This won't be a long post. It's just something I need to get out.
I kept Lilah up far too late past her bedtime tonight, and in response, she started to get naughty. We were snuggling and watching Peter Pan. She kissed my face, then bit my cheek (lightly, but we don't tolerate any biting) and laughed. She got her warning. She played "Got your nose" and pinched my nose, then pinched my cheek hard. I picked her up and set her down firmly on the floor.
"Since you're being mean to me, I don't want to snuggle with you anymore. No one wants to snuggle with mean little girls." Her face contorted in a sequence of emotional masks - hurt, anger, confusion. She hit herself on the knee and watched for my reaction. I kept watching the movie, not wanting to give her any attention for the negative reaction. She hit the couch several times (which I am fine with. I've had to beat some pillows before in my life). I made eye contact with her and she approached the couch. I told her no. She picked up her teddy bear (who had been watching Peter Pan with us) and threw him on the floor.
"You can't lay with me," she shouted at the bear. Her eyes filled with tears and she ran to him, cradling him and rocking him. "Sorry. I'm sorry." My eyes filled up, and Dano came to put her to bed. She had forgotten her tantrum and her punishment by then (only moments later. Oh, the joys of being 2 1/2). She told me she loved me and said, "Sweet dreams!"
Being an emotionally trying time of month for me hormonally speaking, I proceeded to bite my lower lip and choke back the tears that had been backing up my lachrymal glands. Dano came back down and knew something was wrong. He stroked my back while I cried. I felt terrible for being the cause of Lilah's negative emotions, even though I knew it was most important that she suffer natural consequences for her actions. Aggressive behavior wasn't even slightly tolerated in the house, and no one wants to be around a little girl who's mean. I felt miserably unhappy for having witnessed her acting out her hurt feelings on her bear. It seems stupid to most, I'm sure.
I wondered how many other mothers had cried alone after making a decision that hurt their child. Knowing it was best for her was literally zero comfort. It only kept me from changing my mind. I wanted to write it out, not to make me feel better, but to somehow assuage my guilt. Maybe someday when she was older and I'd hurt her feelings with another unpopular decision, she'd read this and know that it hurt me as much or more.
Oddly enough, I wondered about a benevolent Creator. To create life with freewill seemed the most beautiful curse you could possibly bestow. Why in the world would He need to punish us Himself when natural consequences were so painful to watch if you loved the lives you created. Who needs damnation to hell when your children were suffering and dying by their own hands. I don't know how God isn't driven insane by grief. As for me, my tears were spent after just a few minutes and I settled in to watch Westerns with Dano. Lilah was peacefully asleep with her bear and doll. I breathed a silent prayer that no matter how many hurtful decisions I had ahead of me, Lilah would always know that they hurt me too.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
'Nake's new home
Lilah and I went to the Detroit Zoo because their 17 year old python had been built a lovely new home. I told Lilah about it after we got our Zoo newsletter, and she wanted to see it, as well as visit the fish their (having recently been denied a trip to the aquarium because we won't have time near New Year's). She has trouble saying "S" blends, so it was hard not to giggle when she kept asking to go see the 'nake.
I had a half-day yesterday, so I came home at lunch time. As soon as she was up from her nap, I asked her if she wanted to go to the zoo. She clasped her hands, jumped up and down, and said, "Yes! Yes I do want to go to the zoo!" Then she ran to get her rain boots.
Sans rain boots, we arrived at the zoo. I had two shirts, a sweater, and my pea-coat. Lilah had a tunic, leggings, a sweater, and a jacket. I hoped we'd be warm enough. It was 39 and sunny, but there was a winter chill in the air when the wind blew. We parked and fastened Lilah into the stroller (her clapping and wiggling the entire time, complete with sound effects. "Wiggle, wiggle! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle!"). The woman at the members gate was more astute than usual, checking not only my member card but my ID as well, and giving Lilah a visual once-over in case she...didn't look like a Lilah?
We went through the Butterfly House first. All of the elderly guides were bored with nothing to do, so they made over the baby and explained the butterfly life-cycle ad nauseum. There were owl butterflies nearly the size of Lilah's head. She didn't appreciate those very much. "I don't want them to wave at me!" whenever they'd open their wings.
We moved along to the Bird House. She saw a few parrots and watched them preen. She walked happily along the path, until I finally got her to look up into the canopy. She gasped. There were so many birds. Nearly 10 bright pink tropical birds with long beaks staring down at her with bright black eyes and craning their long necks closer.
We headed on to the otters next. There was one out chasing minnows. A dad was texting on the steps of the habitat while his two twin boys wreaked havoc. There is a station where you can push one of several buttons and it will play the noise of the corresponding animal. The boys were fighting and crying over who got to push the buttons. Eventually one boy came over to watch the otter. I made eye contact with the father, who shrugged and looked harried. "No naps today." I smiled weakly.
"Yeah, I here ya." Lilah narrated the otter's every activity happily between talking to him and asking how he was feeling about his snack of minnows. She asked if she could push one of the animal buttons. The little snot of a twin shouted in a whiny tone, "NO!" and brandished a stick at Lilah, baring his teeth. I took a deep breath.
"You can play with the buttons on our way out, my love. Let's watch the otter swim." Nearly 20 minutes later, we wrapped up with the otter and Lilah asked again to push an animal button. Both twins threw their entire bodies to cover the buttons. I looked at the dad and raised my eyebrows as a cue for him to get off his ass and handle his boys. He sighed wearily and walked over, stating in a bored tone, "Boys, be nice." The teeth-boy swung his stick again, coming too close to Lilah, so I relieved him of it and tossed it on the ground out of reach. He whined in the general direction of his dad, then swung at Lilah who was attempting to press a button while he was distracted. She took two big steps back and looked at me.
