Story Hour

Tonight, I had a brilliant idea. I'd ask a friend to pick us up, and go to Royal Oak with Dano at 6. Barnes and Noble was down the street from the college and they had story hour at 6:30. Half an hour of train table, an hour of stories, crafts, and a snack, then home in time for bed.

We walked from the parking garage to Barnes and Noble hand in hand on a beautiful Fall evening. Lilah Rose played at the train table wonderfully, interacting well with the other kids. Most were younger than she was. Everyone shared, used manners, and said "excuse me" when bumped. There was an adorable little bilingual girl with dark brown eyes and hair. From the navy satin headband to the silver pacifier holder to the patent leather navy shoes, her outfit was designer and easily cost over 70 dollars. She looked like a doll and bobbed her head and spouted adorable little Spanish phrases. Her parents were equally beautiful and beamed proudly from the corner. They asked Lilah her named and she said, "Lilah Rose Marie. What's her name?" They told her it was Amelia. "AMELIA POND?!"

When story hour started, I noticed that the sweet, college-age hippie girl who used to run them had been replaced with a 50 year old version after a life of hard knocks. Same long hair and floral skirts, but grim expression and little patience in place of warm smile and easy manner with children. All the kids got settled on their tiny benches. I told Lilah the rules - listen to story, don't move around or bother people, don't get on the stage, do a craft, and have a snack. Or go home. There were three blonde, curly haired sisters who looked to be about 7, 5, and 2. The older two sat down on Lilah's bench. Her face lit up. "They want to be my friend!"

The mother bent over them and said, "Make room for your sister." They scooted until Lilah was displaced from the bench. She tried to find a spot, then made do with pulling a spare bench close to her new "friends". They looked at each other and sighed, moving to the floor. Away from Lilah. She told me her friends were moving so she needed to move too. She sat by them. They moved to a bench across the floor. She sat with them. They moved to the floor close to the teacher. I had already instructed Lilah she wasn't to go over there. She looked over at me.
"Can I sit with them over there?" I shook my head. She fussed at me. "Why? Please?" I looked over at the girls. They were grabbing the book out of the teacher's hand so they could see the pictures better.
"They're being naughty, sweetie."
"Will their mama put them in time out?" I looked. Their mother was cooing over how sweet they looked and taking pictures on her iPhone.
"She should. But your mama will put you in time out if you don't listen." She fussed, but returned to the bench. She made several more attempts to sit by/play with the two girls. They moved and even rolled their eyes a few times. One of the other mothers with twin daughters scoffed and watched wide-eyed as they continued to be mean to Lilah and act like brats during the story.

After the teacher read 2 she asked, "Craft or another story?" Every child shouted for craft. "Well...craft time is later. We have time for another story." All the kids were fidgety by the time the final story was done. She passed out the craft - paper scarecrow pieces and a glue stick to hold them together, then glue straw to the hat at the end. I tried not to judge a craft with a skill level far beyond the mostly 1-2 year group present. The older kids swarmed to the front of the line. Lilah was pushed to the back next to a pudgy 6 month old who was way more interested in how her toes tasted than making a scarecrow. Lilah looked up at me.
"Wait until those kids move, then we'll get your pieces to make a scarecrow."
"Can I use a glue stick?"
"Yes." She played with the baby until the herd cleared, then made her way to the front again. She was ignored by the teacher who looked obviously overwhelmed. Lilah looked around her, and picked up a discarded glue stick from the floor, then pushed a little closer to the front, smiling at the teacher. She was given a handful of straw. Lilah came back and sat on the bench, trying to make sense of what to do with straw and a glue stick. She looked at all the other colorful scarecrows the other kids were making, and put glue on the straw. Having nothing else to do, she set both aside and said, "Can I go play trains again, Mama?" I was angry. I wasn't sure what exactly I was angry at. Maybe that my unassuming, friendly daughter had been shoved aside multiple times by multiple people. Maybe that I wasn't the best mother in the world, but I was trying to teach my daughter to be considerate and conscientious of the children around her - how they were feeling when she was too loud for them to hear the story - when no one else seemed to teach their kids the same values. When did empathy become outdated? I led her down the escalator with clenched fists.

