Dark days

I started taking birth control again a month ago. I had tried before, and I had been very sick, no sex drive, headaches, and other problems. I talked with my doctor and said, "I don't want to puke or lose my sex drive. If you've got something for that, I'm willing to try it." He prescribed Yaz, which was supposed to be more mild than some of its predecessors. I decided to give it a try.

Within the first 3 days, I got the first yeast infection of my life, so I had to treat that. I got nauseated frequently but not to the point of vomiting. The vertigo got bad, and I had blood pressure fluctuation. I broke out badly and my already-frequent headaches were a daily companion. Within a week, I had gone from my usual outspoken self to downright antagonistic. Someone could say something that wouldn't normally bother me and instead of it not even being a blip on my radar, I would go off at them. In my head, I was thinking it was a good opportunity to speak my mind and tell people how I really felt and even if they were upset at first, it was just because I was being honest and they'd come to appreciate it in the long run. That's how it started anyway.

Within two weeks, I was just plain irritated. At everyone. Everything. I could have three days off and I'd return to work snapping and perturbed like I'd been there 6 days. My coworkers were taking notice. My staff was unimpressed with my irritability. My friend Melissa even said one night, "What is wrong with you? We're having a good night and you've still been nothing but crabby." I shrugged it off. "Just burnt out I guess."

By the third week, I was taking active steps to sabotage my closest friendships and nip any new relationships in the bud. I couldn't get off the couch. I cried at the drop of a hat. In my head, I was a constant victim but at the same time the sane part of me knew I was the root of the problem. We went to Zedd's soccer game and I got mad at Lilah for not wearing a hat. I looked at her and thought of how all the other kids looked clean and cute and she just looked rough and raggedy with her crazy hair and play clothes.

This photo was taken that day and I looked at it later and thought, "She's beautiful just like always! What was I thinking?!" I was good at masking it when people were around, primarily because then I was distracted from being alone with myself. But I hated being on my own because I knew something was wrong. I didn't feel like me anymore. I could recall the best memories of my life and they were oddly tainted by negativity. Pictures of me everyone complimented, I looked at in disgust. I weighed myself constantly, feeling like I was getting fat. Thoughts started creeping in my head that I was ruining everything I touched and my family would be better off without me, except for the fact they needed the income from my job to survive. I was staying up at night online to distract myself until I truly couldn't keep my eyes open anymore so I wouldn't have to lay in bed and think because my thoughts were starting to scare me.

Dano finally had a few talks with me after being my constant voice of reason for weeks. He wanted me to go off the pill. I agreed that was probably best. Even after three days of not taking the pill, I'm not all right. In fact, I feel like I'm getting worse. It just feels dark in my head. Dano is the only thing keeping me functioning, and that's only because he can talk me out of my moods where I think the world would be better off without me. I tried going to bed at a normal hour last night and we ended up arguing and I sobbed for an hour until I was exhausted. I'm not even sure what I said to him. I remember hearing breaks screeching on the highway and wondering what it would be like if it was me in the car. I want to get better. I want to feel normal and happy again. I don't know what else I can do. I feel like I'm drowning in my own head.

Nightmares

I just need to get this out.

Two days ago, I was under a lot of stress from work. They gave me an extra day off, then after my shift started, tried to call me in to cover for someone who didn't show up. I was worried they'd find a way to write me up as a no-call to keep from giving me my bonus in two weeks. I was also worried this would somehow affect my ability to transfer to my new facility - a stealth operation on my part that's been in the works for a month now.

That same day, Lilah had woken up on the wrong side of bed. She was just unpleasant from the time she opened her little blue eyes to the time she closed them that night. I spent my day off practically 100% with her. We played. Read stories. Ate snacks. Snuggled. She was even sitting on her customary stool in the kitchen while I made tacos for dinner. She would get down off my lap while we were reading stories to cross the living room, look straight at me, and smack my laptop (big no-no in this house). She would have 100% of her needs met and still emit a high-pitched whine. She terrorized the cat, yelled for no reason, tried to smack me with picture frames, and was just generally naughty. I tried everything and concluded she was just having an off day because of the stormy weather (changes in barometric pressure really affect my little one). There were many one-minute time outs, stern looks, and gritting my teeth and going about my business without making eye contact during the shrieky whines. I was exasperated at the end of the day and more than ready to put her to sleep for the night. I was counting down the hours until bedtime. I kissed her haphazardly, told her I loved her, and Dano took her upstairs. I breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed for the rest of the night.

