March 24th, 2009 was a day the Alexander Family had been eagerly awaiting for months. It was the day the new Decemberists album, The Hazards of Love, was coming out. Dano especially couldn't wait and was planning on getting it at Target the day it came out. He went on and on about it all day on the 23rd. As for myself, I had my last prenatal appointment that day. Kim (Dano's sister) was in town on Lilah-watch all weekend. She took me to town for my appointment. We met Ann for lunch first, then I walked across the street to the office. Dr. Hatfield asked what the plan was, and I told her Dr. Hardie said I'd be admitted tonight if nothing had happened. Her face barely changed, but her eyebrow seemed to raise a little. "Is that what you want to do?" I decided to tell the truth.
"No, but she'll be 10 days late by the time she's born if I'm induced tonight. I'm scared to go any longer, and impatient. And we have family in town for the weekend we rarely get to see. They're leaving in a couple days, and I'd hate for them not to see the baby while they're here."
"Okay. I'll call the hospital, and see what we can do." When she came back, she said, "There are 6 scheduled C sections for tomorrow morning, and 9 other women overdue. They can slide you in for tomorrow evening at the soonest. Let's do your exam and you can plan on calling the hospital around 5:00 tomorrow." My heart sank and I hopped up on the table. She did the exam and said my cervix and her head had made serious progress in the 6 days since I'd been seen. "We'll plan on tomorrow, but I hope you don't need it." I smiled and nodded but didn't believe I had the ability to go into labor on my own.
I walked to meet Kim, and we took the boys to the library to play trains. I kept cramping up, but exams do that every time. I was irritated, so I suggested we go get ice creams (the obvious solution for pregnancy-induced irritability). We went to Jilberts, then back to my house. Dano got home, and we all had a really nice spaghetti dinner with "Hot Chocolates By Dano" for dessert (he makes a mean HC). Kim left, and Dano and I watched How I Met Your Mother. I fell asleep on the couch because I was, for no reason in particular, exhausted beyond belief. By about 10:00, Dano had gotten up to play on the computer. Have you ever fallen asleep and had your cell phone vibrate and wake you up? I had a feeling like one bizarre vibration inside me, a weird internal shudder, around 10:45. I opened my eyes and felt a warm flood of fluid. I yelled, bolted off the couch, and stood there as what seemed like gallons of fluid just kept coming as my husband watched in a sort of fascinated, amused disgust. I started shaking and calling/texting people while Dano called the hospital to tell them we were on our way. Out of pure convenience, it was a nice mix of rain and sleet coating the roads and still coming down on the way to MGH.
When we got there, the nursing staff was ready for us. Our nurse, Katie, had me change into a gown and checked to see if the fluid was really my water breaking. The results were "inconclusive", but I was pretty convinced about what had happened. They got me set up on the monitors, and I was having good, regular contractions about every 7-10 minutes (nothing new there). Dr. Hatfield arrived at around midnight looking sleepy, but she acted genuinely pleased I'd come in on my own. She checked my fluid (my water had indeed broken), and my cervix. I had dilated another centimeter since my appointment. She told me she'd stay on the unit until the baby was born, but wanted me to relax and rest so I'd have enough energy to deliver later.
Dano and I walked the halls a little, got a snack in the kitchen, and my contractions became more intense, but nothing big. I'd just sit down through them and close my eyes and think of nice things. Nothing to worry about at all.
At almost 3:00 AM, I got in the sweet whirlpool tub to wind down for a bit. Dano kept me company and helped me caper in and out of the tub. We both tried to get some sleep after that. I tossed and turned a little, and realized that my bladder was very full at 4:00. I got up to take care of that, and hadn't even crawled back into bed before I felt like someone had started putting my lower abdomen through a paper shredder. It lasted almost a minute, and I got back in bed and thought, "Oh, that wasn't fun at all. At least they're only every 7-10 minutes." 4 minutes later, my eyes shot open when it started again. Katie came in to check on me about 30 minutes later after noticing my contractions being stronger and closer together. She told me to let her know if there was anything non-medicinal I wanted to try for the pain (she already knew I was going to try to go natural). My breathing got so heavy that it woke Dano up at 5:00 or so, and he came to sit by me and started my Delivery Playlist on his computer. He held my hand through the contractions, which were going from a pain scale of "This really blows but it's pain I can handle" to "Oh God, there's no way I can do this and live." At 6:00, I looked at him, wide-eyed and panicked, and said, "I've reached my limit, I think. I can't handle pain any worse than this." Another contraction started and I groaned and held my belly. He said, "Baby, I know you can, you're already doing great. You know you don't need anything." He was being the steadfast support person I told him I had wanted him to be weeks ago. I responded by telling him to just not talk.
Katie called Dr. Hatfield to check me. As she did, I told her that I didn't want to give in, but I didn't think I could do it anymore. I thought I'd reached my limit. She smiled (she has such a reassuring smile) and said, "You went from a 4 to an 8 in two hours. This is the transition part of labor, and it's one of the hardest parts. You're an 8, Allison! Do you think you can do this for 2 more centimeters? You'll have your baby so soon." I tried not to cry and nodded, probably looking like a 5 year old. I could do it. Just 2 more, and pushing. How bad could it be?
