Lilah has been a blessing to our family for going on 5 weeks now. She has accomplished so many things. Obviously, I think she's extraordinary, but I've been told she's pretty advanced. She smiles all the time, and she tries to laugh. She has this weird, quiet sort of chuckle. She also tries to talk to us. If we hold her in front of us and talk to her, she smiles and opens her mouth, moves her tongue, and makes strange noises in reply. She always looks like she's very proud of herself, too. Lilah's main fault is a short temper (which she inherited from her mama) and intense jealousy of anyone near her who happens to be eating.
I've already noticed strange traditions we've started with her. Dano calls her Bean, Smiles McGee, Chubs McFace, and many other things. We all watch NCIS in the evenings. We have weird names for certain outfits of hers - the "chili pepper" outfit, "short-bus bunny" sleeper, and the "fluffy-puff marshmallow" suit. She tries to hold her head up, she can roll over, and if we put her on her stomach, she army crawls away. It's been a crazy month. She slept in her basket for two whole hours last night before demanding to be put back in bed with us. She's gone from being a few minutes old and just lying there all the time to having such a fun, crazy personality. We're planning on going to see "X-men Origins" in a week or so, to leave her with Dano's parents as a practice run for me going back to work. I'm scared to death to leave her alone without us, but I know it's necessary. As much as each new stage scares me and makes me miss my tiny little baby who needed me for everything (okay, so I admit to crying when she slept in her basket without crying to be held right away), I love each stage more than the last, and watching her grow these 5 weeks has been the most rewarding labor of love I've ever experienced. I can't wait to see the rest of it.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
"Are we old people?"
Adjusting to life with Lilah has been an ongoing process. She's a little bit of a mama's girl, which blows my mind. There are times when other people are holding her and she's crying, and I get ready to feed her, assuming she's hungry, and she stops as soon as I take her. She just looks at me with her huge, blue eyes, and that's all she wanted. She loves when I hold or cuddle or sing to her. I'm not trying to be all "poor me, my life sucks", but my relationship with my mother was far from close, and I don't ever remember a time when we were affectionate with each other. She would always say things like, "I'm just not a girly girl", or "I'm not the emotional one, Dad is". I remember the whole family watching Finding Neverland and bawling at the end, and me looking at my mother and having her say, "I don't get it." At the end of Ladder 49, she "comforted" us all by telling us it was just a movie, and not worth crying over. One of the few times I remember her hugging me was when I was leaving their house after a family intervention begging me not to get married. She cried too, and said nothing I could ever do or decide or say could change how much they loved me, and I'd always be welcome in their house. A week later, when I told her I hadn't changed my mind and was still getting married, she suddenly "wasn't comfortable" having me around the kids anymore, and that was the last time I saw the inside of their house. Any and all trust I had in a word she said was shot to Hell that day, and even if our relationship improves someday, I'll always feel like that hug, those tears, the promises were all a ruse to get her way.
So to have a little daughter who just likes being in my arms and staring at me is mind-boggling. I love her dearly, and I *am* an emotional girly girl who likes shopping and crying at sad movies and cuddling. It's just sometimes an effort to relate to her as a mother, even though our personalities are similar, because it's so foreign to me.
Our 3-mile walk outside yesterday was a success. She either slept in her stroller or looked around with interest the whole time. I overdid it a little and am paying for it today with really sore hips and legs, but I feel good, and we both got some good doses of Vitamin D (Lilah has a funny-looking hat line to prove it).
She's also gone from waking up around 3:00 AM to eat to 5:00 AM, which is more hours of uninterrupted sleep for mama! She doesn't cry when she wakes up. She either grunts and squirms around until she comes unswaddled and can roll around happily between parents, or she scoots over to me (I always sleep on my side facing her) and sucks on a breast through my shirt until I wake up to find those big blue eyes staring at me, and her open-mouthed like a baby bird with a mouthful of shirt. It's much better than waking up to a squalling infant. Her bedtime is between 11:00 and 11:30, so we always go to bed at a decent time these days. It makes me feel pretty old, but it's completely worth it to get a good night's sleep!
