little baby. It was going to be all right.

 I've been afraid to sleep the last couple of nights. I keep pushing the dream out of my head, but it resurfaces and fear grips me again. I'm holding onto one of my favorite verses - "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." Dano says it was my stress from work taking over my mind, and guilt about being so frustrated with Lilah that day. I thought maybe by writing this out, it would take the power and horror out of it. Now I'm not sure that's true. Maybe only time can take the images and fear away, but in the meantime, I dread going to sleep at night and hold my husband and daughter tightly and often. I'm not sure what else I can do.