Getting ready

My husband has to be one of the cutest there are out there (although I might be a little biased). He spent most of the day "getting ready" in case I go into labor soon. He asked if it would be okay to go get gas, in case I went into labor while he was gone. I keep assuring him that babies generally don't just fall out onto the floor. He suggested we take a "dry run" to see how long it takes us to get to the Marquette General (you know, the hospital next door to the university he attends daily). He packed, unpacked, and repacked my hospital back and added people to the "call list" that he thought would want to know about the baby (no matter how obscure the connection to the person). He also mentally went through our food inventory to see if there were snacks for me he could grab to bring to the hospital. Last, he gathered movies together that are "lighthearted" for me to watch and relax while I'm in labor there. I had to veto a few (Lucky #Slevin and the Boondock Saints to name a few) but most of his picks were good. He insisted on the Blues Brothers for reasons unknown to me. He just thought it was very appropriate. I'm just enjoying watching him get more fidgety and nervous with every contraction I have. It'll be an interesting labor. He's more nervous than I am.

Running away from home.

That was my last journal entry, so now everything is current and up to date! The past few days, I've been feeling very cheery and ambitious. I even did the dishes without having to bicker over it with my husband first (it's one of my least favorite chores. I figure, I cook it, he cleans it, everyone wins). And what's more, I enjoyed doing the dishes. Dano thought perhaps I was coming down with something or just feeling sorry for him for having a bad day. The truth was, I just wanted to be busy. I hate driving, and yet I drove myself to my meeting at work, and then decided to drive around Ishpeming (which took about seven minutes all together) and run some errands (another chore I hate doing solo. I know, I'm needy, but I get lonely!).

Today, I got hit with this incredibly restless feeling, like I can't stay inside my own skin. I literally wanted to strap my ridiculously large belly to Dano, get in the car with plenty of music and a full tank of gas, and drive west to the coast. I figured, I could just live a Bohemian lifestyle until getting on my feet there. Maybe it's just the pressure of knowing that my life is about to change drastically, and I'm adding yet another role to my already-crowded cast of characters.

At 21 years of age, I am a daughter (although that role has mostly been disbanded for awhile), an in-law, a wife, a nurse, a friend, a student (another one I'm taking a temporary break from), and soon, a mother as well. I know people older than I am who haven't started back to college yet. I'm not complaining. I have a good life, and a life I chose for myself. It's just starting to sink in that I'm about to be 100% responsible for keeping another person alive all the time. You'd think that wouldn't scare a nurse, right?

My doctor's appointment on Monday went well. My strep test was negative, so that means no IV during labor! Woohoo! The baby has officially dropped into position (2 inches in a week!). I told Dr. Hatfield I think she's trying to sneak out unnoticed. She looked got a funny smile on her face and said, "Oh, you'll notice," in a way that scared me a little. She also said she doesn't do episiotomies unless the baby is in real danger, but can't remember the last time she had to do one. That was exciting too. My vitals and Lilah's weight, position, and vitals have all remained, in her words, "perfect", and my weight gain has stopped at 16 pounds. She said I should be able to have the labor I want. That's a relief to me. I realize that I'll have very little control over the birthing process. I at least want the laboring part to be on my terms, not be dictated by the nurses or other staff. It'll put me at ease as much as I possibly can be at that point. And now, we wait.

Beginning of the end

12-16-2008

"Things are going well. I've been working lots, and we bought a new car so the baby would be safe. January is my month to start buying things. Lilah and I are both growing daily, but I don't look ugly like I thought I would. I just look pregnant. Lilah loves music, and some days she just won't sit still. I can't wait to see her and hold her. There's not much else happening here. Just a lot of getting ready."
2-2-2009