So to have a little daughter who just likes being in my arms and staring at me is mind-boggling. I love her dearly, and I *am* an emotional girly girl who likes shopping and crying at sad movies and cuddling. It's just sometimes an effort to relate to her as a mother, even though our personalities are similar, because it's so foreign to me.
Our 3-mile walk outside yesterday was a success. She either slept in her stroller or looked around with interest the whole time. I overdid it a little and am paying for it today with really sore hips and legs, but I feel good, and we both got some good doses of Vitamin D (Lilah has a funny-looking hat line to prove it).
She's also gone from waking up around 3:00 AM to eat to 5:00 AM, which is more hours of uninterrupted sleep for mama! She doesn't cry when she wakes up. She either grunts and squirms around until she comes unswaddled and can roll around happily between parents, or she scoots over to me (I always sleep on my side facing her) and sucks on a breast through my shirt until I wake up to find those big blue eyes staring at me, and her open-mouthed like a baby bird with a mouthful of shirt. It's much better than waking up to a squalling infant. Her bedtime is between 11:00 and 11:30, so we always go to bed at a decent time these days. It makes me feel pretty old, but it's completely worth it to get a good night's sleep!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Challenges
As many of you know, I spent quite a bit of time during the last few weeks of my pregnancy worrying about my milk-producing abilities. Out of the six kids my mother had, she wasn't able to nurse any of them for long. She didn't attempt it with the first handful, and when she tried it, her milk wasn't able to sustain a baby. They tested it, and I can't remember exactly what was wrong with it, but the baby would eat and eat and not get fat.
So when Lilah came out, my doctor helped me with the first nursing session, getting her latched right and sucking. I was told that she might only want to nurse for ten minutes or so, but that was okay. When she came back in about 45 minutes later, Lilah was still going at it and had switched to the other breast. Everyone was very impressed with her.
My milk came in about three days after giving birth, and I didn't have much engorgement to deal with. I mean, they swelled up and made it look like I'd visited Dr. 90210 for implants and was planning on stripping my way through college, but they never hurt like people had told me they would. Lilah was gaining weight, milk kept on coming, things were good.
About eight days in, I noticed a spot on the outsides of both nipples that looked raw, for lack of a better word. It burned a little when she'd latch on, but no big deal. As the days went on, the raw areas cracked and I'd cry every time she started nursing. I asked a few people for advice, and was told it was normal, would go away, and to grit my teeth and be patient.
A day or so later, it was so bad that I would literally cringe and tear up when she'd cry to be fed. Dano would sit by me and help me get her latched properly, and rub my shoulder or hold my hand while she ate ravenously and I cried. Finally on Sunday night, I asked him to call his sister for help. I couldn't do it anymore, and felt like a complete failure as a mother for it. Kim told us that my nipples had fissures, and it was important to rest them for a few days or they could get infected. Her friend Danielle asked to talk to me. She has a three month old, and had experienced the same thing. It was so nice to talk to someone who hadn't just been a naturally perfect food source right off the bat, not a seasoned mother who had already been there and succeeded. Dano went out at 10:00 that night and lowered himself by going to Wal-mart (he refuses to shop there, on principle) to get me a breast pump. I was able to pump about five oz right away.
I started bawling again when I saw her attack the bottle. I know my milk was probably being affected by the stress of how painful nursing was, and she wasn't latching right because of my nipples having those cracks, but to see my baby take food from something that wasn't me broke my heart. I had no idea how emotional nursing was for the mother, not just the baby.
It's been three days, and we're going to try nursing again as soon as she wakes up from her nap. Pumping has gone really well, but I still feel an actual ache inside when I'm holding her and she opens her mouth and turns toward my chest, and I have to give her a bottle instead. I know it's still my milk, but it's so different. She's been more clingy, too. She wants to touch my skin at all times. When she's sitting there sucking on her bottle and staring at me with those big, blueberry eyes, I feel so judged. I know it's just hormonal weirdness, but I'm imagining her thinking, "Why won't she feed me like she always does? Why do I have to take this weird thing instead?" and I feel like an awful mother.
