Lilah went with Dano, Rob, and me to Royal Oak today to get lunch and mill about. It was a blustery 70 degree day. She wore a new pink dress and pink and green flip flops. She was very excited and kept saying, "New shoes! Pretty new dress!"
We went to Pronto's. Ironically, the food generally takes a minute there. This is all right with Lilah, as there is a bakery up front with displays of all manner of treats in glass cases. She took her shoes off and handed them to me as soon as we got there. "Here, Mama. Do you want it?" When she first started asking this particular question, I would sometimes reply no. No, I did not want that banana peel. No, I did not want that piece of trash. It became rapidly apparent that "No" was not an appropriate answer to the question.
"Do you want it?"
"No thanks."
"...Here. Here you go. Say thank you."
"...Thank you?"
"You're welcome, Mama."
I graciously accepted the shoes and Lilah said, "All done." I let her get down and prance around, as the place was nearly empty. I told her to go to the big window in front and look outside. She instead chose to make a beeline to the table full of cakes in the middle of the room. Dano steered her toward the desserts that were safely housed behind glass. She discussed all the ones she would like to eat with him while Rob and I chatted at the table.
Lilah ate everything placed in front of her. A grilled chicken sandwich, pickle, fries, onion ring, lettuce slice, chip, slice of tomato, bacon, cheese. I told her she could have literally anything she wanted for dessert after seeing her eat a slice of lettuce. She normally shuns all raw vegetables. After we were done there, Rob and I walked Lilah to Coldstone while Dano perused through books at Barnes and Noble. Lilah got a strawberry-banana-mango sorbet with sprinkles. She was feeling particularly lovey today. She kept reaching for my hand. "Wanna hold your hand, Mama." Sometimes she'd just stop and reach her arms up. "Wanna hooold you Mamaaaa!" I never get to hold my baby anymore, so I didn't mind carrying her around Royal Oak.
In Barnes and Noble, she played trains and ate her ice cream. She asked everyone she came into contact with their names, and generally had a good time.
I'm amazed every day at how fun, vocal, and coherent she is for being just barely 2 years old. Nothing extraordinary happened today. It was just a normal day for the family. Time spent having fun with each other and friends. I remarked at lunch, "She looks like a person today. I wish she'd knock it off."
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Two Nights
Currently, I am writing this with a pressure bandage on my right anticubital space. My head is a little floaty from giving blood today and I have a large to-do list looming before me. In an effort to evade this, I thought I would blog about the horrific nature of the past two days.
Monday night, I went to Rob's house after work to watch a movie. I left around 2ish and came home to a sleeping Dano. I wasn't too worried about the time. We both had Tuesday off. I roused him to brush his teeth and come upstairs. I put on pajamas, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and sleepily climbed the staircase. I always check on Lilah after I get home from work, so I sneaked into her room and crept up to the crib. There was an odd smell in the room, and I noticed the window was open. It smelled like macaroni and cheese, or sour milk. Maybe both. I rolled my eyes and assumed there was some godforsaken animal outside that had gotten into the garbage. As I got close to the crib, I noticed she was wearing only a t shirt. I picked her up to change her into warmer pajamas and realized three things simultaneously as she nuzzled into my neck and said, "Hi, Mama." 1) I was standing in something wet. 2) Lilah's hair and clothes were wet. 3) The smell was coming from Lilah. Immediately I thought she'd had a bad diaper explosion, so I flipped on the light. What I saw made me reel. It was like a battle scene from a movie. It was carnage. Her crib was covered in vomit, and she had apparently being going for distance, since it made it out of the crib and onto the floor (under my feet, of course). Her hair, clothes, face, and now my socks, shoulder, tank top, and arms were coated. I switched into nurse mode out of self-preservation.
I carried her downstairs and started a hot bath. I took her temperature as she smiled sleepily up at me. Nothing. I stripped her down and plopped her in the tub. She splashed and played while Dano started her bedding in the washer. I wrapped her up in a towel and got her in warm pajamas. Dano fetched her some diluted juice. She kept saying, "I'm hungry, Mama!" I wasn't comfortable enough to give her anything but fluids. We put her in bed with us and Dano brought her a host of stuffed animals at her request. Her bear, frog, penguin, and worm all flocked to her side as she watched Aladdin and snuggled with me. Her bedding was clean and dry by the time the movie was over at 5AM. She had since decided it was playtime and was bounding all over the bed. Any subsequent attempts to snuggle were met with impatient wriggles and, "Bye, see ya!" In talking it over with Dano, we realized that she had eaten mac and cheese for lunch and a grilled cheese for dinner. Though she normally tolerates small amounts of cheese, this was too much for our lactose intolerant little daughter. We tucked her back in her bed and she slept until her normal wake up time - 8AM.