I told the story quietly to Rob when he picked us up. Lilah had told me she had fun, so I didn't want to taint her good time with my anger. She was too young to understand those girls were being mean. Too young to realize she'd been cheated out of a craft as a reward for being patient and unwilling to push to the front. I took her to Easy Like Sundae, more out of my own determination she should be rewarded than because she needed it. I thought about all the times I can remember Dano cheerfully telling me to "take the high road" when I knew we were being walked on or taken advantage of. "Karma's a bitch, Aranel." It's always easier for him than for me. If I barely manage to do it myself, how am I going to handle "do unto others" when it's my kid getting slighted?

At home while getting pajamas on, Lilah Rose snuggled in my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Thank you for story time and the bookstore, Mama." I made a noise like a choked bird and teared up. "What's wrong, Mother? Are you sad." I swallowed my tears and shook my head.
"No, honey. I'm really glad you had a good time. You were really good, and listened to Mama. That means I'll really want to take you back again next time."
"Some girls didn't listen to their mama. Some girls were naughty."
"You're right. But even when other kids don't listen, it's important that you do. Even if they do naughty things. That doesn't mean Lilah Rose does them. You always try to be a good girl."
"Why didn't they get a time out? I should put them in time out." I sighed. She's so much like me. Always looking for justice at the expense of my own peace of mind. Dano always tells me to spend less time worrying about the rest of the world and only worry about the family. They're not our business.
"You know honey, it's not our job to give them a time out. That's their mama's job and we don't need to worry about it. All we need to worry about is you..." I poked her nose. "And me..." She poked my nose. "If we're good and listen and do what we know is right, then good things will happen to us."
"And I'll get to go to story time again because I listened. And play with the trains!"
"Exactly right. So don't worry about naughty kids. Just worry about you being the best girl you can be."
"I'm grand!" And she is. I so worry for her. I worry the world will eat my sweet girl alive. But I have to reassure myself that in addition to the sweetness, there's a fierce spirit in her that won't put up with any abuse. She will be the one sticking up for the kid who's teased, not joining in on the bullying. I think about my nephews. At their absolute worst, they would never do to a younger child what those girls did to Lilah. There are plenty of great kids as well as the terrible. And the good ones will change the world for the better.

DIY

I had completely forgotten about the DIY Street Fair until the day before. Last year, we walked there on a Friday evening, listened to some bands, and walked back. This year, I decided to look at what the kid area had to offer and was astounded. Free admission and free activities all weekend for kids. How did I miss this last year?

I told Lilah the night before that we would go the the fair the next day.
"The fair? To do what?"
"Well, I was looking at all the things we can do. The DIA has a craft tent. And there's face painting. And you can make your own snack to eat. And there will be music and games and good things to eat. And there will be a tent with different animals. Toads and a tarantula and...kestrels!" She knew all about kestrels from Doctor Who.
"Kestrels! Love a kestrel!" Apparently the kestrels sealed the deal.

She talked about the fair all through breakfast. We cleaned up and I walked down with her. Dano stayed to mow the lawn and meet us later for lunch. She chattered the entire way there. "Look, a girl! What's her name? Oh! A dog! What's he doing?" It was a long mile. When we got there, we made our way through the midway and weaved through all the vendors to get to the library courtyard that housed the kid area. Lilah Rose made it very clear that before anything else, she needed to make some art.

At the DIA tent, the volunteers gave her the usual brown paper bag with a sticker to carry her art, and instructions and supplies to make heraldry symbols. I cut out a shield-looking shape and she colored a flower, an L, and some random squiggles in pink, green, and purple. I asked her several times if she was finished when I noticed her staring off into space. She would just sigh heavily. "Mom. I'm just thinking. About art." My mistake, clearly.

When she was finished, we went to the music tent where an assortment of instruments were set up to play. Lilah ignored the drums and guitars and as usual, went straight for the piano. After making some feigned adjustments to the settings, she played the keyboard happily while a line formed behind her of other children who wanted a go at it. When mothers started to tap their toes impatiently, I told Lilah her turn was over and removed her from the keyboard. She proceeded to lie down in the grass and sob. I patted her back and told her other kids wanted to play, and she could play again later. She wailed louder.  "Well honey, I'm going to go have a snack. I'll catch up with you later." I walked away. She sobbed and followed me.