Wish me luck, and prayers for healing would be great. I'll let you know how it goes.
Update: SUCCESS!
So when Lilah came out, my doctor helped me with the first nursing session, getting her latched right and sucking. I was told that she might only want to nurse for ten minutes or so, but that was okay. When she came back in about 45 minutes later, Lilah was still going at it and had switched to the other breast. Everyone was very impressed with her.
My milk came in about three days after giving birth, and I didn't have much engorgement to deal with. I mean, they swelled up and made it look like I'd visited Dr. 90210 for implants and was planning on stripping my way through college, but they never hurt like people had told me they would. Lilah was gaining weight, milk kept on coming, things were good.
About eight days in, I noticed a spot on the outsides of both nipples that looked raw, for lack of a better word. It burned a little when she'd latch on, but no big deal. As the days went on, the raw areas cracked and I'd cry every time she started nursing. I asked a few people for advice, and was told it was normal, would go away, and to grit my teeth and be patient.
A day or so later, it was so bad that I would literally cringe and tear up when she'd cry to be fed. Dano would sit by me and help me get her latched properly, and rub my shoulder or hold my hand while she ate ravenously and I cried. Finally on Sunday night, I asked him to call his sister for help. I couldn't do it anymore, and felt like a complete failure as a mother for it. Kim told us that my nipples had fissures, and it was important to rest them for a few days or they could get infected. Her friend Danielle asked to talk to me. She has a three month old, and had experienced the same thing. It was so nice to talk to someone who hadn't just been a naturally perfect food source right off the bat, not a seasoned mother who had already been there and succeeded. Dano went out at 10:00 that night and lowered himself by going to Wal-mart (he refuses to shop there, on principle) to get me a breast pump. I was able to pump about five oz right away.
I started bawling again when I saw her attack the bottle. I know my milk was probably being affected by the stress of how painful nursing was, and she wasn't latching right because of my nipples having those cracks, but to see my baby take food from something that wasn't me broke my heart. I had no idea how emotional nursing was for the mother, not just the baby.
It's been three days, and we're going to try nursing again as soon as she wakes up from her nap. Pumping has gone really well, but I still feel an actual ache inside when I'm holding her and she opens her mouth and turns toward my chest, and I have to give her a bottle instead. I know it's still my milk, but it's so different. She's been more clingy, too. She wants to touch my skin at all times. When she's sitting there sucking on her bottle and staring at me with those big, blueberry eyes, I feel so judged. I know it's just hormonal weirdness, but I'm imagining her thinking, "Why won't she feed me like she always does? Why do I have to take this weird thing instead?" and I feel like an awful mother.
Wish me luck, and prayers for healing would be great. I'll let you know how it goes.
Update: SUCCESS!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Adjustments
I hope no one takes this as complaining, because it's really anything but that. I have a baby who is incredibly easy-going, sweet, and agreeable. There are just some aspects to caring for even the easiest newborn that are challenging to say the least. I had always heard there's no harm in letting a baby cry for a few minutes if you know they're not hurt or in need of anything. Those "experts" obviously don't have any children. As soon as I hear so much as a whimper from Lilah, I'm jerked out of a dead sleep (usually to find she was just dreaming anyway). I read this week that the cry of an infant is genetically designed to agitate her parents, mostly the mother. I guess that's how even the stupidest parents have managed to keep children alive. We as mothers are engineered to do anything to quiet the cries of our babies.
In school, they told us something that made much more sense to me. Our OB instructor said comforting an infant immediately is not only all right, it's a good thing. By ignoring the cry and letting the baby "self-soothe", you're basically telling it to meet its own needs, and that can damage the trust it has in its parents. There are obvious exceptions, like colic, where you just can't do anything to meet the needs of the baby. But to let it sit there and cry can even hurt the parent-child trust relationship later on in life.
I just hate that, since she's so new to the world, Lilah can go from happy/content/sleeping to completely frantic in seconds. I know in my head that she's just not used to feeling like she needs anything, since she just came from an environment where all her needs were met without her knowing it. But to look at her poor little face when she's crying, especially when she's just made herself overly tired and is too upset to fall asleep, breaks my heart when I'm trying everything I know to make her happy again. I know it's a temporary phase, but it makes me feel like a horrible parent when I can't do anything for her.