"I've been working nearly nonstop since I wrote last time. I've been feeling okay, just very worn out. I had a head cold a few weeks ago that went into my inner ears and made it so I would fall over ever if completely still. It was a mess.
I've gained about thirteen pounds since getting pregnant. Not too bad. We have all Lilah's clothes, furniture, and gear, other than a rocking chair. I'm planning on finishing the nursery setup and packing my hospital bag today, since I finally have a day off. I have a specific playlist on the iPod for Lilah, and another one for me for the delivery. I'm about as ready as I will ever be to have my first baby.
She's so much bigger and more active than she used to be. Right now, she's just moving around gently. Sometimes she kicks violently, sometimes she flips around to hear Dano's voice, and every once in awhile, she sleeps. She likes music and orange juice. She dislikes when I'm comfortable and hearing loud noises.
I'm very excited and nervous for her to be here, after all this time. I'm pretty sure I'll be awarded the new part-time posting at work, so I'll get to spend a lot of time with her over the summer. Dano's so excited, too. He calls her Squidlet now, because she moves around like a small squid in there. Bekah calls her 'Cali', short for calamari, because of that. Arturo didn't get the American phrase 'bun in the oven', so he's always asking how the 'cake is cooking'. She's got some messed up nicknames.
Her head is down, and there's so much pressure on my pelvis, it's hard to walk sometimes. My contractions are always irregular, meaning it isn't true labor, but they're getting more and more uncomfortable. Sometimes they're downright painful. I'm really hoping to go into labor naturally, but not to be overdue. It's a tall order for a first baby, but we'll see how it all works out here in a few weeks!"

More from the second trimester

11-17-2008

"Today went so well I can barely write. I started my new job and Dano quit his old crappy one. I'll finally be able to pay bills without worry and not stress about every little expense. Dano's been so amazing ever since I got pregnant. He's been going to a clinic and donating plasma twice a week for extra money, and working at a horrible job just so we could afford what we need Moving and school took so much money, we were basically broke when we got to Michigan. There was a delay in me getting a job because of some stupid paperwork setbacks, but I've never been more proud of my husband. I want my baby to know someday how much we struggled when I was carrying her, and how she has a daddy who would sell the blood out of his body to take care of us.
Lilah's been growing so much. Her kicks are getting more forceful. Dano's parents got a new dog, and he was standing next to me barking. Lilah startled and I could tell she was agitated. Their other dog, Izzy, is very protective of me because I'm pregnant and growls when anyone looks threatening. Dano talks to my stomach frequently and gives Lilah all sorts of good advice, like how to avoid becoming a brigand or a pirate. 'Never learn the difference between portside and starboard.' I'm sure she'll appreciate that someday. He said he's a little disappointed she doesn't kick more for him, though. She kicks for me all the time, sometimes violently. He must pick all the worst times to feel for her. I hope he can feel her soon. I don't want him to think his baby girl doesn't like him. I'm sure she loves him already. He's been so good to her and she doesn't even know it. He'd go all day without eating if it meant I wouldn't be hungry. I couldn't ask for a better lover and husband, and Lilah couldn't have picked a better daddy. I just hope she knows that someday.'

After the move

10-13-2008

"It's been a whole month! We moved to Michigan and we live in a lovely little house now. Dano's preparing to start school in January, and he begins wok in a few days at the local Ramada. I just got hired at Marquette County Medical Facility, a long-term type of place. I also have an interview at Marquette General, a local hospital, next week. They need an afternoon LPN for their Psych unit. Just today we got health coverage for me and the baby. Everything has really been coming together.
Speaking of the baby, it's been growing every day! I find out any day if I'm carrying a boy or a girl. My belly gets smoother and rounder all the time. It's absolutely amazing to watch every day. I feel a little flutter of movement every now and then.
My pregnancy has gone from being like a sickness to being this magic process that I feel so privileged to be a part of. The baby can even hear things outside the uterus now. I feel this growing tenderness blossoming for a child I've never met. It's incredible. Next time I write, hopefully it will be with news about the baby's sex! I can't wait to see its little face again on the screen."