She forgot her heartbreak when we got the Whole Foods tent. They handed her a tattoo of a grape wearing a rocket pack, a ziplock, a sticker, and a spoon. She chose dried apples, peaches, mangoes, and strawberries, pumpkin seeds, and yogurt-covered raisins. We sat on a stone bench to eat the concoction. A band started to play, and there was a rush of children to the stage like screaming girls to a Bieber concert. There were bins full of bells, shakers, and rainsticks. Lilah asked if she could go and I waved her on. After a careful selection process, she chose the best shaker possible. She called loudly from the stage. "Mother. Mother! Motheeeeeer!"
"WHAT?!"
"Is this a good one?"
"Yes. It's the best shaker I've ever seen."
"Should I shake it like a polar bear?" She's heard the Outkast song "Hey Ya". Where it says "Shake it like a polaroid", she thinks it says, "Shake it like a polar bear". We just go with it.
"Yes, darling. You should shake it like a polar bear." And she shook it. For an hour. An hour. I asked her several times if she'd like to go, tempting her with treats, food carts, and kestrels. I was finally able to drag her away with rumors of an ice cream tent somewhere.

We met Dano and Rob at the rock climbing wall. Lilah was a good 20lbs too light to attempt it, I informed her.
"That's okay. I don't want to climb it. I would be too scaried." We got Dano and Lilah sliders, fries, and Faygos from the Emory/WAB tent. I wavered heavily at the Howe's Bayou tent, lusting after blackened catfish and jambalaya. I decided on the taco truck instead, nabbing a burrito as long as my arm and a lemonade for Lilah. After eating, we walked around awhile. I took her to the animal tent where she watched caterpillars and cockroaches, pet a tarantula, and was completely taken with a screech owl. She watched for 20 minutes as it yawned, turned its head, and screeched a few times. The keeper mentioned having kestrels and an assortment of raptors and eagles the next day. "So we'll come back tomorrow to see kestrels." I didn't correct her. Instead, we scored owl and newt tattoos.

Lilah worked on an ice cream from Treat Dreams while we watched a local reggae band perform. She bopped along happily. An officer at the Ferndale Police tent gave her a package of crayons, two coloring books, and a fistful of badge stickers. She pet horses named Guinness and Asher. Guinness really liked her (or the ice cream all over her hands and shirt) and nudged her affectionately. We walked an exhausted, sticky, happy child home. Lilah had a dry pull-up and peed on the potty when we got home. Sleepy-eyed and covered in police badge stickers, she took a long nap and woke up in a fantastic mood. At the moment, she is having tattoos lovingly applied by her dad and eating a homemade bagel. Anyone with kids should hit up this festival next year (lots of adult events in the evenings as well). One of the many reasons I love raising a family in Fabulous Ferndale.

At a loss

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Dano headed back to class, which is always hard on Lilah Rose. Since we were put on this earth to attend her needs, wait on her hand and foot, entertain, feed, clothe, and nurture her, we have no business pursuing higher education. Last semester, she started slapping me for no reason. We nipped that in the bud pretty quickly and emerged victorious. This year was different.

We noticed gradually that Lilah had gone from 99% potty trained (with the occasional overnight accident) to wetting her pants frequently. Being the nurse that I am, I took a urine sample in to work and dipped it. It looked just fine. Accident upon accident. Laundry load after load. We tried everything. We make Lilah clean it up, take off her wet clothes, and put new clothes on. The doctors stressed the importance of making her take responsibility for the accident. We put her on the toilet frequently. She just smiled and chirped, "I'm done!" before hopping off 3 seconds later. More accidents. We were running out of clothes, towels, detergent, and patience. Mostly Dano. She didn't do it as much when I was home in the evenings. A coworker suggested taking her potty every half hour, to "catch" her before she got too engaged in playing and forgot to go. Dano did it religiously. Lilah revolted against being interrupted every 30 minutes to waste time on the toilet. "I just went!" On one of the 30-minute mornings, Lilah peed on the floor at the 15 minute mark. Dano is a saint for not losing it. One night I went in the bathroom to take a phone call, and when I came out, she was standing there, grinning.
"Her hands are dirty."
"Whose hands?"
"Eloise." Eloise is her doll.
"Why are her hands dirty?"
"Because I peed on them." And she had. She had taken her pants off to pee on her doll. I honestly thought about slapping her. She went through the drill of cleaning up, and I put everything (and Eloise) into the washer. She cried because it was dark in there and Eloise might be scared. I told her if she was scared, it was Lilah's fault. She cried harder. I took it a step further and told her if she ever peed on a doll again I'd give it away to her cousins forever. She sobbed. I felt no remorse. But at the same time, I felt out of control. Like a terrible mother. What kind of kid pees on toys and floors? Dirty kids. The oppressed and abused kids. Handicapped kids. Not mine.