On a lighter note, Dano and I had a semi-serious discussion about how we need to take a break from the Hazards of Love album before we wear it out and ruin it forever. Every day since the talk, he has either caught me sneaking it with the excuse "Lilah likes it", or I've gotten in the car and seen him surreptitiously taking it out of the cd player and inserting something else.
It doesn't help that the end track makes me cry *every* time I hear it. I'm well aware it's a silly story set to gorgeous music with well-written lyrics. William, the prince of a magical forest called the Taiga (ruled by a jealous queen who rescued him from death as an infant and gave him the power to shape-shift into a white fawn) falls in love with a river-daughter named Margaret. Their encounter ends in pregnancy. The queen is enraged and gets a murderer called the Rake to kidnap Margaret and take her across the river, thinking her son would be too scared to cross it. William frantically promises Annan Water, the river, his life if he's allowed to cross once. He rescues his love and attempts to cross back when he's reminded of his promise. As Annan Water comes to claim his life, William and Margaret exchange marriage vows and die together in the water. It sounds like a story you'd read to a little girl before bedtime. It is, really. Colin Meloy, the lead singer and writer for the Decemberists, has a passion for melodrama, tragic love, and drowning. For me, it's just impossible to listen to the hour-long musical tale and not be moved by the ending - " 'With this long last rush of air, we speak our vows and starry whispers.' When the waves came crashing down, he closed his eyes and softly kissed her." Dramatic, yes. Beautiful, absolutely.
The best part of it all - watching Lilah stare at me questioningly every time it makes me cry.
In school, they told us something that made much more sense to me. Our OB instructor said comforting an infant immediately is not only all right, it's a good thing. By ignoring the cry and letting the baby "self-soothe", you're basically telling it to meet its own needs, and that can damage the trust it has in its parents. There are obvious exceptions, like colic, where you just can't do anything to meet the needs of the baby. But to let it sit there and cry can even hurt the parent-child trust relationship later on in life.
I just hate that, since she's so new to the world, Lilah can go from happy/content/sleeping to completely frantic in seconds. I know in my head that she's just not used to feeling like she needs anything, since she just came from an environment where all her needs were met without her knowing it. But to look at her poor little face when she's crying, especially when she's just made herself overly tired and is too upset to fall asleep, breaks my heart when I'm trying everything I know to make her happy again. I know it's a temporary phase, but it makes me feel like a horrible parent when I can't do anything for her.
On a lighter note, Dano and I had a semi-serious discussion about how we need to take a break from the Hazards of Love album before we wear it out and ruin it forever. Every day since the talk, he has either caught me sneaking it with the excuse "Lilah likes it", or I've gotten in the car and seen him surreptitiously taking it out of the cd player and inserting something else.
It doesn't help that the end track makes me cry *every* time I hear it. I'm well aware it's a silly story set to gorgeous music with well-written lyrics. William, the prince of a magical forest called the Taiga (ruled by a jealous queen who rescued him from death as an infant and gave him the power to shape-shift into a white fawn) falls in love with a river-daughter named Margaret. Their encounter ends in pregnancy. The queen is enraged and gets a murderer called the Rake to kidnap Margaret and take her across the river, thinking her son would be too scared to cross it. William frantically promises Annan Water, the river, his life if he's allowed to cross once. He rescues his love and attempts to cross back when he's reminded of his promise. As Annan Water comes to claim his life, William and Margaret exchange marriage vows and die together in the water. It sounds like a story you'd read to a little girl before bedtime. It is, really. Colin Meloy, the lead singer and writer for the Decemberists, has a passion for melodrama, tragic love, and drowning. For me, it's just impossible to listen to the hour-long musical tale and not be moved by the ending - " 'With this long last rush of air, we speak our vows and starry whispers.' When the waves came crashing down, he closed his eyes and softly kissed her." Dramatic, yes. Beautiful, absolutely.
The best part of it all - watching Lilah stare at me questioningly every time it makes me cry.
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