Late that night, I fell into bed, mentally and physically exhausted. I had the most terrible nightmares I've ever had in my life. They won't get out of my head now, and I need an outlet. I don't want to talk about them because they're truly horrifying to me and I can't even think about or write them without crying, but I need to exorcise them in some way. I decided to write them out here.

 I was home and distraught. It wasn't our house now. It was an older, darker house with 70's wood paneled walls and shabby, scratchy furniture. There were sheets over the dim windows and dust everywhere. Work had fired me days before my bonus was due and denied my transfer. I had begged and pleaded. I told them I had a family, a small daughter to feed. They were my same administrative staff, only bigger, colder, and more powerful. They didn't even hear what I was saying, and said I should have thought about all this before taking an extra day off I wasn't entitled to. I had come home and put Lilah distractedly in the bathtub. I was talking to Dano in the kitchen, very upset, and asking him what we were going to do. I was going back and forth between the bathroom and the kitchen, but not paying attention to Lilah. I don't even remember seeing her in the tub while going back and forth between the rooms.  Finally Dano just said we'd figure something out and went into another room to lie down on the couch with his laptop. I went in with a towel to get Lilah out of the tub, and I knew instantly that she was dead. I don't remember much of this part of the dream. Just that I felt something break in my mind. Something that was everything good, my sanity, my happiness, my will to live. I called for Dano in a broken voice that wasn't mine. He blamed himself for distracting me and not watching her in the tub. His face was contorted in horror and he couldn't drag his eyes off her. He backed out of the room.  I remember holding her in my arms and feeling how heavy she was. I covered her and dried her off, thinking calmly that I was glad her eyes were closed so I wouldn't have to see the lack of light behind them. I took her upstairs and chose an outfit for her. I put a diaper on her and dressed her, combed her hair. I tucked her next to me on my bed and closed my eyes. I remember thinking that I was no mother. I was a murderess, and if God had any mercy in him, I'd never open my eyes again so I could be with her forever. I woke up from my nap because I felt something cold next to me. I knew what it was and held her tightly to me, tears spilling out of my eyes. The sick, dead feeling that had started in the pit of my soul was spreading to the rest of my body and I felt a panic rising. I just rocked my poor child and remembered every moment I could recall from the time I laid eyes on her for the first time. Hours went by. I had to pull myself away from her as I felt my sanity slipping more and more, but I didn't care. I stood up and something in me needed Dano. My feet felt leaden. I closed the door quietly so I wouldn't wake her and walked down the stairs into the room where Dano was lying on the couch. Facebook was open on his laptop, and he'd updated his status moments before. "She's really gone. She's never coming back and I always knew it would be my fault." He had a dull look in his eyes, and an empty bottle of pills next to him. I realized that I was about to lose the only other thing worth living for, and I collapsed on the floor next to him and laid my head in his lap. He folded his arms around me distractedly and almost resolutely, and something inside me was screaming. Screaming so loudly that it drowned out every other thought, emotion, and feeling. There was most certainly a hell, and I was in it. Suddenly I felt like I was rising from deep water, a familiar feeling while I'm dreaming and it always means my consciousness is rising to the surface. My dream-mind felt a swell of hope that none of this had been real and maybe I had hope of redemption after all. I waited. It always feels like a baptism. Whether the dream was good or bad, I feel like I'm leaving it behind for a new life in reality. I felt my body rise with my consciousness, and I opened my eyes to find myself sitting up and sobbing wildly. Dano woke abruptly and reached for me. I can't remember how I ended up in his arms, but he held me tightly and stroked my hair. I had a death-hold on his arms and just sobbed. "Honey, honey it's okay. It was a dream. Calm down. You're okay." Snapshots from my dream kept flooding my mind, like a unique kind of torture. He was shushing me, and I quieted for a moment and heard Lilah's soft, rhythmic breathing in the next room. The image of her lifeless body invaded my mind and I relapsed into hysterical tears again. "I can't get it out of my head. It won't get out of my head!" I was almost shouting at this point. I don't know how long it took him to get me calm enough to sleep, or if I just wore myself out. But I passed into a dreamless sleep for a few more hours.

In the morning, I walked downstairs and Dano looked at me as if he was trying to read from my face how much I remembered. He mentioned something about me having nightmares, and I nodded and burst into tears again. He held me and I tried to get myself under control. He got up to get me coffee and I reached for Lilah Rose. She crawled into my lap and nestled her head into my chest and I held her desperately. She reached for the Xbox controller Dano had set down, unpaused Mass Effect, and fired a few rounds at an unfortunate alien who happened to be standing too close to Commander Shepherd. I laughed and dried my tears. She was my crazy, sweet little baby. It was going to be all right.