I called the head nurse, who has successfully raised 3 children into adulthood and none of them are still having accidents. She mildly suggested it was a behavior issue. I scoffed a bit. "Well, what goes into her body and when it comes out, that's all she has control over in her world. And what can you do to stop her? Just totally ignore it and leave her alone. The more you push it, the more she'll push back." I had a hard time believing my 3 year old child could be that manipulative, but I suggested it to Dano. The very next day she was still having accidents and he was still frustrated and losing his mind. Lilah's pediatrician came to ask me to do something for her, and I broached the subject.

"We're having a behavior problem."
"You? At home? Oh boy." I gave her the rundown of the past week, her laughing the entire time. "Well, she has you guys pretty much figured out. She's so clever. What you have to remember is, she's craftier than both of you. This is all about control, and right now she has it all." I realized how emotional Dano and Lilah would get at each other over it all and knew she was right. He had said earlier that day he'd never been more frustrated with her.
"So what should we do?"
"Do nothing. Put her back in a pull-up and when you're all three calm, tell her that you realize she's not ready to be a big girl and go on the potty and that's just fine. She can wear a pull-up until she's actually ready to be a big girl. And let it go. Don't talk about it. Don't do anything. Just leave it. 90% of the time, that solves the problem. The only time it doesn't is when the child is school-aged and the schools won't let them do that." I called Dano on lunch and talked to him. "You know, come to think of it, the time she peed on the floor 15 minutes after I took her to the  toilet, it was a few seconds after I told her she couldn't watch another episode of the Munsters." I facepalmed in the middle of the lunch room. Seriously? I had dedicated the past 4 years of my life to growing and nurturing this tiny life, giving it the best of me and her father, all so she could try to weasel her way into an additional episode of the fucking Munsters by peeing on the floor?

Dano put Lilah Rose in a pull-up and we put it all on the back burner. I came home that night and asked Dano how it had gone. Guess who had taken herself to the bathroom the entire day, taking her pull-up off to pee on the potty? Lilah Rose Marie.

Just some things

I've been noticing lately that Lilah is growing more social. For anyone who has been around her, it may seem obvious because she's been an endless string of chatter for 2 years. It seems different now, though. She really engages with people and has blossomed into a social butterfly. She is incredibly observant of the world and people around her and seems to be at ease in every situation.

We were at Found Sound, Ferndale's newest record shop, a few weeks ago. They had a projector playing the T.A.M.I Show (quite loudly) and chairs set up theater-style with an aisle down the middle. Lilah Rose meandered around the store, asking about various cut-outs and record sleeves. Then I blinked and she was gone. I had a momentary flash of panic before realizing she had only ventured 3 feet from my side. To the middle of the theater aisle. And was positioning herself in the middle row, sandwiched between couples trying to watch in peace. I debated hauling her out so as not to disturb them, but opted to see how Lilah did solo. Smokey Robinson and the Miracles took the stage. She watched for maybe 30 seconds, then was inspired to get down. As in groove and dance and stomp in time to the music. Between each song, she cheered wildly and clapped. People around her didn't know how to take her at first. This tiny person was standing on a chair swaying and clapping to James Brown and the Supremes and hollering her enthusiasm between songs. At one point, I truly believe she sensed the crowd's uncertainty. She looked around the room and assessed faces. One or two acted put out. A few nodded at her. Most didn't meet her eye and pretended to watch the movie. Some children might shrink down in their chairs, discouraged. Most would have lost interest after the first song. Not my kid. She kept scanning faces until she saw mine. She pointed to the screen, and made an exaggerated show of clapping and grooving to inform me she intended to continue to boogie. I smiled and gave her a thumb's up. Her face lit up and she went back to it. Only this time, apparently bolstered by my approval, she turned around in her chair and pointed to the couple behind her. "Hi. What are you doing?"
"Watching the movie."
"Me too. And I'm dancing." She paused, then commanded, "Clap."
"Oh, well we're just watching quietly now." Her little blue eyes narrowed.
"You clap. Like this." She showed them, slowly and condescendingly, how to clap. Emphasized every motion, just in case they'd never learned how. They gave in and clapped. "Yay! Now dance."
"No thanks, but you can keep dancing!" She sighed.
"No, you dance. Like this." She bopped up and down and weaved her head, hands in the air. Threw a twirl in for good measure." The couple looked at each other, then around to see who was watching, and shrugged. They started to bop a little. Lilah clapped her approval and pointed to the people across the aisle. In a loud whisper, "HEY! CLAP!" And the whole thing started over again. She had 75% of the small crowd engaged in some kind of action by the time Dano was finally done shopping at the other end of the store. The owners of the shop were laughing and taking pictures. I watched the entire display, alternating between wondering whether I should allow my 3 year old to force a group of adults to kowtow to her whims, and amusement that she was able to very confidently gain command over a small army in under 10 minutes.