Katie stayed with me doing charting and coaching me on my breathing. At 6:30, I told her I felt like I had tons of pressure, like I was going to have a bowel movement. That got her on the phone really fast, and Dr. Hatfield came in looking like she was ready to do battle. She got on her stool at the foot of my bed and told me what was happening with my body. My contractions were about every minute at this point, and I felt like I wanted to die when I was having them. It was the weirdest sort of pain. During one, I really thought I would burst into pieces from the pain. In between, my brain would rally all remaining rationality and I'd realize that I was all right, not dead, and nearing the end of all of it. I was coached on how to push, and the two of them kept telling me how great I was doing, and how far I'd come all on my own. I was conscious of Dano next to me, quiet, holding my hand or shoulder, and giving me sips of water when I looked thirsty. I tried to push with some dignity, not wanting to make noise or look stupid. I wasn't allowed to do that more than once. I quickly realized that this point of labor wasn't like anything on the movies, or A Baby Story. It was barbaric, violent, and intensely spiritual. Dr. Hatfield kept telling me the progress the baby was making down the birth canal, and how well my body was doing. It didn't feel like anything was happening. I told her, and she had me reach down and feel the tip of the baby's head. She had hair. I pushed and pushed.
(This next part is what Dano told me happened) I was exhausted and literally passing out between contractions, and just doing what I was told to do when I had them. I would let my head roll back as soon as one subsided, and I recall asking for water a lot. Hours went by, but they felt like minutes. Several times I said I couldn't do it anymore. They just told me I was already doing it, and it wouldn't get better until it was over, and to push. After awhile, Dr. Hatfield looked very serious and told Katie to put oxygen on me. She reached her fingers in to stroke the baby's skull to get her heart rate up. I wasn't worried. I wasn't anything. I didn't even feel like I was there anymore. I felt like I was floating somewhere else far away. The only thought I can recall was noticing Iron and Wine singing Bob Dylan's "Dark Eyes" and what a nice song it was. The horrible pain had gone away, and it was just pressure and pushing and my head was fuzzy. I pushed until 8:30, and finally felt her pass my pubic bone. At that point, I started to actually feel her head. There was an intense burning-feeling they assured me was normal, since her head was starting to crown. I stopped pushing after a contraction, but the feeling didn't ebb away like they had been. Another contraction came and went and I pushed, and stopped after it died down. The feeling just got worse. I thought, "Screw this." If it wasn't going to get better by pausing, this baby had to come out NOW. I didn't breathe. I didn't stop. I didn't wait for contractions. I pushed like I'd die if I didn't (which I believed to be the case). Suddenly, I felt my child emerge in a halo of fire. Dr. Hatfield's face broke into a smile and she told me the head was out. "Now let's meet your baby." I felt a shoulder, and then she was instantly in my arms looking up at me quietly. The song "I Will Possess Your Heart" by Death Cab for Cutie was playing. I remember crying, and saying, "Hi", then "She's so fat!", then "Is she really a girl?" Katie laughed and showed me that she was, indeed, the girl we'd been promised. I noticed then that she was covered in something brown, and that everyone was rubbing her vigorously. She took her time crying. I looked at Dano, who just stared at her with shiny eyes. It took a few minutes for the cord to stop pulsing and get clamped and cut. Then they took her to the warmer and suctioned her. She had been in a little distress during the last part of the delivery and had released meconium (the brown stuff I'd noticed), inhaling about 4 mL of it, along with some blood and fluid. They suctioned it out of her, and she started to cry like a regular baby.
It took about 45 minutes to get me in decent shape again after the placenta was delivered. Dr. Hatfield was very slow and methodical about stitching me up, and made sure I didn't feel anything at all. She was surprised I'd had any tearing, since the pushing was so long and slow, but Lilah's head was very round and big.
They weighed her and measured her - 8 lbs, 3.6 oz, and 19 in long. That was about a pound more than they thought she would weigh from feeling her inside me. Dano carried her around while I was getting fixed up, talking with her and telling her things like, "We're going to have so much fun doing things mommy doesn't like." They asked her official name and how it was spelled - Lilah Rose Marie Alexander.
After all that time, I finally got to hold her and nurse her for the first time. She had the widest, dark-blue eyes, almost black wavy hair, and the longest eyelashes I'd ever seen. Her little lips were pink and pouty, and she was easily the most beautiful thing I'd ever laid eyes on.
Since then, she's had lots of visitors, nursed and slept wonderfully, and is generally very agreeable and easy-going. We were allowed to go home at 2:00 PM on the 25th, and now we're just adjusting to our new life as a trinity instead of a duo. She feels like she's been here my whole life.
Oh, we did end up getting the new Decemberists cd after all. Dano's parents picked it up and brought it to us. We decided it should be a birthday present for Lilah - our own little Hazard of Love.
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