"He can't push, it's naughty."
"Yes, love. You're right." The father looked sheepish.
"They're going through an aggressive stage," he explained lamely as the boys threw their bodies over the station to prevent Lilah from having a turn. I picked Lilah up and moved on of the boys' arms neatly to the side so Lilah could have a turn while the boy collapsed into shrieks of rage. After Lilah pushed one button, the dad stroked the screaming boy's head and praised him for sharing. I tossed him a look of disgust and total parental judgement and thanked Lilah for being such a good girl. We left them and moved on to the reptiles.
The snake was very much enjoying her new home. The venomous snakes were very active, while the more friendly varieties were sleepier. We finished up just as the zoo was closing and packed up to go home. I buckled Lilah in to her car seat and she chattered happily about her visit to the animals. "My Mama took me to the zoo. I saw the animals. I'm a lucky girl." It was hard not to tear up. She was (barring her bad moods and days) so loving and well-behaved. Nothing pleased me more than making her happy, but she still wasn't able to get away with murder just because she had the capability of throwing a fit and making things unpleasant. In fact, that was all the more reason for us to continue to be strict with our expectations of the child. The more she got away with, the more she'd push the limits and rules and make our lives hell. The more firmly in place the boundaries are, the more comfortable she'll be in her world. And clearly we're doing something right.
I had a half-day yesterday, so I came home at lunch time. As soon as she was up from her nap, I asked her if she wanted to go to the zoo. She clasped her hands, jumped up and down, and said, "Yes! Yes I do want to go to the zoo!" Then she ran to get her rain boots.
Sans rain boots, we arrived at the zoo. I had two shirts, a sweater, and my pea-coat. Lilah had a tunic, leggings, a sweater, and a jacket. I hoped we'd be warm enough. It was 39 and sunny, but there was a winter chill in the air when the wind blew. We parked and fastened Lilah into the stroller (her clapping and wiggling the entire time, complete with sound effects. "Wiggle, wiggle! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle!"). The woman at the members gate was more astute than usual, checking not only my member card but my ID as well, and giving Lilah a visual once-over in case she...didn't look like a Lilah?
We went through the Butterfly House first. All of the elderly guides were bored with nothing to do, so they made over the baby and explained the butterfly life-cycle ad nauseum. There were owl butterflies nearly the size of Lilah's head. She didn't appreciate those very much. "I don't want them to wave at me!" whenever they'd open their wings.
We moved along to the Bird House. She saw a few parrots and watched them preen. She walked happily along the path, until I finally got her to look up into the canopy. She gasped. There were so many birds. Nearly 10 bright pink tropical birds with long beaks staring down at her with bright black eyes and craning their long necks closer.
We headed on to the otters next. There was one out chasing minnows. A dad was texting on the steps of the habitat while his two twin boys wreaked havoc. There is a station where you can push one of several buttons and it will play the noise of the corresponding animal. The boys were fighting and crying over who got to push the buttons. Eventually one boy came over to watch the otter. I made eye contact with the father, who shrugged and looked harried. "No naps today." I smiled weakly.
"Yeah, I here ya." Lilah narrated the otter's every activity happily between talking to him and asking how he was feeling about his snack of minnows. She asked if she could push one of the animal buttons. The little snot of a twin shouted in a whiny tone, "NO!" and brandished a stick at Lilah, baring his teeth. I took a deep breath.
"You can play with the buttons on our way out, my love. Let's watch the otter swim." Nearly 20 minutes later, we wrapped up with the otter and Lilah asked again to push an animal button. Both twins threw their entire bodies to cover the buttons. I looked at the dad and raised my eyebrows as a cue for him to get off his ass and handle his boys. He sighed wearily and walked over, stating in a bored tone, "Boys, be nice." The teeth-boy swung his stick again, coming too close to Lilah, so I relieved him of it and tossed it on the ground out of reach. He whined in the general direction of his dad, then swung at Lilah who was attempting to press a button while he was distracted. She took two big steps back and looked at me.
"He can't push, it's naughty."
"Yes, love. You're right." The father looked sheepish.
"They're going through an aggressive stage," he explained lamely as the boys threw their bodies over the station to prevent Lilah from having a turn. I picked Lilah up and moved on of the boys' arms neatly to the side so Lilah could have a turn while the boy collapsed into shrieks of rage. After Lilah pushed one button, the dad stroked the screaming boy's head and praised him for sharing. I tossed him a look of disgust and total parental judgement and thanked Lilah for being such a good girl. We left them and moved on to the reptiles.
The snake was very much enjoying her new home. The venomous snakes were very active, while the more friendly varieties were sleepier. We finished up just as the zoo was closing and packed up to go home. I buckled Lilah in to her car seat and she chattered happily about her visit to the animals. "My Mama took me to the zoo. I saw the animals. I'm a lucky girl." It was hard not to tear up. She was (barring her bad moods and days) so loving and well-behaved. Nothing pleased me more than making her happy, but she still wasn't able to get away with murder just because she had the capability of throwing a fit and making things unpleasant. In fact, that was all the more reason for us to continue to be strict with our expectations of the child. The more she got away with, the more she'd push the limits and rules and make our lives hell. The more firmly in place the boundaries are, the more comfortable she'll be in her world. And clearly we're doing something right.
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