Rant

You know, there is this perfect picture of motherhood in my head. To me, it embodies selflessness. Your kid always coming first and you being happy about it. Well, today, that's just not me.

We were supposed to go meet a puppy this afternoon. For once, it seemed like it might work. We've been looking for a puppy for 6 months with no luck. It never works out. I've really wanted one.

When Lilah woke up from her nap, she was crabby, whiny, and mouthy. She utterly refused to get in the car. We realized quickly that driving 45 minutes to meet a dog would be disaster and we'd end up frustrated. Dano and I agreed to call it quits. Since then, she's continued to be whiny and a total grouch. Well, she sweet and cute with Dano, of course. Instead of taking a deep breath and patiently dealing with her, I'm so angry. I can't even look at her. It's not her fault she woke up on the wrong side of bed. She's 2 1/2. She's been sassy all day, but it wasn't until it interfered with my plans that it mattered.

She's frequented time out. She's had breaks in her room. She's had distraction with toys. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to reason with my insane toddler. I don't want to be a perfect, patient mother. I don't actually care that she's in a bad mood. I want to throw a fit along side her. I want to kick and scream and cry that I didn't get my way. It seems like this always happens any time I want to do something for me. I didn't get anything for Mother's Day or my birthday. I don't get girls nights out, adult time, hobbies, allowances, or me-time. I go to the bathroom either with company or tiny fists pounding down the door. My baths and showers are almost never solo. I cook and bake and try to keep the house as clean as I can. I stopped doing yoga because she pushed me over while she was awake and I was exhausted by the time she went to sleep. Now in the meantime, I'm feeling out of shape, flabby, and my self esteem is taking a hit. I try to keep everyone in this damn house happy, healthy, and entertained and all the while it feels like it's take, take, take until I'm running on empty but nobody cares.

If I suggest doing something, Dano never wants to go unless it suits. He wants his time away, which is fine. I'm the one taking her to events and errands. But any time it comes down to something for me that they don't feel like participating in, it all falls apart. I'm tired of trying to stuff my ridiculous family into this mould that they're never going to fit. And what's the point anyway if I'm working 90 hours a pay period. I get
15 hours during the week while Lilah's awake. That's not enough time to be the mother I want to be. I feel like I'm better off just working and making sure she has toys and food and a fun time with her dad. She spends the first 90 minutes I'm home whining and crying at me anyway.

I wanted to be this amazingly domestic wife and mother who raised a family and took care of a house. That was my biggest dream. To be a nurse was always second and I really thought I could reconcile the two. The longer this goes on, the more apparent it is that I'm trapped in one role and failing at the other.