I went through Tuesday like a robot. I snatched sleep when I could in 20 minute intervals here and there. She went to sleep at 9 Tuesday night. By then I was so wired on iced Sidamo that Dano fell asleep at 11 and I stayed up until 1AM. Still very much awake, I decided to try getting into bed to coax tiredness. I sneaked once again into Lilah's room to make sure she hadn't randomly thrown up again. No vomit. However, she did sit straight up, look at me, and start shrieking at the top of her tiny lungs. Normally if she cries at night, we put her in bed with us until she calms down, after which she goes back in her crib for the night with no complaints. However, for whatever reason on this particular Tuesday night, she chose to break routine.
Dano put her back in bed. She screamed like she was being stabbed. I got her out and plopped her in bed with me. She played and giggled. This back and forth went on until 4:30. Finally I told Dano (who was about delirious and had class at 9AM) to let her cry a few minutes. After 10 minutes of alternating between sobbing pitifully and ear piercing shrieking, I started crying. I was beyond exhausted, and I firmly believe in not letting small children cry. At 2, if she was crying this long and hard, we had to be missing something. I felt helpless and upset. Crying was all I could do. I had nothing left. Dano lost his temper and went in there. "Stop it right this minute, Lilah Rose. Just stop it. You're making your mama cry." She cried even harder, and I couldn't do it anymore. I got out of bed without grabbing my glasses or sweater or anything. I just had on a thin t shirt and pants. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I took her from Dano and she clung to my neck. She stopped crying instantly but still sobbed raggedly into my neck. Dano left to cool down. I was crying in Lilah's place. I held her and said, "Lilah, you have to sleep. Mama and Daddy have to sleep. You have to calm down and stop crying." She held me tighter and said, "Want Mama." I laid her down in her crib and she started screaming again. I sat next to her crib and put one hand on her chest and one on her head to stroke her hair. It took a few minutes before she would stop crying and saying, "C'mere". She just stared at me and hiccuped, convinced I was leaving. I was shivering from cold and emotions and exhaustion. I felt void and helpless. Eyes closed, I whispered, "Please, Ada." (my silly, childish name for God. It means Daddy.)
Something odd happened at that point. I felt something inside me, be it spirit or soul or what have you, rally all the remaining sanity and energy I had. I was a powerful woman who had created the tiny, distraught life in the crib in front of me. She feeds off my emotion constantly, and I was going to fill her with good ones. I had to transfer my energy to her. With a hand on her head and a hand on her heart, I closed my eyes and meditated.
Peace. Peace to my child. Calm mind, tranquil dreams, still waters, and serenity. Security, warmth, love, and all good feelings. Contentedness. Stillness. Quiet thoughts. Quiet heart. Freedom from worry and fear. Peace.
I willed all my warmth - physical and emotional - into my baby as her eyes drifted closed. I felt a shift, a transfer. I felt my benediction for my daughter trickle down like water over her, like the sound of rain. I felt a different kind of exhaustion. The kind that felt as if my spirit had wrapped its velvet wings around my daughter and encompassed her with all of my good thoughts and love. On a night where I had literally nothing left to give, I had the ability as a woman, a mother, and a healer to calm and comfort and protect. It rose up inside me from a place I didn't know existed before I conceived my daughter. It was a well of power and sacrement. I stayed with her until the birds started singing to greet the day and the sunlight was just starting to touch the edges of the night sky. Somewhere unbidden from the back of my depleted mind, this passage rose to the surface.
In the beginning, Gods created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirits of Gods were hovering over the waters.
Then Gods said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness.
So Gods created man in their own image.
In the image of Gods, they created him.
Male and female, they created them.
Gods saw all they had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning - the 6th day.
Monday night, I went to Rob's house after work to watch a movie. I left around 2ish and came home to a sleeping Dano. I wasn't too worried about the time. We both had Tuesday off. I roused him to brush his teeth and come upstairs. I put on pajamas, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and sleepily climbed the staircase. I always check on Lilah after I get home from work, so I sneaked into her room and crept up to the crib. There was an odd smell in the room, and I noticed the window was open. It smelled like macaroni and cheese, or sour milk. Maybe both. I rolled my eyes and assumed there was some godforsaken animal outside that had gotten into the garbage. As I got close to the crib, I noticed she was wearing only a t shirt. I picked her up to change her into warmer pajamas and realized three things simultaneously as she nuzzled into my neck and said, "Hi, Mama." 1) I was standing in something wet. 2) Lilah's hair and clothes were wet. 3) The smell was coming from Lilah. Immediately I thought she'd had a bad diaper explosion, so I flipped on the light. What I saw made me reel. It was like a battle scene from a movie. It was carnage. Her crib was covered in vomit, and she had apparently being going for distance, since it made it out of the crib and onto the floor (under my feet, of course). Her hair, clothes, face, and now my socks, shoulder, tank top, and arms were coated. I switched into nurse mode out of self-preservation.