10-30-2008

"It was only supposed to be a couple days, but as usual, it took a couple weeks. For my first appointment with Dr. Hatfield, the receptionist made an appointment for a day the doctor wasn't even there! The nurse got my history take down, but that's about it. I had to come back on Monday to see the doctor. I liked her when I met her. She's short, slender, in her 30's, with long black hair. She smells like Patchouli, so she reminds me of Dano's mom. She listened to the baby's heart, which was still in the 150's. My uterus was right at my belly button where it should be. She answered a few questions for me, like what I should do about my hips aching painfully at night. Turns out, there's not much I can do. She's going to be the baby's doctor too, so that's one less thing to worry about. She made an appointment for a fetal survey ultrasound for Thursday, which is today!
I'd been having strange dreams about the baby. Usually they're about the delivery or soon after, and I always see the same little girl baby with round, velvety cheeks, a cute little Elf nose, closed eyes with long, dark lashes, and downy, dark hair. Last night, I dreamed a doctor I didn't know tried to induce labor early and I threw a fit and wouldn't let him. It ended with me holding the baby after delivering her on my terms. It was a good decision in my dream.
In another dream, I was holding the baby and I called Dano over and said, 'Come hold your daughter'. It's weird, but I always see the same baby. It will be weird if the baby looks like my dreams. Almost eerie. But maybe it will be a small let down if it looks completely different. Who knows?
So today dragged on slowly until my appointment. My heart was racing and my bladder was full of water and juice, so I wasn't very comfortable. The sonographer, Mary, said Dano had to wait in the other room while I changed into a gown! I hadn't expected that. When I was done, I hopped up on the table and she squirted that warm junk on my belly. She said I must have been concave before I got pregnant, because there was such a tiny bump. I was immediately amazed by how much the baby had grown! It had the sweetest little face, with a tiny upturned nose just like Dano's.
Mary measured the heart, which was pumping strongly with all four chambers. She measured the spine, skull, and brain, which all ended where they were supposed to. I had been worried about spina bifida because I didn't take vitamins regularly, but she said the baby looked absolutely perfect. She saw the stomach and bladder, which were full from the baby swallowing amniotic fluid. The kidneys looked good, and the umbilical cord had all three vessels and inserted perfectly into the abdomen. She found both hands and feet and had to measure the femurs. The baby started to suck on its fingers, so we got a photo of that. Every time Mary looked at something in the lower body, I would look frantically for a penis. There was a photo taken of the profile, the baby holding out one finder and pointing, the mouth open, and a hand scratching the head. She checked to make sure the placenta was in a good spot. It's perfectly on top, right at the fundus.
After that, she checked the sex. The first time, she said, 'Nothing's popping out at me. If I were a betting woman, I'd say you're having a girl.' Of course I started to cry. She checked again and said she was 80% sure. The baby shifted a minute later, and she checked again and saw a little slit between the legs - a girl! I couldn't quit tearing up. She was so beautiful. I would have loved a little boy dearly, but I wanted a girl so badly. Not to dress up like a doll or make miserable, but to pass on all my American Girl Dolls to, to take girl trips to Chicago and take to the American Girl Place on her birthday, to shop with if she likes to shop, or just be for her the mother I always wanted - a mother on my terms. Somehow, having a daughter breaks the chain of so many years of poor motherhood. If I can just learn to be the mother she *needs* me to be, rather than the mother I *feel* like being, I'll heal years of dysfunctional mother-daughter relationships. It's a tall order, but I'd do anything to fulfill it.
Unless we change our minds, we're calling her Lilah Rose Alexander. Kelli and her family were thrilled. Kate cried because we're using her middle name. Kim screamed and can't wait to be 'Auntie Kim'. Even Larry was impressed it was a little girl. All my friends texted, emailed, or called back saying they knew it all along. We want to do the nursery in a garden-type theme. I looked at the cutest green dragonfly quilt. Now comes the fun part- buying stuff. :)"

