Meditation

I've been getting irritated beyond belief with being pregnant, and yesterday was the day to crown all irritating days. I had my fourth once-a-week appointment. If I make it to my next one, I'll be overdue. I'm glad no one has been cute enough to give me the line, "Babies are never overdue; they come exactly when God wants them to." All I know is that I've been carrying her 40 weeks, and I'm tired of it. Noah thought he had it bad being on a boat 40 days and 40 nights. That was a cruise.

Anyway, I went to my appointment, only to be told the doctors were running about 30 minutes behind. An hour and a half later, the nurse took me back, weighed me (no change), took my vitals (no change), and asked me some questions (no change there either). She said the doctor would be in any minute. 30 minutes later (two hours after my appointment was scheduled), Dr. Stevens came in. He's the most quiet and impersonal of the three doctors, and I've been keeping my fingers crossed that he's not on call when I deliver. He motioned for me to hop on the table, and he felt the baby's position and remarked (like they do every week) at how low her head was, and that he was surprised labor hadn't started already. He asked about swelling and contractions, and told me they'd see me back in a week if I didn't go into labor, "But it should be any time now." I smiled while contemplating knocking a few of his teeth in. All said and done, I was seen for less than 10 minutes after waiting two hours. I texted Dano on the way back to the car that I wasn't coming to any more appointments. I can do everything they do at home myself, and not drive 25 minutes to be frustrated and told the same thing. They always just make me mad.

I mentioned in passing yesterday night that I was half-afraid that I was subconsciously keeping myself from going into labor because I didn't believe my body could do it. When we were going to bed, Dano suggested telling my body it was okay, that I believed it could do it. I said, "How am I supposed to tell it that when I don't believe it?" He said, "I tell myself I can do things I don't believe every day. The demons will always be there. It's just what you do."

At bedtime, I was tossing and turning, not sleeping, and poking Dano every few minutes if he'd start to grind his teeth in his sleep (the dentist messed up a tooth and it makes him grind them sometimes). I decided to meditate a little on my body, and believing in it. Something echoed in the back of my mind, someone saying that they pictured their body as a flower during birth - opening and unveiling a baby inside. That appealed to me for some reason. No one tells flowers when to bloom - they just know and they open.

I closed my eyes and blocked out everything else. I pictured a green stem with a bud on the end of it. I told my mind, "This is a flower. This flower is me." I thought, "Maybe it's a lotus, or a lily. Or a Lilah-flower. A Lilah-Rose." I giggled at myself for my dumb pun. I breathed deeply and pictured the brown outer-wrapping of the bud peeling back and falling away, and the green covering unfolding around the stem, leaving the naked petals exposed, but still closed tightly. I watched the petals shiver a little, then slowly open a little bit at a time, one by one, until you could almost look inside the flower itself, but not quite. The flower took a break, and then made the final transition from stubborn spring bud into open blossom. Inside, I pictured my baby curled up and sleeping inside a dew drop. Then I watched the petals shiver one last time, and the dew drop spilled over the side of the flower like too many drops of water balanced on top of a penny.

That was the last thing I remember before falling asleep, and most likely it was just a silly way of calming myself enough to get to sleep, but for some reason, I feel more peaceful about it. If the flowers were created to know when to open, and the birds always know when spring is here and it's time to fly North again, maybe my body will just know that it's time to give up what it's been hiding, and bring a baby out into the world.