I carried her downstairs and started a hot bath. I took her temperature as she smiled sleepily up at me. Nothing. I stripped her down and plopped her in the tub. She splashed and played while Dano started her bedding in the washer. I wrapped her up in a towel and got her in warm pajamas. Dano fetched her some diluted juice. She kept saying, "I'm hungry, Mama!" I wasn't comfortable enough to give her anything but fluids. We put her in bed with us and Dano brought her a host of stuffed animals at her request. Her bear, frog, penguin, and worm all flocked to her side as she watched Aladdin and snuggled with me. Her bedding was clean and dry by the time the movie was over at 5AM. She had since decided it was playtime and was bounding all over the bed. Any subsequent attempts to snuggle were met with impatient wriggles and, "Bye, see ya!" In talking it over with Dano, we realized that she had eaten mac and cheese for lunch and a grilled cheese for dinner. Though she normally tolerates small amounts of cheese, this was too much for our lactose intolerant little daughter. We tucked her back in her bed and she slept until her normal wake up time - 8AM.
I went through Tuesday like a robot. I snatched sleep when I could in 20 minute intervals here and there. She went to sleep at 9 Tuesday night. By then I was so wired on iced Sidamo that Dano fell asleep at 11 and I stayed up until 1AM. Still very much awake, I decided to try getting into bed to coax tiredness. I sneaked once again into Lilah's room to make sure she hadn't randomly thrown up again. No vomit. However, she did sit straight up, look at me, and start shrieking at the top of her tiny lungs. Normally if she cries at night, we put her in bed with us until she calms down, after which she goes back in her crib for the night with no complaints. However, for whatever reason on this particular Tuesday night, she chose to break routine.
Dano put her back in bed. She screamed like she was being stabbed. I got her out and plopped her in bed with me. She played and giggled. This back and forth went on until 4:30. Finally I told Dano (who was about delirious and had class at 9AM) to let her cry a few minutes. After 10 minutes of alternating between sobbing pitifully and ear piercing shrieking, I started crying. I was beyond exhausted, and I firmly believe in not letting small children cry. At 2, if she was crying this long and hard, we had to be missing something. I felt helpless and upset. Crying was all I could do. I had nothing left. Dano lost his temper and went in there. "Stop it right this minute, Lilah Rose. Just stop it. You're making your mama cry." She cried even harder, and I couldn't do it anymore. I got out of bed without grabbing my glasses or sweater or anything. I just had on a thin t shirt and pants. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I took her from Dano and she clung to my neck. She stopped crying instantly but still sobbed raggedly into my neck. Dano left to cool down. I was crying in Lilah's place. I held her and said, "Lilah, you have to sleep. Mama and Daddy have to sleep. You have to calm down and stop crying." She held me tighter and said, "Want Mama." I laid her down in her crib and she started screaming again. I sat next to her crib and put one hand on her chest and one on her head to stroke her hair. It took a few minutes before she would stop crying and saying, "C'mere". She just stared at me and hiccuped, convinced I was leaving. I was shivering from cold and emotions and exhaustion. I felt void and helpless. Eyes closed, I whispered, "Please, Ada." (my silly, childish name for God. It means Daddy.)
Something odd happened at that point. I felt something inside me, be it spirit or soul or what have you, rally all the remaining sanity and energy I had. I was a powerful woman who had created the tiny, distraught life in the crib in front of me. She feeds off my emotion constantly, and I was going to fill her with good ones. I had to transfer my energy to her. With a hand on her head and a hand on her heart, I closed my eyes and meditated.
Peace. Peace to my child. Calm mind, tranquil dreams, still waters, and serenity. Security, warmth, love, and all good feelings. Contentedness. Stillness. Quiet thoughts. Quiet heart. Freedom from worry and fear. Peace.
I willed all my warmth - physical and emotional - into my baby as her eyes drifted closed. I felt a shift, a transfer. I felt my benediction for my daughter trickle down like water over her, like the sound of rain. I felt a different kind of exhaustion. The kind that felt as if my spirit had wrapped its velvet wings around my daughter and encompassed her with all of my good thoughts and love. On a night where I had literally nothing left to give, I had the ability as a woman, a mother, and a healer to calm and comfort and protect. It rose up inside me from a place I didn't know existed before I conceived my daughter. It was a well of power and sacrement. I stayed with her until the birds started singing to greet the day and the sunlight was just starting to touch the edges of the night sky. Somewhere unbidden from the back of my depleted mind, this passage rose to the surface.
In the beginning, Gods created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirits of Gods were hovering over the waters.
Then Gods said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness.
So Gods created man in their own image.
In the image of Gods, they created him.
Male and female, they created them.
Gods saw all they had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning - the 6th day.
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