Second trimester

9-9-2008

"Nothing new to report, really. My sickness is almost completely gone, other than being really sensitive to smells.
I've had lots of strange, vivid dreams this month. I'm out of school, finally, and every day I try to pack a little bit. Dano's leaving in the moving truck on the 21st, and I'm driving up on the 30th. I can't wait to be out of Nashville and back in Michigan!
The tiny hairs on my belly are a little darker, which can happen during pregnancy, but still it creeps me out. I think I look like a monkey. The hairs on my legs grow faster and darker too. It's gross, really. Crazy hormone changes.
We like the name Leila Rose for a little girl. Dano's got his heart set on spelling it 'Layla' like the Eric Clapton song. I actually didn't think of the song. I just love Persian names. It means 'dark-haired beauty'. Our baby will probably have dark hair, with brunette parents and grandparents. In an old poem, Leila was a moon-goddess in love with a man. It's a beautiful and tragic story. I love the name.
What if it's a boy? I keep dreaming it is, but my heart says it's not. We'll see in a few weeks, I guess! I have an appointment tomorrow. I'll try to write more then."

9-12-2008

"We've packed nearly the whole apartment already. I want to get this move over so badly. My belly seems like it rounds and softens a little every day, even though there's no bump visible. The midwife I saw yesterday was very encouraging. The baby's active and where it's supposed to be in my abdomen. Its heart rate is 156, which is perfect. It's so nice to hear the little 'pow-pow-pow' of its heart on the doppler next to my 'thump-thump'. She said she could feel the crown of the head. That's exciting. The exam wasn't fun and it hurt a little. I swear they took quarts of blood from me for my labs. I'm curious to see what my blood type and Rh factor is when the results are in. Only a week or two more til I can feel the baby flutter around in there. Only a few weeks after that til I find out the answer to the big question - boy or girl?"

First trimester

8-3-2008

"It's been ages since I've written. I've been too sick to write anything much. I only have about three weeks left of feeling awful. I just want to eat again. And I'm constantly worrying that all this sickness is hurting my baby. In other cultures, they call pregnancy being "sick with baby" I'm starting to see some truth in that.
I have an ultrasound next Monday, my very first. I'm very excited. Dano's going. I can't wait to see the baby in person. I'll get to see its heart beating and its tiny arms and legs squirming around maybe. I just want someone to look at him or her and tell me everything's fine, that I haven't hurt it by throwing up my prenatal vitamins and being so stressed out, that it isn't a molar or ectopic pregnancy that could hurt me and would have to be removed, that the baby isn't dead and just trapped inside. I'm so afraid of all those crazy, impossible things. A week from tomorrow, I'll have some answers. I'm always sending up tiny prayers, sometimes just a breath, 'God, protect my baby, no matter what.' I just want to hold it, look in its little face and see what we made, tell it 'I love you'.
At this point, the baby better be a girl, because Dano and I got the sweetest little sleeper and nightcap with stars and moons from Bekah, who swears it's a girl. A baby boy would hate us for making him wear a pink sleeper."

8-9-2008

"Well, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. She pretty much just said I'm pregnant, but I have an ultrasound on Thursday. I'm so excited to see my little baby. Dano and I are thinking about doing the nursery in suns, moons, and stars. That would work for a little boy or girl.
I've been feeling a little less sick, thank God. I thought I'd die for a few weeks there. I think the baby will have an unnatural love for Panic at the Disco. That's mostly all I listened to for the past few months. Dano would be furious :). That's all for now. I have to go make a grocery list."