It was the same today at the park. I was knitting on a bench and Lilah was playing on the structure when some more kids came to join her. They appeared to range in age from 4 to 1. The youngest had a parent in tow, and the older boys went off together to climb things. Lilah was thrilled to see other kids around, and wasted no time running over.
"Hi! I'm Lilah! Is that your baby?" She pointed to a girl probably hardly younger than she was. The man holding her hand nodded. "And you're her daddy?" He nodded again. "Okay! Bring your baby over here. She wants to play with me." He hesitated, then followed. Lilah played with the little girl, who was much more interested in playing alone. "Come up here, baby!"
"No." Lilah pointed at the man.
"Your baby said no. Put her up here." And he did. It went on that way until we left the park to go to dinner

We went to Found Sound after we ate, and as soon as we walked in, Lilah pulled me to the counter. "Hold me, Mama!" I picked her up, and she laid her head on my shoulder. "Hi. Do you have a gift card for my Daddy?" I was amazed. She and I had stopped in a week ago to ask about a gift card for Dano's birthday. A week ago. They didn't then, but had told us to check in again soon because they planned to have gift cards available. The employee tonight apologized and told her they didn't have them in yet.
"It's okay, sweetheart. Daddy's just going to buy records with real money instead." She sighed.
"Fiiine." She raised her hand and greeted the owner as he walked in. "Hey. What are you doing? Do you have your dinner? Are you going to eat it?" She pointed to bags in his arms that smelled strongly of Chinese takeout.
"Yep! Hi."
"Ok! See ya later!" I laughed and shrugged at him.
"Apparently you two are best buds, at this point."
"Well yeah, we are!" She tried to engage with a little girl her age in the shop, but the she hid behind her mom and wasn't having any of it. Lilah talked to her mom instead. "She's a baby, and you're her mama, and that's her daddy shopping like my daddy, and that's her...cousin?" Pointing to a little boy. Lilah couldn't have cared less that the little girl clearly wanted to be left alone. She was making a friend, come hell or high water.

We left Dano to his shopping and walked to Easy Like Sundae. We walked in and I handed her a full punch card. One free frozen yogurt! She walked over to the counter. "May I please have a cup for my frozen yogurt?" The employees "awww'd" in unison and one walked over and handed her a cup.
"Have you been here before? Do you know how it works?" Lilah nodded. Easy Like Sundae is one of her favorite haunts.
"Yes, ma'am." The "awwws" resounded yet again. We've been fine-tuning her manners lately. She chose her flavor and pulled the lever (her tiny mind was blown when she realized you could swirl two flavors). She chose her toppings (M&Ms, kiwi, blueberries, candy eyes, and whipped cream. Yum?) and handed the employee her punch card. "This was Daddy's card, but he gave it to me so he could shop." We took her treat outside to the white, beachy Adirondack chairs. I always sit to the right, Lilah to the left. We ate frozen yogurt and watched downtown Ferndale. She asked about the shops, cars, dogs, and people. Where they're going, what they're doing, do I think they have a cat. We sat until the sun started to go down and Dano came to take us home.

It just amazes me to watch her. It scares me a little and I have to keep such close tabs on her in public because of how friendly she is and how awful some people are. All in all though, she charms people to death within 5 minutes of meeting them. She isn't always so charming at home, but the more I see her in public and even thrust into brand new situations some kids would shy away from, I see how strong her little spirit is and how she finds her place no matter what. She's going to grow into such an amazing little lady. I'm so proud she's ours.