 I've been afraid to sleep the last couple of nights. I keep pushing the dream out of my head, but it resurfaces and fear grips me again. I'm holding onto one of my favorite verses - "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." Dano says it was my stress from work taking over my mind, and guilt about being so frustrated with Lilah that day. I thought maybe by writing this out, it would take the power and horror out of it. Now I'm not sure that's true. Maybe only time can take the images and fear away, but in the meantime, I dread going to sleep at night and hold my husband and daughter tightly and often. I'm not sure what else I can do.

Cider Mill

Fall is here, and despite some warm afternoons here and there, it feels like it. The air has a crisp taste to it, and an edge of chilliness. The leaves on the trees are rimmed with light color and the plants have lost their summer green. Everything feels expectant. It's the beginning of my favorite time of year.

Lilah has been changing too. She's more of a real person every day. It takes me forever to go grocery shopping because she has to say hello to every person we encounter and point to things and ask, "What's that, Mama?" She's so curious and fun. She's still a little scared of dogs, but she warms up to certain dogs after awhile. As Dano says, "She likes the ideas of dogs. Just not dogs themselves."

Lilah hates when I leave the house to go to work now. I pick her up to give her a kiss goodbye and she wraps her arms around me tightly and looks at Dano. "Bye bye, Dada!" She screams when I hand her to him. She's my little buddy. On my days off, she goes everywhere with me.

Lilah and I went to the Birmingham Farmer's Market. I got both of us ready and picked her up. "Bye bye, Dada!" I smiled. She was right, this time.
"Yep. Bye bye, Dada. You're coming with Mama today." She smiled so big I couldn't see her eyeballs.
"Mama!"
It was a nice drive down Woodward into Downtown Birmingham. The Farmer's Market was outside with live music and lots of friendly people and produce stands. We wandered about for a bit before getting back into the car and driving to the Franklin Cider Mill. "Out, Mama!" said my backseat driver. I got her out and we explored the mill. There was a large stone room with a giant candy apple-red, wooden waterwheel. Lilah stood on the stone ledge and gripped the metal bars with her pudgy little hands. She liked the spray from the waterwheel on her face. I wanted some fresh cider for the house, so we went to search for it. We passed a stand selling huge footlong hotdogs and sausages. Lilah smelled them on the breeze and her head snapped sharply toward the stand and her eyes resembled saucers. The hotdogs and sausages were easily as big as her arm. "Hooooootdogs, Mama!" I laughed.
"We'll have hotdogs when we get home, my love." She watched them until they were out of sight. The store was set up like an old barn. She tried samples of various crackers, sausages, and cheeses before deciding she wanted all of them. I bought a brown paper bag filled with hot spiced donuts and a half-gallon of fresh cider. We went to the tent outside and bought Dano a caramel apple with nuts and a large jar of apple butter. I prefer pumpkin butter, but I was outvoted. My arms were getting full of our acquisitions and I nervously let Lilah walk holding my hand. She wanted none of this and tottered off on her own. That was exactly what I had feared. Thankfully I'm still faster. She had stopped on the wooden bridge over the river to hold the bars and look at the water.
"Duckies!" I held her hand firmly and we walked to the stone hedge by the river. I placed her on the edge and sat next to her. Her eyes lit up when I pulled a steaming donut out of the paper bag (now getting dark spots from the frying oil). I broke it in half and handed her a piece. She munched thoughtfully and we watched the ducks. Some other children were throwing bits of their donuts to the ducks to lure them closer. When a duck (or child) would approach, Lilah would pull back sharply and shield her donut.
"What does a duckie say?" I asked her.
"Uh, quack?" a little boy said judgmentally, raising his eyebrow and continuing to stalk a duck. Lilah said,
"Quack, quack, quack," between bites of her donut. We sat together awhile and made our way back to the car. It was a lovely little detour, and I'm thinking of making it a Fall tradition. When we got home, I gave Lilah a cup of diluted cider and set about putting ketchup on a hotdog for her. By the time I turned around to hand it to her, she was trying to catch her breath. She had gulped down the cider in less than a minute. Our doctor always had told us "Let her eat her fruits, not drink them," so she only gets juices once in a great while. Obviously, she considered it a special treat and sucked it down quickly before I could change my mind. I've got to be honest. That doesn't bode well for me later.