8-17-2008

"It's Sunday and I meant to write yesterday but I was uncharacteristically sick. It's been gradually improving, thank God. There were a few weeks where I could barely force myself out of bed, and I'd be throwing up all day. But now, I've mostly learned to control it.
I had my first ultrasound on Thursday. I'll be silly and describe it in detail, since this is just for me and no one else will care. The Nurse Practitioner interviewed me alone because she didn't realize Dano and I were married. They only did an abdominal, which was a relief. They put this warm, jelly stuff on my belly and moved the little doppler around with the screen pointed away from me. They both had frowns on their faces, and I started to tear up. I was sure something was really wrong. The two nurses finally turned the screen toward me and said, 'There's your little one.' And I thought I'd really cry then.
It turns out they were just trying to measure my baby, but it was kicking and squirming too much. I saw its little heart, face, fingers, and toes, it just wiggled everywhere. I thought it must be the most beautiful baby ever. Dano was ridiculously excited. He thought it looked like him. Ann and Kelli were so thrilled. Larry and Luke didn't see the appeal. Seeing my baby changed my life."

Early pregnancy

7-10-2008

"Dano calls the baby a dinosaur, because it kind of looks like one, all weird and spiny. My stomach started getting tiny cramps, like before a period, but with no bleeding so it should be all right. I told Kelli yesterday. She was really happy and insightful. She said they'll come up to Marquette for the delivery. I guess we should start talking about what kind of practitioner we want, and what facility, and all that. Right now is nap time though. I'm too sleepy for anything else."

7-18-2008

"Two out of three of my good blue pens are out of ink, and the third is lost, so it's a regular pen today. The extreme tiredness has calmed down, some. As long as I get a decent night's sleep, I'm not seeming to need a nap during the day. Deidre brought me a bunch of prenatal vitamins and supplements, magazines, and books. She's been really sweet. Dano and I decided to find out the sex of the baby this time, but not next time. We don't want to tell anyone though. If you tell people, they get you crappy stuff like clothes or toys when all you really wanted were onesies and diapers. People are weird like that.
I'm a little impatient for the end of the first trimester. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm terrified everything I do will kill it. I love the baby so much already, I don't know if I could focus on school or anything if I lost it. Dano would take it really hard too. He already made up nicknames for it in various stages of development. 'Ethiopian baby' and 'Big head' are my favorites so far. Next, we move on from Dinosaur to the Alien stage. I just want to feel it move so I don't have to keep wondering 'are you okay in there?' I just want a healthy child."

The day my life changed

7-8-2008

"I haven't written anything like a journal in four years, and certainly nothing like this one. I guess I just want some record of this for later on. I'm a little off-track, so I'll start at the beginning.
I'm pregnant. I found out two days ago. It was a Sunday and Dano was at work. I'd been feeling weird - sleepy all the time, and my breasts hurt. Not just monthly hormone ache. They hurt sharply all the time. I went to Target for a pizza and some notebook paper, and picked up a pregnancy test. I was watching Juno and cooking my pizza when curiosity got the best of me and I took the test. As soon as I saw it was positive, I started shaking. It was like someone had kicked me. There was a person growing inside me. I thought I'd be so happy. Fear was the only thing I felt. What would Dano say? Would he be mad? What if we couldn't afford a baby? I don't know how to be a mother. I cried most of the day. Dano was mostly in shock. He calmly told his parents, who were very supportive. I figured out I'm about a month along.
The last two days have been crazy. I'm sleepy all the time, and I get hungry every two hours. I'm going to the gym tonight so I don't get huge early. My baby has a tiny, two-chambered heart and some blood, and its spinal cord is forming today. Dano's always checking my cups to keep me away from caffeine, and he went out of his way to get me a Caesar salad yesterday. He was the first to get really excited. 'If its already coming, we might as well want it and be happy.' So we're having a baby. I love it already."

That was easily the scariest day of my life. I had been so busy with school all year, and we finally got two weeks off from June 20th to July 7th. I got out of school on a Friday, and got pregnant on Saturday. I was a month along because they calculate your due date based on the first day of your last period. Dano blames the whole ordeal on a plaid skirt to this day. I have a feeling that the two of us not keeping close enough tabs on my ovulation calendar had much more to do with it.